Something very strange and evil held sway over this woman, Eric decided. He found it harder and harder to keep his emotions under control.
“Now, wait a minute. This is a free society we live in. You’re talking like some kind of slave.”
“That’s an ambiguous term.”
“Really? I always thought it pretty clear-cut. You said you thought you could love me.”
“I don’t know, I don’t know!” she suddenly shouted at him. “Why did you come here? Why are you confusing me like this?” She was on the verge of tears, but Eric refused to back off.
“Sounds to me that you need someone to talk to you like this. Sounds to me like you’ve been toyed with and taken advantage of for a long time.”
She regained control of herself. “I like you, Eric Abbott. I like you a lot. I don’t know why I should, but I do. It’s crazy for me to like you this much. So help me. Stop hurting me.”
“Hurting you? How?”
“By being here. By saying the things you say. That’s painful enough. If I were to let myself fall in love with you, it would hurt a hundred times worse. Don’t you believe me when I say it’s not possible for me to have a lasting relationship with any one man? Please, leave … now. It’s dangerous for you to be here.”
Eric ignored the implied threat. Having gone through what he’d gone through to come this far he wasn’t about to be put off by words. Outright hatred or dislike he could have coped with. Indeed, he’d come prepared to accept that. But this strange ambivalence on the part of the girl, this feeling she gave of being caged against her will one moment and secure in her life-style the next, not only puzzled him but made him angry. All of a sudden he wanted to help her, wanted to give her help even more than he did his love.
“This isn’t right,” he said firmly. “It’s not right that someone else choose your relationships for you, for whatever reason. It’s not the right way to live.”
“It’s how I live,” she replied simply, indicating the room. “It’s not a bad way to live.”
He gestured angrily. “This is nothing. Personal freedom is everything. Tell me how I can help you. Tell me how I can free you from your prison. Because it is a prison, no matter how content you are to remain within its walls. Love wouldn’t mean a damn thing if I didn’t try to free you.”
“Go away, just go away.”
“If you’re not a call girl, that means you have no pimp. Why can’t you love me, Lisa? Tell me why. Who runs your life for you, who arranges your emotions?”
“You don’t understand.”
“You keep saying that. Of course I don’t understand. Help me to understand, Lisa! I want to understand.”
“It’s not that easy. There are ramifications you wouldn’t accept no matter how I tried to explain them to you. Complicated factors beyond your ability to comprehend. There are certain matters I don’t understand myself. And of them all, the thing I understand least is why I’m so attracted to you. It shouldn’t be possible.”
“Why not? You said I wasn’t hard to look at.”
“That has nothing to do with anything. I’m not supposed to be able to love a man … that way. It’s not supposed to be a part of my makeup. It … complicates everything.”
He laughed aloud, unable to help himself. “Please, don’t look at me like that. I’m not chiding you. So you are attracted to me, then. If you’re trying to drive me away, that’s a bad way to do it.”
“Ambiguities again. I thought I’d put them comfortably aside. Damn you, Eric Abbott! Who are you, and why are you complicating the hell out of my life?”
He sighed. “Sometimes complications lead to insight.” He moved back to the couch and sat down, sinking into the soft white. “I’m a junior, soon to be senior, engineer for the Selvem Corporation. I work with microelectronics, both theoretical and actual design, and application. You might call me a design supervisor. I have the ability to grasp seemingly unrelated aspects of design and pull them together. I can both design the pieces of a puzzle and explain how they should be assembled.
“I’m thirty-one years old, have never been married or even engaged, though I’m no virgin. Both my parents died when I was quite young.”
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“So am I. I never knew them. I’ve attended the University of Arizona and Colombo International Technological Institute. I hold three degrees, two advanced, and make a very good salary.” He indicated the lavishly decorated chamber. "Not enough to afford anything like this, but more than enough to support a family in comfort.
“I’ve been told that I’m a pleasant companion, have a reasonably active sense of humor, and am not bad in bed. I’m diligent in my work, responsive to my friends, and forgiving to any enemies. President of the World Council, a prime programmer, a major opto star. I’m not, but I think I’d make you a good husband. And that’s who I am.”
She was shaking her head, slowly, sadly. “Eric, poor dear strange Eric. You’re a good salesman, too, and modest enough. But it wouldn’t matter in the least if you were an opto star, or President of the World Council. I still couldn’t marry you.”
“But you could love me. You’ve said that already.”
Her hands curled into tiny fists. “I don’t know. I’m not supposed to love. It interferes with my work. I’ve spent all my life learning how not to love.”
“Complications again?” He rose from the couch. “Listen to me very closely, Lisa. You tell me that you love me. Tell me that and everything will change. I’ll take care of everything. There’ll be no more men you don’t love, no more orders you don’t want to obey. Believe that.”
“Why should I? Who do you think you are? You haven’t said one thing that would make me believe you can do ahy of that.” She looked past him suddenly, toward the front door. “Please go. You say that you love me. If you love me, you’ll leave.”
“Why do they always say that?” he murmured wonderingly. “In all the plays and novels and opto serials, why do they always say that? I’m not going, unless you agree I can see you again.” He stared at her, his soul aching. Standing in front of the window, she was silhouetted by diffused light, perfection and heaven, life’s dream made real. “Tell me I can come back tonight and I’ll leave immediately.”
“You shouldn’t. You mustn’t. It hurts me already. And it will end by hurting you worse.”
“Let me worry about me. As for hurting you, you’ve got it backward. I’m not surprised, given what you’ve told me about your life. We can talk about it tonight.” A sudden dark thought raced through his mind. “Are you expecting someone? Do you have to ‘work’?”
“No.” Suddenly she sounded anxious to reassure him. “No, you don’t have to worry about that. Not now, not today.”
He relaxed and the cloud vanished from his mind. It was painful enough to have to consider the idea without having to hear it confirmed. “That’s good.”
She walked him to the door. “I wish you wouldn’t come back.” There was no steel in her words, none of the strength she’d displayed earlier.
“We’ll talk of everything tonight,” he said consolingly, “and don’t worry, Lisa. Everything’s going to work out all right, you’ll see. I promise you it is.”
“You make it sound so easy, so simple. Life isn’t as simple as you think, Eric. It’s infinitely more complex than you can imagine.”
