Everything. Everything I was feeling. Everything that haunted my headspace for days. Being in this world and not knowing why.
Being hunted and raped. Being confused and hurt. Watching a man die while his chain was hooked to me. Losing my world, my father, my job, my friends, my culture and everything I knew. Finding friends and building friendships at the same time not knowing if they would be torn away. And struggling against starting to fall in love with a man I didn’t understand, whose ways frightened and repulsed me but I was drawn to him by something I couldn’t deny because it was just… that… strong.
And then, with one swing of his mighty arm, falling right out of love and landing with a crash so brutal, it shattered me.
In other words, I cried a lot of fucking tears.
So many, it exhausted me. So much emotion, I couldn’t get it all out, it was impossible, the effort felt like it would kill me and my body had to shut down just to survive.
Therefore I fell asleep in Lahn’s cradling arms even as the tears continued to fall.
* * * * *
I woke in the night still in Lahn’s arms and I didn’t hesitate in pulling away, rolling and getting up from the bed.
Candlelight still spluttered, as it always did, he never extinguished them in the night, and it led my way to the trunks. I opened one, selected a nightgown, pulled it out, took off my clothes and jewelry, dropping them unheeded to the rugs at my feet and then I slid the nightgown on.
Then I moved to the bed of hides by the flaps and laid down, my head to the cushions, my back to Lahn in the bed.
I barely got settled before I was going up, his arms around me, cradling me to his chest again and I was back in bed. He jerked the silk out from under us, settled it over us and then he pulled me under
his body, his heavy legs tangling with mine, his arm nearly fully around me, his weight pinning me to the bed.
As ever, no escape.
So I escaped the only way I had.
I twisted my neck to turn my face away.
But I was with Lahn and Lahn being Lahn, he didn’t even give me that.
His big hand curved around my jaw and he turned my head so I was facing him then his fingers glided into the hair at the side of my head, his thumb against my cheek, forcing my face into his throat and keeping it there.
I felt the burn in my throat and pulled in a deep breath that broke in the middle, loudly, communicating my struggle against tears.
Lahn’s fingers tensed into my scalp but otherwise his hand didn’t move.
It took a lot out of me, everything I had left, but I succeeded in holding them back.
When my breath evened, communicating I won my battle, Lahn’s neck bent and I felt his lips on my hair as his fingers again tensed gently into my scalp.
There he whispered, “Na lapay kah rahna Dahksahna. Na lapay kah Lahnahsahna. Na lapay kah Circe. Fahzah, Circe. Fahzah.
Farzah kay markan nahna rah ruhnee zo kay. Farzah. Kuvoo sah, Circe, loot farzah danhay.”***
One couldn’t say I had the Korwahk language down pat, not even close, but I knew enough to know what he was saying.
And from the way he said it, I knew he really meant it.
And there it was, I had no choice, I had no escape, I had nothing.
So I closed my eyes, forced my body to relax and tried to find sleep.
This took awhile before I succeeded and his hand never left my head until I was out and when I went out, I went out.
So I didn’t feel nor even sense Lahn’s hand drifting down to curl around my neck nor did I feel the pad of his thumb tenderly press up on my jaw to expose my face to him.
And lastly, I didn’t feel his lips brush mine before his arm curved around me, he pulled me deeper under him and then he fell asleep.
* Translation: “Leave us!”
** Translation: “You are not my Lahn.”
*** Translation: “You are my golden queen. You are my tigress.
You are my Circe. Always, Circe. Always. Never will I allow your gold to be taken from me. Never. Understand this, Circe, and never forget.”
Chapter Fifteen
The Gifts
The noises of the Daxshee being disassembled and packed up were all around me but I didn’t see it nor did I hear it.
I was completely in my head.
Being in that world was no good place to be and being in my head wasn’t much better.
Still, it was better so that was where I was going to be.
