"Please don’t go, let me explain, I didn’t—" he pleads, but I silence him with a hand over his mouth. Hurt and disappointment are like a knot in my chest.

"I get it. And I agree," I assert. He shakes his head, struggling to process my composed response. I force another smile and add, "I've been telling you from day one that you can do so much better than me. And I hope you find it. Truly. Just a tip, don’t lie in your next relationship. Lies always come out. Always."

He looks at me, stunned and confused. He doesn't seem to understand what’s happening. He probably expected tears, shouting, or even a punch to the stomach. I don't know if my reactions come from not wanting to show him how much he is hurting me or because I genuinely agree with him. He can do better than me. I mean, the only thing separating me from being a cat lady is a cat. He, on the other hand, is hot, smart, funny, driven… He’s the full package. Aside from being a liar, that is.

While he fumbles for words, I walk off.

"Amelia!"

I turn one more time, "No, Ben. Let's leave it. Please don't follow me. And please don't contact me anymore." I continue walking and don’t look back but the weight of the moment lingers in the air. With every step away from him my heart breaks a little more and I have to stop myself from turning around and begging him to take me back. Then my inner voice takes over and convinces me that of course someone like Ben won’t stay with me.

"Let him go, Amelia. You were not meant to be," I whisper to myself. I just wish my heart would accept the facts as easily as my brain. It’s that pesky optimism that's waiting for him to come after me, that keeps telling my heart that maybe… No! Enough! There is no maybe. I just lost the love of my life.

8

You Are The Reason

Ben

Amelia slides into the booth and rips the menu from the waiter’s hand. He gives her a scared look, and she realises she’s taking out her anger on him. She apologises in a hushed tone before burying her face in the menu.

I want to slide next to her but think better of it and take a seat on the other side of the table. I can live with every emotion she wants to throw at me. Anger, frustration, hate, fury, anything as long as she doesn't walk away from me again.

I allow myself to study her whilst her attention is on the menu. Even in her fury she looks beautiful. Her features are still as gentle and warm as they were so many years ago. There are now some faint lines around her eyes and the corners of her mouth, and they bring me joy because it tells me she's had plenty of opportunities to laugh. Her hair is still the same shade of gold, triggering memories of how soft it felt when I ran my fingers through it. Her curves are the same curves I used to love tracing with my fingers. She is still as breath-taking as she was so many years ago.

I clear my throat and lower my gaze, trying to focus on the menu. No good can come from that train of thought. You’re just here to apologise.

Neither of us say anything until the waiter has taken our order. With the menus gone there is nowhere to hide. Not for her and not for me. Amelia fiddles nervously with the cutlery in front of her.

"I'm sorry, Amelia." I break the silence and finally her eyes find mine.

"For what?" There is a coldness to her voice which I definitely deserve. "For lying to me when you pretended to be in love with me, or for lying to me when you pretended to be someone you weren't?"

"Neither," I reply and take a sip of my water. Amelia snorts bitterly.

"I loved you. I never lied about that. Neither did I pretend I was someone I wasn't. I'm Ben, I'm a pleasure dom, I was on the app to find someone to meet up with, came across your profile and reached out to you. I keep my face out of pictures because of my business. That's it. I withheld some information, but I didn't lie."

Amelia shakes her head before locking eyes with me again, "Then what are you sorry about, Ben? What? And no bullshit."

Over the years I’ve had this conversation in my head so many times, but now that I have the chance to explain what happened it all sounds stupid.

"I'm sorry for…, I'm sorry that I was such a wanker back then," I sigh. "I let myself get sucked into this superficial world and I wanted to fit in with the other guys. I couldn't see what arseholes they were. I said and did things when I was with them that I’m deeply ashamed of now. Not to mention that I did some business deals that weren't quite illegal, but definitely immoral. Success was judged by who could make the most money by any means possible, and I was blinded by it."

I study her face but I can't read her emotions.

"There’s no excuse for what I said at Ian's back then. None at all. As I said the words out loud I was shouting at myself inside for being such an arsehole, especially because I didn't mean them. I was in love with you. I was crazy about you, but I was also a power-hungry twat who wanted to get ahead."

"And now you want me to forgive you?" Her voice sounds calmer, but I'm not sure if this is better than her anger.

"No," I wince. "I don't think I have the right to ask that from you. Not after just one dinner. I hope one day you can trust that I'm not that man anymore and you can truly forgive me, but no, I won't ask you to forgive me today."

"So, what do you want, Ben?"

"A chance to become your friend and prove to you that I’ve changed."

"You want to be my friend?"

"Yes. I've moved back to Little Hadlow. I'm invited to Miranda’s wedding. It's going to be difficult to avoid each other forever."

"I can say hello when I pass you in the street," she replies, stubbornly avoiding my point.

"Amelia." I wait until her eyes are on me. "You know that's not what I meant."

"I don't know. I'm confused. I should sit here and be angry with you for what you did all these years ago, but that kind of feels like a distant memory. I remember the pain, but it’s pain from the past. Doesn't mean I've forgiven you, but at least it doesn't hurt anymore. Maybe because I lived with it long enough."

Her words hit me right in the chest and I swallow hard.

"I do feel angry though for… for not telling me who you are; I mean my old Ben. I mean, I came here thinking I may—" Her cheeks flush red and she takes a sip from her water.

"You were hoping to shag a pleasure dom?" I ask outright and Amelia chokes on her water. The fact that the waiter arrived exactly at that time with our food and stares at us with big eyes doesn't help Amelia's embarrassment. I have to bite my lip to not grin at her.

"What the fuck?" she hisses at me once the waiter walks away.

"Am I wrong?"

"Well,—" she blushes a little more and takes a bite of her steak. "What have you been up to for all these years?" she changes the topic.

"After you walked away from me I fell into an emotional black hole. I wanted to force you to listen to me, but Coop stopped me. Do you remember Cooper?"

"Of course I do. He was nice. Why did he stop you?" Is that disappointment in her voice?

"Because I was a wanker and I didn't deserve you. I almost lost him as a best friend as well. He told me he wouldn’t hang out with me until I ditched the arseholes.” I take a bite of my food.

“And you did?” she asks, surprise showing on her face.

“I thought I needed these guys to grow at work. But I started to question things after you walked away from me and Coop almost did the same. I realised I needed to leave all that behind and grow up. In the end I resigned. Coop's dad helped us set up our first company; it was a small start-up but we put our everything into it. After a year we opened an office in New York and decided that I would run that location whilst Coop would manage the London office. We then kept opening branches around the world and it was usually me who would man the new office until it was up and running with New York as my base." I settle back into my seat, finding it comforting to talk to her almost as if no time has passed at all.

“But in the last couple of years I just became really homesick. I missed my family. I missed out on so many family events and on seeing my niece and nephews growing up. And so I came back. Our company is successful enough now that we can easily run it from London because we have good people in charge of all our subsidiaries." I shrug.

"How’s Coop?" she asks between bites.

I smile, "He's good. He and his best friend are about to get engaged."

"Oh, congratulations to you and Coop," Amelia chuckles. For a moment the mood feels light-hearted.

"Funny," I grin, "I'm his best guy friend. He and Lizzie met not long after we set up our company when she applied for a job with us. She didn't get the job, but they became best friends."

"And then?" Amelia leans forward, her eyes sparkling. She’s always been a romantic.