âYou were never all that mean,â he said, something sore blooming at the center of his chest.
âDonât tell me that. That ruins my street cred. I was really trying to be mean.â
âNo, the thing was, I just liked it,â he said, taking a step closer to her. It was dark, and he wanted to give her this. A little bit of honesty. Because the truth was, they hadnât spoken with honesty about what had been happening between them at the time. She had called it a fling, and heâd let her do it, because he needed to put those parameters around it in order to deal with it. He needed that border so that he could allow himself to do it.
And he hadnât given her or himself any honesty about that.
âWhy did you like it?â
âBecause you didnât act charmed by me. And I found that fascinating. You were not my type.â
âI wasnât your type?â
âNo. I didnât like squeaky-clean, fresh-faced virgins. I liked women who knew what theyâre doing.â
âThat is actually really insulting. Iâm not sure why you thought that you would come in here while I was crying and...â
âBecause you got to me. You got to me and I couldnât explain why.â The words were rough and tortured. His voice didnât even sound like his own. âAnd I kept telling myself that it wasnât anything. That I wasnât attracted to you, because I couldnât be. Because you werenât a rodeo queen, and you didnât have a single rhinestone on. Because you were too young for me. Because even before you told me that you were a virgin, I knew that you were more innocent than anyone that I should be...talking to at all.â
He took a breath, and his chest hurt. âBut yeah, I loved that attitude. From the beginning. It was why I couldnât stay away from you. And I couldnât stay away from you, you remember that, right?â
âI try not to. And actually, most of the time I remember my version of events. I remember the breakup. But I forget... I forget that I stood there and hid everything that I felt, and that I told you that I agreed. I mean, I know I did, but I forget...that you couldnât see inside me to how I hurt.â
âI knew,â he said. âI knew because I hated it too. You donât... You donât know, Tansey. I had feelings for you. In a way that I never had for anybody else.â
He swore he could hear the snowflakes falling outside it went so quiet between them. It was like his heart barely dared beat.
He had never admitted that out loud. He had barely admitted it to himself in coherently formed sentences in his own mind. He had allowed himself to act on feeling only, and call it nothing.
Making excuses about what he couldnât feel and what he couldnât do. But the problem wasâand he knew itâthat his feelings were there; they were just erratic. Uncontrolled. And he couldnât handle them.
Heâd never wanted to inflict them on another human being. He had trained himself in that brutal art a long time ago. Built a wall up around himself. Toughened himself up. Because he had never ever wanted to feel...
âYou know, I feel too much. And sometimes I feel nothing at all. And sometimes when I feel too much, it turns into anger. And itâs bullshit no matter what scenario it is. Believe me when I tell you that. I didnât want to admit to myself that I had feelings for you. I didnât want to admit that you telling me you might be pregnant scared the hell out of me. Really, the hell.â
âIt scared me too. It scared me too and then it... I felt like I was dying. When I started bleeding. Because I wanted it. I wanted it. Even though I didnât want it. And it was such a mess. It was a horrible mess. And you were the only person that I wanted to talk to about it, and I texted you and you never texted me back.â She was breathing hard now, crying again, and he felt like this was what he deserved. This conversation.
âI didnât know what to say,â he said. âI didnât know what to say, because part of me wanted you to be pregnant. So that I could keep you anyway, even though I knew it was a bad idea. Iâm... Iâm toxic, Tansey, and I tried my best not to be toxic with you. I did. But I froze you out instead, and it wasnât better.â
âSo you know that about yourself and, what, you just sit in it?â
âYes,â he said.
âWhy?â
âBecause I donât want to fix it. I didnât want to care about you. I didnât want it. I wanted to possess you. I wanted to keep you. And hell, the contortions I wouldâve gone through to do that if the whole pregnancy scare hadnât happened... I would still be torturing you. I canât even imagine. Not letting you go, not really, and not giving you what you wanted. Because I canât let myself care that deeply about someone. But it doesnât mean I donât want you. With absolutely every part of myself. It doesnât mean youâre not the only woman I dream about.â
âYou...you do?â
âHow many women do you think Iâve been with since you?â
She looked away from him. âI donât want to have this conversation.â
âNone,â he said. âI havenât been with anybody. I havenât even wanted to. Itâs just you. Youâre the reason that I wake up at night hard. Youâre the reason I wake up in a cold sweat. You are what I want. You are everything that I want.â
âPlease donât,â she said. âPlease donât. Because if you canât give me one more piece of you, if you canât give me one more piece of who you are and why youâre this way, then why are we having the conversation at all?â
âDo you want to know why? Do you want to know why Iâm like this?â He swallowed hard. âMy sister died. When I was fourteen. And I was...fucking destroyed. And it just... Everybody around me fell apart. They were so sad. And I was just so angry. So angry. At the universe, at God, at my parents, at the doctors. And at everybody for just crying all the time. Because it killed me.â
âFlint,â she whispered. âI didnât... Iâm so sorry.â
âI didnât want you to know. I didnât want to have the conversation with you, because I didnât want you to look at me like that. Like I was an object of pity that you could fix, because you canât fucking fix it, Tansey. Nobody can. Thatâs what death is. It ends something, and you canât fix it. You canât get it back. It broke something in me. And I had to... I had to find a way to get rid of that anger...â
âWhat did you do?â
âI put a wall up...â
âNo,â she said softly. âWhat did you do? Because you are not acting this way because of a feeling you had. You mustâve done something.â
âYeah,â he said, shame burning over his skin. âI did. You know my brother Boone? One time... We shared a room all the time when we were on the road. Right? When we were on the road with the rodeo. And one night he was crying. He was twelve. And he was crying and crying and he wouldnât stop. He just said how much he missed her. I told him to stop. I told him he had to stop. Because it was like... Every time he cried, it was like I was being stabbed in the damn chest. I couldnât handle it. I couldnât listen to it. Because everything that came out as sadness for him stoked the fire of rage inside of me. Because what was tragic to him was just so desperately unfair to me. I told him to stop crying and he didnât. He couldnât. So I punched him in his face. I punched him in his face and I told him heâd better not cry like a little girl anymore. Because it wouldnât bring her back. Because it didnât do anything. It didnât mean anything.â
He watched her face, watched to see if she was shocked, because it still shocked him. He still hated it. And he still hated himself for it. âI still remember what that felt like. That anger. It was so pure. It was probably the most real thing Iâve ever felt in my life. I hated him. And I hated his feelings and what they did to me...â
âThat was grief,â she said. âThat was grief. And I know that Iâve never experienced grief like that, but I know what itâs like to feel angry. I know what itâs like to feel like you would rather just be a toxic awful person than the bigger person. Because everything is terrible so why should you have to be anything but terrible.â
âYou know, my brother still loves me. A lot. He still loves me, because thatâs what younger brothers have to do. And weâre still family. But you... Youâre not stuck with me. My brother needed me and I failed him. And thatâs all I know how to do.â
âAnd you donât want a relationship because of what youâll...â
âBecause if something happens, thatâs who Iâm going to be. Because in sickness, thatâs who I would be. Because for poorer, thatâs who I would be. Because the dark side of those vows would show the dark side in me. And I have never wanted to submit anyone to that. Or a child. I canât imagine that. I would be such a bad father.â
âWhy do you think that? Because of a reaction you had when you were fourteen? To something hideously traumatizing. Flint, you canât live your entire life based on...â
She faltered. And anger ignited in his gut.
Didnât she understand? He was protecting her. From him. Sheâd seen a little bit of what he could be like when he was cornered, when someone got too close.
Didnât she understand this was for her?
âIsnât that what youâve done? Lived your whole life in response to a few things that hurt you? Turned them into the biggest thing about you?â
âThatâs not fair. Thatâs not fair at all.â
âWhy? Anyway, who said I had to be fair. You wanted to know. You wanted to know why. And that is why. So now you know.â
âIâm sorry,â she said again. âIâm sorry I... But I want to fix it. I want...â
He didnât know why it hurt so much to talk about, still. It just did. And it probably always would. And it was the pain that he hated so much. That pain that wouldnât go away.