Words, please don’t hurt Joseph or Peter.
“Pray continue.” Peter’s voice was flat. Any semblance of a smile was gone. Long gone.
“And I can’t rightly figure if she would stop at nothing to win your affections because she truly loves you...” She dropped her voice and her gaze. “Or if it is because she truly despises me.”
Silence hung over the three of them like a death shroud. Rebekah tucked one of the covering strings into the corner of her mouth and wished she could melt into the floor. If little Thomas could see her now, he would be ashamed. So would her biggest little brother, Jeremiah.
I wish I could go somewhere else. Anywhere else. Anywhere to escape this deafening silence.
After a mini-eternity, finally, someone broke the silence. Joseph.
“You know, my ma always told me, ‘trust your gut feeling.’ Something about it being true no matter what.” He laced his long fingers together and leaned forward. “Your feeling is right on.”
Rebekah stopped fidgeting. The covering string dropped from her mouth. “It is?”
“Katie tried to make us a couple for as far back as I can remember. Usually, it was embarrassing, because I only have had feelings for you, Rebekah.” Joseph’s words ended, but his tone left room for interpretation.
“And?”
“Well, the night you turned me away. I faltered.”
“Faltered?” Rebekah’s heart skipped a beat, then raced to catch up. “Faltered how?”
“I didn’t want you to get mad, Rebekah. That’s why I never told you.” When he looked at her, it appeared as though his eyes had paled to almost white from their normal blue. “It wasn’t anything. It meant nothing. And I stopped it.”
Peter’s voice made them both jump. “What happened, exactly?”
A woman pushing a food cart, stocked with breads and sweets, stopped beside them. “Good morning. What can I get you?” Her voice was chipper. Too chipper.
Nobody answered.
In fact, nobody even looked at each other.
Finally, Rebekah offered her a meek smile. “I think we will pass. Danke.”
With a curt nod, the woman and the cart clattered down the aisle of the mostly-empty train car. When she was gone, Joseph drew in a breath.
“I didn’t want to see you, Rebekah. When Peter appeared and everything fell into question, I felt like you were questioning me. Questioning us.”
“I was. I was questioning everything. About me, mostly.” Rebekah’s palms went clammy. “Mostly, I thought you would not want me anymore. Wouldn’t want there to be an us anymore.”
Joseph nodded. “I understand. Because if you don’t truly understand something, you can’t love it. Right?”
“Right. Exactly right.”
“Sounds like you two think the same already.” Peter huffed. “I don’t see how there could be any problems here.”
Joseph continued. “Well, that night I went for a walk. Katie was there.”
Whatever comfort had creeped in between the three of them disappeared with Joseph’s words.
“Shall I continue?”
Rebekah and Peter nodded, but said nothing.
“She asked what was wrong, and we spoke a bit. I told her I was going for a walk, and she joined me. Over the course of the walk, I realized she was growing closer and closer. I poured out my heart to her.” He faltered. “I should have been pouring out my heart to you, Rebekah. And I knew that.”
Cool tears tracked down Rebekah’s flushed cheeks. Despite trying to quell them with a sniffle, they refused to be staunched. It should have been me, I agree.
“She moved in to kiss me, saying it should have been she and I the entire time.”
Rebekah found a loose pillow and clutched it to her middle. It did nothing to stop the dull ache there.
“That was when I did what I should have done before and I stopped it.” He lifted his face and looked first at Rebekah, then at Peter. “I stopped what never should have started. And it will never start again. Even if you’d said no to me, I still wouldn’t have gone to Katie.”
He reached his hand over and placed it on hers. It wasn’t until then Rebekah noticed that Joseph’s was quivering just as much as hers. “You’re the one for me, if you’ll have me. I’m sorry, Rebekah; I’m sorry for not telling you before. Can you forgive me?”
God help me. Please.
“Only if you can forgive me, Joseph. Forgive me for doubting you, for doubting us.” She turned her hand over and accepted his trembling fingers. She gripped them tightly, and he did the same.
“There was nothing to forgive. I just regret that I wasn’t mature enough to stand by you in your time of need.” His blue eyes were hot sapphires. And they burned. “I will never make that mistake again. Let me prove it to you.”
“And me to you.” She didn’t have to force the smile that found her lips. “Let’s never let this happen again.”
Joseph raised their clasped fingers to his lips and brushed her skin with a dry kiss. “Never again.”
Peter propped one leg up on his knee. “Well, I am certainly glad you two worked out your differences.” His voice wasn’t demeaning and it wasn’t taunting. It was morose. He sucked in another breath. It sounded as though it was holding back tears. “I knew you two had your issues with Katie, and I knew that she had her issues with you two. But from the sound of it, she brought all of this on herself.”
“Oh Peter,” Rebekah began.
Peter held up one hand. “You two got to talk. Now it’s my turn.” He sniffled and brushed his nose with the back of his hand. “She told me things.”
Rebekah took care not to untwine her fingers from Joseph’s, but turned her attention to Peter. Joseph did too.
“She told me how she feels she pales in comparison to you, Rebekah. How she feels her faith isn’t as strong as yours, and her piety isn’t as strong as yours. That you, my sweet sister, are closer to perfection in every sense of the word. You’re a more perfect Amish and a more perfect person. And she wants what you have.” Peter glanced at Joseph. “I think that’s where you come in, Joseph. She wants what Rebekah has. To be looked at as Rebekah is.”
Peter continued. “I knew all of this. Yet I still wanted her for my own. To join in a life with me. I just don’t know if I’m going to be enough for her. Or if she ever even wanted me at all.”
Chapter Nine
On the Train to NYC
“If I never ride on another train, it will be too soon.” Never had Rebekah heard Joseph grumble before, but he did this morning. She felt grumbly too, but said nothing. Mostly, the righteous ache in her neck and shoulder were a damper on her mood.
After their heart bleeding session the day before, everyone had been mostly quiet. Peter especially. Though emptied of the emotions that had weighed her down for so long, her heart was filled with a new emotion. An ache for her brother. She couldn’t fix it, she couldn’t make it better. She could do nothing except be there for him, and hopefully be a beacon of God’s love for him.
Finally, she let her eyes flutter open. She’d fallen asleep facing the window, her back to Joseph and her brother. There before her very eyes, God’s creation flew by through the lens of the train’s window. God, all of this is in Your hands. Please, be with my brother. Heal the ache in his heart and fill it with Your love. Give him the wisdom he needs to discern what to do with his life. Amen.
