Nino adjusts his shoulders, facing forward. “That’s because you ruined his birthday.”
I drop my hands and the phone in my lap. “Would you stop saying that? It doesn’t help.”
“But it’s true. You broke his heart, then he ran away from us when he doesn’t even know how to vampire. I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now.”
“Listen, I wasn’t ready,” I express for the umpteenth time. I feel like all I do is defend myself around him lately. Haruka doesn’t say anything about my choice, but Nino picks at me. It’s like he identifies with Jae in some innate way. “If I need time, I need time. Plus, all this bullshit needed to be cleaned up with Ren. I didn’t tell Jae to leave Japan. I didn’t want him to go, but I can’t simultaneously tell him I need space and ask him to stay close by, like an asshole.”
Nino nods. “Exactly. Think about it, Jae died—physically and metaphorically, because everything he thought he knew about himself, and everything he knew to be true, flipped on its head in a singular day. He wakes up to a brand-new world, a new body, perspective and genealogy with nothing to hold on to, and on that same day, the one person he sincerely trusts says, ‘Can you give me some space?’”
Groaning, I rub my palms against my face. He’s been throwing comments like this at me for months. He’s on a roll now, so I just let him get it out of his system.
“You know the night Haru and I bonded, he freaked out—”
“Yes, Asao told me that story. I know.”
“But what Asao doesn’t know is that Haru held my hand. He was so scared, Jun. Insanely distressed. I had never seen him like that before. I thought he might push me away or be cold toward me because he didn’t want to bond at all. He’d told me as much over and over. But then boom, we ended up in that unexpected situation and he didn’t push me away. He reached over and held my hand. That’s the moment I knew we’d always be fine. That I could trust him and he would never hurt me.”
I sit straighter, folding my arms. “Well, we can’t all be perfect like Haruka.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. I get that Jae being purebred is unexpected. But… you can’t push him away and also be crabby about him not picking up the phone when you call. Either you tell him you want space and leave him alone, or you push through your shit and keep him close. You can’t have it both ways.”
I exhale in a groan again because I know he’s right. I know, but… “Your situation is less complicated because you and Haru are both purebreds. Haru had baggage, but you both came into the relationship on equal footing. It sets a tone.”
“That doesn’t matter,” Nino says. “Haru and I are equals in formal ranking and within the privacy of our nest, but you know his bloodline is much older and cleaner than mine. When we’re out in the aristocracy, it’s subtle, but people treat us differently. When vamps greet us, they direct most of their attention to him. If we get requests for social events, they always request Haruka first. Everyone respects me, too, but that’s just the way it is and how the aristocracy works. But I don’t care about that. What matters is what goes on between the two of us, and Haru has never treated me like I wasn’t his equal. And I seriously doubt Jae would ever look at you that way—”
The paper door to our left slides open, and we both stand up, watching as Ren and his father enter the room. Ren is angry, flat out. His forehead is crinkled and his butterscotch eyes are razor sharp as he looks at me. His robe is more formal today (another one that I made for him), and his hair is neatly pulled back in a sleek, long braid trailing down his spine. When he and his father are in front of us, we all bow at the waist, then sit down on our designated cushions. Ren sits on the cushion in front of me with his mouth twisted, never taking his eyes off me. His father sits beside him and across from Nino, who offers a cautious smile.
“Hello, Miyoshi-san.” Nino politely dips his head. “Thank you for meeting with us today.”
Ren’s father is narrow like a plank, but tall. His silver hair is short, and although his face is cracked and weathered from age, you can still see the notes of beauty beyond the hard lines as he smiles. “It is a pleasure to see you, my young lord, despite the nature of the circumstance that brings us together. It is rare to terminate contracts such as these, but I suppose this has been a long time coming.”
I’m watching Miyoshi-san, but I can feel the heat of Ren’s gaze on my face. I won’t lie, I’m terrified right now. At any given moment, he could flare his aura out and slam my head into the ground. It won’t kill me, but I’d still like to avoid it, if possible. So I refuse to look at him. I just keep flicking my gaze between Nino and Miyoshi-san.
“These situations are rare,” Nino agrees. “But amendable. Since Junichi is breaking the contract set between himself and your family, you can state the conditions upon which you’ll allow this termination. Have you established your terms?”
Now I’m watching Nino as he sits straight, confident in his rust-colored sweater—his palms set calmly against his lap, revealing the beautiful watch on his wrist with a brown leather strap and rose-gold facing. We had a long discussion about who should accompany me as my realm leader and representative for this meeting. It’s fucking ridiculous.
I’m a hundred and thirty years old, but I couldn’t come to this meeting and speak up for myself because I’m first-gen. Even though this is about me and my life, I needed a purebred to speak on my behalf to the other purebreds. The even crazier thing is, I’m fortunate. If I had realm leaders who were assholes, they might make me stay in this arrangement—tell me to honor the contract because they don’t want to waste their precious time dealing with my shit.
If my parents were alive, it would be their responsibility, since they originated this pact. In the end, we all thought Nino would be the best representative for me. Having Haruka here would have been like an extra slap in the face for Ren. It was a good choice, because he’s agitated enough as is.
Miyoshi-san lifts his chin, his eyes unwavering. “Yes, my young lord. My partner and I have established two conditions. One, since Junichi is a subject under your realm and jurisdiction, we feel that you should take responsibility in arranging a new feeding source for our son. If we are breaking our arrangement starting today, this matter should be treated with the utmost urgency.”
Nino takes a deep breath but nods. “Haruka and I accept those terms. And your second condition?”
Miyoshi-san looks at me, expressionless. “Compensation. We request that a fee of five million yen be paid as a small consolation. The two parties should have been bonded decades ago—our clan’s resources and finances equally distributed. However, because of Ren’s assurance, we have allowed this unorthodox arrangement to continue. Since, ultimately, our families’ assets will not be combined, recompence for the considerable loss of time and opportunity is required.”
I nod, exhaling a breath. I knew they would ask for something. I was thinking that they would ask for my family’s estate on Miyajima island. We have a large property there on the mountain, deep in the woods. No one lives there, and I haven’t been in forever to check on it. The structure is likely dilapidated, but old families usually go for property over straight cash.
“I recognize that my son is partially to blame for this failed arrangement.” Miyoshi-san looks over at Ren, his face void of emotion as he speaks about his son like he isn’t even there. “He has been blessed with outward beauty, but as our youngest, he is severely lacking in charm and grace. In that way, somehow, my partner and I have failed, and we are not ignorant to his distasteful character and poor reputation. And for that I will only require the direct cash payout.”
I briefly flick my gaze over to Ren. He’s staring down at his lap, the material of his robe clenched in his pale fists.
“Jun?”
When I whip my head to the side, Nino is looking back at me. “Do you accept these terms?” he asks.
Swallowing, I nod again. Five million yen as a direct payout for a failed relationship that’s lasted a century is insulting. To Ren. “Yes, I accept.”
“Good.” Miyoshi-san stands, which causes a ripple effect, and both Nino and I quickly stand as well. Ren doesn’t move. “Consider the arrangement terminated. Junichi, when your father proposed this marriage, I warned him of my youngest and his sour, spoiled temperament. I suppose I should thank you for tolerating him, and for preventing him from bringing us shame for as long as you did.”
“May I speak with Junichi, please? Alone.”
The three of us are staring down at Ren as he sits, his chin lifted and his eyes locked on me. I don’t want to be alone with him again. He’s treated me like shit for years—strutting in here haughtily after making me wait for him, then pouring his inky-black feelings into me week after week—and I’m so close to leaving without having been slammed into the floor or vomiting.
“It’s up to you, Jun,” Nino says. “I can stand right outside.”
Dammit. Why do I feel like I owe him this? Maybe it’s because I never see Ren interact with his family, and seeing this surprises me: how careless his father is in talking about him and insulting him, right in his face. I’ve only ever thought about the monster that I have to deal with week after week. I guess I’ve never considered the environment that might have created him.
Running my fingers against the top of my head, I exhale. “Alright.” I sit back down on the cushion, hating that I’ll have to scream for Nino to rescue me if Ren decides to pin me to the floor. When Miyoshi-san and Nino are gone and the door is closed, I roll my shoulders. I’m about to tell Ren that this is for the best, for both of us, and it’s way overdue. But he beats me to the punch. His words rush out on a breath.
“Violet, I love you.” His butterscotch eyes are dead serious. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this solemn. “I love you. Why hasn’t that ever been enough for you? What more should I have done?”
Now he’s waiting. The air in the room is so still, as if time has stopped. Everything is silent, and it only serves to emphasize this moment. The smell of the rain and tatami in this plain room that I’ve come to week after week, year after year, to sit with him. All of those toxic feedings, arguments and insults—even those hazy early days when we were so young and we would actually make love. When I sincerely tried to please him and when he doted on me. There were times like that: sunny days sporadically peppered throughout the perpetual raging storm of our relationship. The rare calm where we sat in the eye together. I can barely remember those days, but I know they exist.
Ren is waiting for me to explain why. I know he gave everything he could—everything he was capable of. I realize this. I always have.
“The way you love suffocates me. It’s painful.”
