She looked over her shoulder. Gabriel was drunkenly stumbling toward her. He looked like an utter fool. He fell to the ground.
She broke into a run. Her feet ached, but she kept going. She had to get back to her car, home to her apartment, or the beach, or somewhere where her teary eyes could release the tight ball of emotion clenched up in her chest.
The crowded portion of Isla Vista disappeared behind her. She spotted her car, but she had to slow to a walk to catch her breath. Panting, she looked back.
Gabriel had caught up to her, and he was also panting. His hands were covered in blood, gravel, and dirt. His eyes looked as vulnerable as wet laundry hung up in a tornado. “Yvonne…”
“What?”
He looked worried, then a hint of a smile appeared on his face. He moved forward hesitantly. “Hi,” he whispered.
She shook her head. “Don’t talk to me.”
“Why? That’s… why not?”
“Honestly, Gabriel? I love you. You. But that thing I saw there in the apartment building—”
Gabriel crossed his arms. “That isn’t me.”
“Whatever it is, it’s disgusting.”
“Yvonne, it isn’t me.”
“Then who is it? Huh? If it isn’t you, then who is it?”
“It’s hard to explain.”
“Try.”
“I can’t. I can’t explain myself. It won’t make sense to you. I-I can’t—”
“Tell me, Gabriel.” Because this is your last chance, buster.
“Quite simply, I was… I was being someone else back there. I’m different from most people, so putting on an act like that is a logical solution to the problem. Like applying… arithmetic. Yes. Back at that party, I was being the person they want me to be, the person they need me to be for them to…”
Tears stung the corners of Yvonne’s eyes. She brushed them away, her lower lip trembling. Gabriel reached out as if to comfort her.
She stepped back. “No. Gabriel, I feel like I don’t even know you! Okay, so say that the person back there isn’t you. You’ve said that before, but I know what I saw, and I can’t stand to see you waste yourself that way. If you were just drinking and having a good time… God! If only! I don’t care about that. But the way you… it’s as if you…”
“What?” Gabriel stood tall and stiff, like a fragile brick wall in front of a wrecking ball.
“You weren’t having a good time. You never drink because you want to have a good time.”
“Then what am I doing, exactly?”
“Active self-destruction.” Yvonne swallowed her tears, wrapping her arms around her body.
“Why the hell would I do that? It’s not logical. It’s not—”
“Human beings aren’t logical! It’s not in our nature. We’re fundamentally illogical creatures. We’re not math problems that you can simply solve and be done with. It doesn’t work that way.”
“I’m logical. Why can’t others be just as straight to the point and logical as I am?”
“You think drinking yourself to an early grave is logical?”
“It’s… that’s not what I’m… ” His lips parted, a hint of strained self-deception appearing in his eyes. “I’m not an addict, Yvonne. I drink by choice.”
“Gabriel, I love you. I love you because you’re a weird, amazing shape, and I know that it’s hard, because it’s a shape that doesn’t easily fit into the world. I get it. But if you’re just going to destroy yourself, I can’t.”
“You can’t… what?”
“I can’t just sit by and watch it happen. I can’t just partake in it, ignore it, and pretend that it’s okay. I just can’t.” She sniffled, forcing herself not to break down sobbing. Not now. Not while he’s watching me. She wiped the tears from her eyes.
Gabriel stood there like a jagged icicle. He was silent, but beneath the hard exoskeleton he presented her with, she knew he was seething with anger. “So,” he said through gritted teeth, “this conversation is really about alcohol, isn’t it?”
“How old were you when you started drinking, baby?”
“Sixteen. Answer my question.”
“Gabriel, you drink too much. That’s the objective truth of it. It just is.”
His eyes became slits. “Don’t you get it?” he growled. “It’s the only way I can fit in. The only way I can be human.”
“No, it’s not. It’s not the only—”
“Yes, goddammit! Yes, it is!” His face transformed into something monstrous and red, and his eyes turned into solid steel.
Yvonne jumped back. She’d never heard him yell like that, and on some level, she hadn’t even thought him capable of it. “Gabriel, please don’t—”
