Cugel smilingly shook his head. “Improbable. I have watched the men climbing their columns. They come out blinking and half asleep. They trouble to look at nothing but the state of the weather and the rungs of their ladders.”
Nisbet pulled dubiously at his beard. “Tomorrow, when Fidix climbs his column, he will find himself unaccountably lower by a segment.”
“That is why we must remove the ‘One’ from every column. So now to work! There are many segments to move.”
With dawn lightening the sky Cugel and Nisbet towed the last of the segments to a hiding place behind a pile of rocks on the floor of the quarry. Nisbet now affected a tremulous joy. “For the first time a sufficiency of segments is conveniently to hand. Our lives shall now flow more smoothly. Cugel, you have a fine and resourceful mind!”
“Today we must work as usual. Then, in the unlikely event that the subtractions are noticed, we shall merely disclaim all knowledge of the affair, or blame it on the Maots.”
“Or we could claim that the weight of the columns had pushed the ‘Ones’ into the ground.”
“True. Nisbet, we have done a good night’s work!”
The sun moved into the sky, and the first contingent of men straggled out from the village. As Cugel had predicted, each climbed to the top of his column and arranged himself without any display of doubt or perplexity, and Nisbet uttered a hollow laugh of relief.
Over the next few weeks Cugel and Nisbet satisfied a large number of orders, though never in such profusion as to arouse comment. Dame Sequorce was allowed two segments, rather than the three she had demanded, but she was not displeased. “I knew I could get what I wanted! To gain the satisfaction of one’s wishes one needs only to propose unpleasant alternatives. I will order two more segments shortly when I can afford your exorbitant prices; in fact, you may begin work on them now, so that I need not wait. Eh, Nisbet? Do you remember how I pulled your beard?”
Nisbet responded with formal politeness. “I will make a note of your order, and it will be fulfilled in its proper sequence.”
Dame Sequorce responded only with a coarse laugh and went her way.
Nisbet gave a despondent sigh. “I had hoped that a flow of segments would glut our customers, but, if anything, we seem to have stimulated demand. Dame Petish, for instance, is annoyed that Dame Cillincx’s husband now sits on the same level as Petish himself. Dame Viberl fancies herself the leader of society, and insists that two segments separate Viberl from his social inferiors.”
Cugel shrugged. “We can only do what is possible.”
In unexpectedly short order the segments of the stockpile were distributed, and the women of the town once again became importunate. Cugel and Nisbet discussed the situation at length, and decided to meet excessive demands with absolute obduracy.
Certain of the women, however, taking note of Dame Sequorce’s success, began to make ever more categorical threats. Cugel and Nisbet at last accepted the inevitable and one night went out to the columns and removed all the ‘Twos’. As before, the men noticed nothing. Cugel and Nisbet attempted to fill the backlog of orders, and the antique urn in which Nisbet stored his terces filled to overflowing.
One day a young woman came to confer with Nisbet. “I am Dame Mupo; I have been wed only a week, but it is time to start a column for Mupo, who is somewhat delicate and in need of upper level flux. I have inspected the area and selected a site, but as I walked among the columns I noted an odd circumstance. The bottom segments are numbered ‘Three’ rather than ‘One’, which would seem to be more usual. What is the reason for this?”
Nisbet started to stammer, and Cugel quickly entered the conversation. “This is an innovation designed to help young families such as your own. For instance, Viberl enjoys pure and undiluted radiance on his ‘Twenty-four’. By starting you off with a ‘Three’ instead of a ‘One’, you are only twenty-one blocks below him, rather than twenty-three.”
Dame Mupo nodded her comprehension. “That is helpful indeed!”
Cugel went on to say: “We do not publicize the matter, since we cannot be all things to all people. Just regard this service as Nisbet’s kindly assistance to you personally, and since poor Mupo is not in the best of health, we will provide you not only your ‘Three’ but your ‘Four’ as well. But you must say nothing of this to anyone, not even Mupo, as we cannot extend these favors everywhere.”
“I understand completely! No one shall know!”
On the next day Dame Petish appeared at the quarry. “Nisbet, my niece has just married Mupo and brings me a peculiar and garbled story about ‘Threes’ and ‘Fours’ which, frankly, I cannot understand. She claims that your man Cugel promised her a segment at no charge, as a service to young families. I am interested because next week another niece is marrying, and if you are giving two segments for the price of one it is only fair that you deal in the same manner with an old and valued customer such as myself.”
Cugel said smoothly: “My explanation confused Dame Mupo. Recently we have noticed vagrants and vagabonds among the columns. We warned them off, and then, to confuse would-be thieves, we altered our numerative system. In practice, nothing is changed; you need not concern yourself.”
Dame Petish departed, dubiously shaking her head. She paused by the columns and looked them up and down for several minutes, then returned to the village.
Nisbet said nervously: “I hope no one else comes asking questions. Your answers are remarkable and confuse even me, but others may be more incisive.”
“I imagine that we have heard the last of the matter,” said Cugel, and the two returned to work.
During the early afternoon Dame Sequorce came out from the village with several of her sisters. They paused several minutes by the columns, then continued to the quarry.
Nisbet said in a quavering voice: “Cugel, I appoint you spokesman for the concern. Be good enough to mollify these ladies.”
“I will do my best,” said Cugel. He went out to confront Dame Sequorce. “Your segments are not yet ready. You may return in a week.”
Dame Sequorce seemed not to hear. She turned her pale blue eyes around the quarry. “Where is Nisbet?”
“Nisbet is indisposed. Our delivery time is once again a month or more, since we must quarry more white-stone. I am sorry, but we cannot oblige you any sooner.”
Dame Sequorce fixed her gaze full upon Cugel. “Where are the ‘Ones’ and ‘Twos’? Why are they gone so that the ‘Threes’ rest on the ground?”
Cugel feigned surprise. “Is this really the case? Very odd. Still, nothing is permanent and the ‘Ones’ and ‘Twos’ may have crumbled into dust.”
“There is no evidence of such dust around the base of the columns.”
Cugel shrugged. “Since the columns remain at their relative elevations, no great damage has been done.”
From the back of the quarry one of Dame Sequorce’s sisters came running. “We have found a pile of segments hidden behind some rocks, and all are ‘Twos’!”
Dame Sequorce gave Cugel a brief side-glance, then turned and strode back to the village, followed by her sisters.
Cugel went glumly into Nisbet’s abode. Nisbet had been listening from behind the door. “All things change,” said Cugel. “It is now time to leave.”
Nisbet jumped back in shock. “‘Leave’? My wonderful house? My antiques and famous bibelots? That is unthinkable!”
“I fear that Dame Sequorce will not stop with simple criticism. Remember her dealings with your beard?”
“I do indeed, and this time I will defend myself!” Nisbet went to a cabinet and selected a sword. “Here is the finest steel of Old Kharai! Here, Cugel! Another blade of equal worth in a splendid harness! Wear it with pride!”
Cugel buckled the ancient sword about his waist. “Defiance is all very well but a whole skin is better. I suggest that we prepare for all eventualities.”
“Never!” cried Nisbet in a passion. “I will stand in the doorway of my house and the first to attack shall feel the edge of my sword!”
“They will stand back and throw rocks.” said Cugel.
Nisbet paid no heed and went to the doorway. Cugel reflected a moment, then carried various goods to the wagon left by the Maot traders: food, wine, rugs, garments. In his pouch he placed a pot of ossip boot-dressing, after first anointing his boots, and two handfuls of terces from Nisbet’s urn. A second pot of boot-dressing he tossed upon the wagon.
Cugel was interrupted in his work by an excited call from Nisbet. “Cugel! They are coming, at speed! They are like an army of raging beasts!”
Cugel went to the door and surveyed the oncoming women. “You and your valiant sword may deter this horde from the front door, but they will merely enter from the back. I suggest withdrawal. The wagon is ready.”
Reluctantly Nisbet went to the wagon. He looked over Cugel’s preparations. “Where are my terces? You load boot-dressing but no terces! Is that sensible?”
“The boot-dressing, and not your amulet, defies gravity. The urn was too heavy to carry.”
Nisbet nevertheless ran inside and staggered out with his urn, spilling terces behind him.
The women were now close at hand. Observing the wagon they emitted a great roar of wrath. “Villains, halt!” cried Dame Sequorce. Neither Cugel nor Nisbet heeded her command.
