I tried to remember what Malik had told me about Lucy but the details were blurry. It was something about her not being suitable enough to have a future with. How he thought she was into her career more than having a family. Of all the women in London, why did he pick her? My colleague? My friend?
What felt worse than his lies, though, were hers. It all made sense now, why she was so happy to help me with my stupid list. I wasn’t simply Maya, her work colleague. I was Maya, her potential future sister-in-law.
Then there was Sheila. What was my future going to look like if I packed in my job?
Looking around Sami’s bedroom at three in the morning, at the sage green walls with a mural of a whale painted over the fireplace and all the toys neatly organised in wicker baskets, I wondered if I would ever get all this for myself: a pretty house in the suburbs, an adorable baby and toddler, bougie hot chocolate in a fancy mug. The strange thing was, I didn’t know how badly I wanted it all, until now.
Chapter Thirty-Two
The next morning I woke up with a banging headache. Sami was no longer next to me and I could hear him pottering around somewhere in the house. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t hide in Dina’s house forever – she had a newborn baby to deal with and I didn’t want to burden her like I had apparently been burdening everyone else – but the thought of facing Malik made me ill. It was unlikely that he would be at home on a Saturday, so I dragged myself home later that morning, praying that he wouldn’t be there.
The house was quiet and still when I entered, everything pristine without a speck of dust in sight thanks to Ma’s obsession with cleanliness. No one was home, so I shuffled about in the kitchen for a bit, making myself some tea and toast before heading up to my room. Ma had left a basket of my clean clothes fresh off the clothes horse and once again, I felt the sting of Malik’s accusation.
Once I had put my laundry away, I half-heartedly pulled out Noah’s notebook and flicked through the pages until I got to the next item on the list. I wasn’t in the mood for Noah’s antics, but I needed a distraction from the mess that was my life:
22. PAY OFF CC 
DONE!!! £6,790 all gone – finally debt-free and it bloody feels amazing! DO NOT EVER PUT YOURSELF IN THIS SORT OF SITUATION AGAIN!!!!
I felt bad as I read number twenty-two. Now that we had met again in real life and he was no longer a fantasy, but a real-life person I was possibly about to go on a second date with, it felt like an invasion of his privacy. What if he didn’t want me to know that he used to have credit-card debt?
Thanks to the fact that I had been ‘burdening’ my parents all these years and that I didn’t have much of a life or style until recently, I had zero debt and hefty savings. Under Noah’s note, I wrote, Alhamdulillah, this isn’t something I need to do. Maybe look into investing money instead?
Moving onto twenty-three, Noah had written:
23. GET OVER FEAR OF KARAOKE!
Bloomsbury Lanes private room – was jokes! Still can’t sing but all good.
The thought of doing karaoke made my stomach turn. Some people liked getting up there and having everyone watch them fooling about, but I didn’t. I couldn’t think of anything worse than being the centre of attention. I would never be able to relax or let myself go. How was I supposed to do this?
Something Fareena had said once came to me, about how sometimes we’re the ones who cause our own difficulties and that if we got out of our own way, then incredible things could happen. I didn’t think she meant going to karaoke, but the sentiment still rang true.
Before I could persuade myself otherwise, I opened up Noah’s last message asking if I wanted to meet up at the weekend and texted him back. I was in desperate need of a distraction and some fun, something to take the edge off the pain that was currently residing within me:
MAYA: You up for some karaoke?
NOAH: Count me in! Tonight?
MAYA: If you’re free?
NOAH: I have a client at 5, so can meet around 8?
MAYA: Perfect, I’ll see what’s available.
The place Noah went for karaoke was fully booked, so I booked the smallest private booth at a place in Holborn and arranged to meet him there.
As I got ready for our date, I was acutely aware that I still didn’t know if Noah was Muslim or not. If he wasn’t, whatever we were doing wasn’t going to lead anywhere, so why was I still doing it?
Noah was already there waiting for me when I walked up to the doors leading down to the basement that housed the various private karaoke booths. I felt nervous as I approached him. He was looking down at his phone and I got a few seconds of observing him unnoticed and he didn’t disappoint in a white T-shirt that showed off his beautiful colouring and faded, ripped jeans. We were sort of matching and for the first time in my life, I felt the overwhelming need to get a picture of us together so I could forever remember the time I matched outfits with the hottest man in London.
‘Hey,’ I called out as I approached him. He smiled when he saw me; a wide, easy, unassuming smile, causing my belly to do a little somersault and pushing away the darker thoughts that had been plaguing me since the day before.
‘Hello,’ he replied, his voice warm and smooth, like custard when it’s made right. He reached over to hug me and I let him, feeling another stab of guilt. Was this going to go anywhere? If not, why was I letting this random man touch me? I persuaded myself that I wouldn’t cross any more lines, that this would be the extent of any physical moments between us. It’s not as if I was behaving like my brother – going on holidays and shopping in Morrisons with a woman I had no intention of marrying. It was karaoke. There was a vague hug. That was it.
