I’d been dependent on people my whole life and Erik was, too. I wanted to be a friend to him, to take care of his needs as much as I was able. I wanted to be there for him, but how could I do that if I couldn’t even be strong for myself?
All these thoughts about Erik made my stomach tingle pleasantly. A strange feeling. One that I didn’t know until now.
Confused, I typed my message.
When he immediately went online, the tingling got a little stronger. So did the guilt.
Please, just don’t be mad, Erik.
I swallowed.
My heart made an overwhelming leap.
Mostly, we texted about the books we were reading, about gods, and of course we had developed our insiders and jokes over time, and shared our other interests. But it had never been as personal as it was at that moment.
He replied quickly.
Awkwardly, I replied.
I sucked in a sharp breath and felt warmth in my cheeks.
More warmth.
And even more warmth.
And my breathing immediately quickened again.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no...
The thought that he was sitting somewhere ten meters away in another lecture hall left me breathless.
On the one hand, I felt so wrong, like I was lying to him because I was too much of a coward. On the other hand, he was human, and therefore completely misplaced in my complicated world.
While Erik typed his answer, I looked around the lecture hall. Nash and his guys had just entered the hall, and he looked up from his smartphone, spotting Emely, then me, next to her. His eyes darkened and his expression hardened. Luckily, his buddies pushed him into the next best row of seats.
I looked at my cell phone again.
It took Erik a long time before he finally answered.
My face was literally glowing now.
He wanted to text with you, Julie.
How had I come up with the idea that he would ask for a meeting again? Erik knew my inhibitions and respected them.
Was I perhaps the one who secretly wished to be friends with him in real life?
I had never had any friends, especially not outside the Circle. Grace and I had grown up together, or rather, had grown together through similar problems due to our backgrounds. We were united in many ways, except for our attitude toward the Circle. While she tried to immerse herself in it all, I stayed in the background and suffered from the countless duties as Discipulus.
I had thought I was socially incapable of finding someone else, or even someone with whom I could share so many personal things.
“Whoever this Erik is, he seems to care about you.”
I pulled my phone to my chest, startled.
Larissa grinned.
