The feelings I had tried hard to suppress have effortlessly escaped within one conversation. This is why I didn’t want to be left alone with him. I didn’t want him to find out. Yet, I’m the one who kissed him first, what a hypocrite. Even so, I didn’t expect… I didn’t expect this.
‘I have feelings for you,’ I blurt, pulling away from him. My blood runs cold. What. What did I say? Will freezes, a bitter chill filling the room.
‘What?’ he says so bluntly that even I get confused. Did I not say it? Maybe I didn’t say it out loud. That could have happened. He breaks his trance and retreats a step back apprehensively. ‘Can you repeat that?’
‘No.’ Before was a test, a power play. That could be forgotten, played off as a joke, a mistake. But this – this is something more. This means something. He’ll never come back if he finds out. I’ll be forced back to my old life and we’ll never see each other again.
Will’s stare contains a war raging behind it. They had always been captivating but now in this moment I can appreciate their human flawlessness. The specks of green and brown combine like a painting to make up his captivating and intimidating stare. It consumes me whole.
I shake my head, though I’m sure barely noticeable, silently pleading with him not to push any farther. To my surprise, Will concedes, pulling me back in and diminishing the gap between us in seconds.
33
William
Fear encompasses her face like a deer in headlights. How can I ask her to repeat herself when she looks at me like that? Maybe it’s not so bad to feign ignorance. If I had heard her, I’m sure she would expect an answer, and if I answered… What would happen if I said I felt the same way? Where would that put us? Nowhere good, I bet.
Rationally, I know this is ludicrous. But here and now, there’s nothing I want more than all of her attention, just like how she has all of mine. How hypocritical of me, threatening Xander for his possessive nature when it’s glaringly obvious that I’m the greatest offender. I loathe the effortless time she spends with Rye. It should be me.
Even now, she looks at me like I’m not the diabolical being that I am. Instead of setting her free, releasing her back to her world, I’m desperately chaining her to me. A selfish, pitiful being. How did this happen? When did it start? When she accompanied the human boy perhaps. Those seeds sowed deeper and more twisted as time went on. A hatred and bitterness that grew every time I saw them together, every smile and every touch they shared.
Yet, I never thought I would act. That I would break my facade. Not like this, and not so easily. How terrifying. Everything that I’d worked so hard to build, destroyed by simple temptation.
But it’s okay – because she likes me. That fact alone brings me more joy than I deserve. Just that is enough.
Her racing heart is like rhythmic gold in the silence. A comforting notion that I’m not the only one feeling the way I do. Lifting her jaw adjacently to mine, I rescind my control back to the darkness. This kiss is different than before. Longer, more desperate, feverish. It’s filled with the knowledge that this is a fleeting, ephemeral moment. Like sweet revenge, my own twisted form of punishment. A sample of something I can never have. But I want it.
For a brief moment my eyes open, pulling back slightly with the intention to confess everything. That I can’t stop thinking about her. That something has changed. That this is what I want.
Siara’s eyes are hollow.
Dark blankets of deep void stare back, lifeless. Cold.
I push her away – harder than I anticipate. Unhinged dread courses through every part of my veins, nausea rising like the dead itself. Is she possessed? ‘You’re not her…’
As soon as the words come out, I know how it sounds. Siara stumbles back from the force, tripping over her feet and falling to the hard ground. Surrounded by shattered pieces of vase, her green eyes flash up, hurt and confused. It was me. I was doing that to her.
The words fall out of her mouth like dripping poison. ‘I’m not her?’ She grimaces. ‘Charlotte, is that who you mean?’ Every part of my being wants to set things straight, tell her that’s not what I mean, tell her there’s no one else but her anymore, but I don’t. Those hollowed eyes were real. They weren’t my imagination.
Horror builds itself slowly in pieces, the curtain of infatuation lifting. Am I stealing her soul? Could I cause something unforgivable? This makes what was already obvious, painstakingly clear. Whatever this is between us – can’t happen. Heret-Kau is right.
I clear my throat. ‘Yes.’ It’s a lie, and not a very convincing one. She will know, just like she always knows. She’ll call me a coward or at the very least, she’ll think it. Siara knows me. She knows the me I am now, not how I used to be, yet she always seems to know when I’m lying as if she’s known me forever.
Ready to reinforce my lie, I turn. Seeing her pale face and watering eyes, it’s worse than I could have imagined. She believes me. Hurt and disgust flow over her in waves and I want to say something, anything to comfort her, but I don’t. I can’t. This is for the best. She has Rye, another human. He is able to be with her as another living breathing person. He was right. They can have a future together. There is no future with me. I’m already dead.
Reality rains down, an unwelcome but much needed cold shower. And Charlotte. Her name rings with resolve in my mind. It’s clear we don’t have the same feelings that we used to, but a promise is a promise. Fate is fate. I must lie in the bed I have made.
Siara’s shoes rustle against the floorboards as she picks herself up. I take my leave quickly as if nothing had happened between us at all. A decision I immediately regret, despite having failed to find alternatives. ‘I have to go. Please forget this happened.’
‘Will!’ she calls after me, her voice breaking uneven. I flinch. Striding down the hallway, I retreat out the back door into the early spring night. The crisp air bites at my skin, a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. I can hear her quickened footsteps pattering down the steps as she follows behind. I’m running away. I can’t believe it. That’s what’s happening right now.
‘Siara.’ My voice comes out as a growl. ‘Don’t follow me.’ Don’t look back. Keep looking ahead. Gain enough distance and make a portal.
‘Will, wait! You can’t just leave.’
My head shakes, trying to block her out. How could I have possibly let this happen? I can’t let my reckless and impulsive actions ruin her life.
The ground is coated with settled frost and with a quick motion, I use it to secure Siara’s feet in place. Ice builds, forming a hard structure over her shoes. Her watery eyes fill with a mix of remorse and confusion. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, almost involuntarily. It escapes from my lips as easily as a breath might. My voice becomes firm, counteracting my slip-up. ‘What happened before was a mistake. We – I shouldn’t have done that.’ This is what’s best for her. If I care about her at all, I need to keep walking. It’s imperative I walk away and never come back and if she hates me forever, that’s even better.
The frustration builds as she continues to struggle. ‘Will, let me go! We can talk about this.’
‘No, we can’t. There’s nothing to discuss.’
‘You’re keeping things from me again, aren’t you? Just tell me what’s going on. I can help.’
I swallow hard. A reflexive habit from my human years. ‘No. There’s nothing to be said. You can’t help – you’re just a human. Your role is over now.’ I wait a few moments to find my words. ‘I don’t need you anymore.’
‘You haven’t changed at all. Just for a second, I thought maybe you were–’
‘Different?’ I cut in. ‘Why would I be any different? Don’t be so naive. You were right before – your role is over. The other realm isn’t some fairy land you can escape to when the human world is feeling a little boring. You haven’t even seen half of the horrible and twisted things that exist over there. You’re not special, Siara. You’re not invincible. You’re just – you’re just a human in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s all.’
An unsteady flicker catches my eye. Ceiling lights blink violently in the townhouses behind her. In an eerie partnership, the sky grows dark above us, preparing for an oncoming storm. It’s thunder bellows, preceding it.
Siara grits her teeth, a quiet calm about her that is more unnerving than reassuring. ‘You don’t know that. I’m different now.’
She’s right. She is different. That world has changed her and maybe it’s taken me some time, but I see now just how right Marxel was; she can’t waste her life on me. I can’t let her. ‘I’ll rephrase as it’s clear you still don’t understand: it doesn’t matter how different you are, you’ll never be one of us. You will always be a living, breathing, reminder of what we once had and what we lost. We will always resent you and because of that, as long as we are in your company we will never move on. We will never be at peace.’
Muscles in her jaw tense. It appears the storm has found us. The windows of the house rattle violently. Street lights buzz along the nearby road, fizzling out with a final array of sparks. Dread forms in the pit of my stomach. ‘You have to return to your own life, Siara.’
