"What about you hating me?"

"I told you I don't feel hate. I feel nothing." Contrary to what I've said, my heart starts pounding faster, and a flurry of butterflies dance in my stomach. But that's just because I'm anxious he might say no, I'm sure. I genuinely want to try this submissive thing now that I've set my mind on it. And once I've made up my mind there's no turning back. If he were to say no now I'd be deflated.

"Okay. Not sure feeling nothing is much better, but I think I get what you mean." His voice is quieter than a minute ago.

"If you don't want to, Ben, I would underst—"

"No, that's not it. Sure, okay, fine." Uh, thanks, don't sound quite so excited, why don't you?

"As long as you don't call my dick a baby mole," he adds and I grin. He remembered. And he’s joking. That's a good sign, right?

"Scouts honour."

"You were in the cubs."

"Fine, cubs honour." I relax back against the headboard as a sense of relief engulfs me. Smutty decides to give up trying to attract my attention and struts out of my bedroom with one last disapproving look back. I scramble off the bed to close the door. "So, how do we do that?" I nervously nibble on my bottom lip as the door clicks into the lock, shutting out Smutty and stopping him from judging me.

"Well, tell me what you’d like to try."

"I don't know. Not hitting."

"Spanking. Hitting is something different, but I get it, no spanking. Any other nos? Or anything you are particular interested in? Actually, let me ask you this: what fantasies made you want to give this a try?"

"I… I don't know." The bed sags under me as I crawl back onto the mattress.

"Amelia, you need to be open with me if you want to try this. I need to understand what you’re hoping for and what you don't want. There’s no right or wrong answers. We’ll only do what you want, what excites you. Your taste may change over time. Something that sounds exciting now, might not be quite so appealing once you have tried it, or things you don't want now might get interesting. All of this is fine but you need to talk with me about it."

"No spanking," I object again.

"I know. I got that," he replies patiently.

"The thought of not being in charge excites me. The idea of not having to be the strong person, the person in control. I like the idea of someone taking care of me. Of telling me what to do." As I say the words out loud a warm feeling spreads through me. Yes, this is definitely what I want. "Please tell me if that is just weird, or not what you do, or—"

"Amelia as I said, there’s no right or wrong. But your idea of letting someone else control your pleasure fits exactly with what I do and what I enjoy as a… PD," he chuckles as he uses my abbreviation for pleasure dom.

"It’s weird, but if you told me what to do in life I would probably tell you to go and fuck yourself because I’d hate it. I hate when people tell me what to do like I'm an idiot or a small child. But when it comes to sex, the idea…"

"Gets you horny?" he finishes the sentence for me.

"Yes," I agree, blushing deeply again.

"No, it’s not weird, Amelia. But do you understand this will require trust? Can you trust me?"

His question hangs heavy in the room. Can I?

"I get that and yes, I think I can trust you with this."

"Okay, so now tell me your fantasies." My mind is racing. There are so many things, and I'm clearer on what I don't want.

"No spanking."

"Amelia, I promise you, no spanking," he assures me again.

"I like the idea of doing stuff in public but I don't want to be caught. I don’t want to be embarrassed or humiliated." There is no response. "And, and I have used a butt plug sometimes whe—" I stop talking. I'm mortified that I just admitted that.

"With other men?" There’s an edge to his voice.

"No! On my own… It feels good." I bury my face in my hands.

"Okay, got it. Just toys?" he asks with no judgment in his voice. The fact that he doesn't laugh at me calms me down a little and I lean back again.

"Well, I haven't tried going full in the bum, so to speak. So for now just toys back there, I think."

"Darling, anything you want."

"Was that public thing too much?"

"No." He doesn't elaborate on why he stayed quiet. "What about being tied up?"

"I'm not sure. I definitely don't like the idea of handcuffs or ropes or anything like that. It feels quite brutal to me personally. No judgment," I add in panic in case he’s into that.

"None taken. It’s not for everyone and requires an extra level of trust."

"Oh, okay."

"Amelia, I don't say this lightly, but you can trust me."

"I'm new to all this," I admit sheepishly. "I mean, I've read books and watched movies, but never actually done anything other than vanilla sex."

"That's perfectly fine," he insists. "Everyone starts somewhere. And exploring your desires is all about taking things at your own pace."

His words are comforting and make me feel less anxious. Maybe this won't be as scary as I thought.

"But enough talking," he says suddenly, interrupting my thoughts. "I want you to do something for me."

My heart skips a beat at his commanding tone. What does he want me to do?

"I want you to touch yourself," he says simply.

I freeze for a moment, not sure I heard him correctly.

"You want me to do what?" I stammer.

"Touch yourself," he repeats firmly. "I want you to masturbate while we talk."

I feel the heat rising to my cheeks as I process his words. This is definitely not what I was expecting.

"I... um... I don't know if I can do that," I mumble, suddenly feeling shy and self-conscious.