I had sat down on the couch, trying to suppress my transformation, but the dark veins on my arm wouldn’t go away.

If Alarik hadn’t been here, I probably would have torn Nash into a thousand pieces. I would have become the beast that lay dormant deep inside me. Because mentioning my mother was below dignity, even for someone like him!

“What on earth has gotten into you out there?”

Alarik had taken off his tailored suit jacket, which he had probably worn for a special occasion, and was only wearing the dark blue shirt with the black vest over it.

He stood in front of us with both hands on the desk and then grabbed his head.

“You should have seen yourselves! Like animals… On the verge of your transformation!”

He sounded more stressed than usual.

“I’m already under observation. And you know what kind of light that could shed on the university or the pack, especially in the eyes of the Quatura!”

“Fuck the pack,” I snorted, glaring provocatively at Alarik.

Nash looked angrily at me as if he would have liked to tear me to pieces now, too.

“Julian, you almost turned!” Alarik looked at me with a furrowed brow, as if I were a child, you didn’t know what else to do with so that it would finally listen. “What you’re doing can’t go on for much longer.”

He had given me the herbs, helped me. He contradicted himself.

“As long as you live in this town, your behavior endangers the pack!”

I thought he would have made a better alpha than Nickolas because he had always been much more concerned with the pack's stability. When something didn’t look good for the pack, he had taken care of it. He even managed Nash’s father's territory, and when there had been conflicts, he had always intervened. Even the newcomers had always been trained by him back then.

Emely had told me years ago that Nickolas’ and Alarik’s father had wanted to make him Alpha, but Alarik had refused.

He was also trying to assess the dangers of my behavior for the stability of the pack, and it was really annoying. That look on his face alone. As if he was worried about me. He actually gave me that feeling over and over again, and I hated it. And yet he kept letting my behavior slide.

That was his weak point. The reason why he had never been able to become Alpha. For him, the pack didn’t come first. It had always been the Vanderwood.

“Nash, I want you to stop provoking him.”

Nash looked at Alarik, stunned. “I...”

“No! Enough! I’m not going to argue with you. What you did back there, both of you...” He looked back and forth between us. “That was way beneath you!”

“You’re always defending him, even though he’s not even looking at the pack with his ass. Don’t you forget the rules, either!” Then Nash looked at me, again with that hostile look in his blue eyes. “I’m fed up with his presence!”

He stood up and pushed the armchair back so that its massive little legs scraped across the old wooden floorboards which only existed in the lifted part of the office.

Then he disappeared through the door out into the halls without another word.

The door slammed shut.

Alarik stood motionless for a few seconds, probably lost in thought. Then he shook his head, laughed quietly and came over to me, sitting down on the couch opposite me.

“You’re endangering others with this behavior.”

His look was serious as one of his brown curls fell into his forehead.

I looked at him blankly. Everything inside me felt even more upset.

Somewhere, I knew he was right, but my mind was fighting it.

“I can’t let my body take control,” I said seriously. “You know that...” I looked at him in desperation. “You’ve seen what we’re capable of. You know what I’ve done!” I squeezed out in agony and my eyes narrowed in hatred for myself.

Alarik swallowed barely perceptibly and eyed me silently.

“I don’t belong to the pack because I don’t want to belong...”

I looked deep into his eyes.

Mine were probably already in the first stage of transformation.

I jumped up abruptly.

“I wish every day that this beast inside me wasn’t a part of me!”

My voice trembled. My heart slowly tightened.

“Every damn day I wish it had taken me! Me! Not her!” The trembling of my body turned into a tear running down my bloodied cheek.

I looked at Alarik. He looked at the ground.

I couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much. I had to go running, somewhere. I wanted to get as far away as possible. Somewhere north, where it was colder, quieter, where I was alone with myself and my thoughts, far away from anyone I could hurt in any way.

I hurried to the door.

“Julian...”

I paused and looked at Alarik, who was looking at me with a pained expression.

“What you did out there earlier...” He looked at me sympathetically. “I wouldn’t have done it any differently.”

Chapter 44

Emely

Noah’s hand pressed against mine and he moaned softly. I looked deep into his dull blue eyes, but he couldn’t hold my gaze. Sweat trickled down his forehead. The one vein protruding from his temple pulsed violently.

The corners of my mouth moved upwards with confidence. Then I pushed his hand down onto the log and shot upwards.

“Damn it!” Noah groaned in frustration and pounded his fist on the log.

The guys around us started cheering loudly and a few people on campus glanced over at us, but I had learned early on to ignore the looks from the girls here.