‘Oh and you’re a bundle of joy yourself, aren’t you?’ I screamed back. ‘Crying like a baby because your life is soooo sad while you mess around with MY FRIEND and refuse to commit to her!’
Malik shut up then. In fact, everyone fell silent.
‘What are you talking about?’ Ma demanded, looking from me to Malik in bewilderment.
‘Ask your beloved son about who he took on holiday to Thailand! That’s why he hates spending money at home. He’s trying to keep up with his girlfriend, Lucy. She’s white-English by the way and has very expensive taste—’
‘Who’s English? Who’s “Loose”?’ Nani interrupted, looking at us in confusion.
‘Malik? What’s going on? Is this true?’ Ma gasped, the blood draining from her face.
‘What’s the meaning of all this?’ Baba chimed in, as if he felt as though he had to say something.
‘You stupid cow,’ Malik snarled. ‘You’re jealous because no one’s ever been interested in you!’
‘That’s what you think! FYI, there are two guys interested in me right now and both are willing to fight for what they want. They’re not stringing me along and hiding me from the world like you’re doing with Lucy!’
‘What?’ Ma turned to stare at me. ‘What’s going on? You have two boyfriends? Since when? La hawla wa la quwwata illah billah! A’oozo billiahi minash shaytaan irrajeem!’ Ma started wailing Arabic prayers, asking God to get rid of Satan. Fudge. I hadn’t meant to let that slip. In fact, I hadn’t meant to let anything slip, but Malik kept pushing me until I was past my limit and well past the point of no return.
‘Hope you’re happy! This is all your fault!’ I screamed at my brother before running out of the dining room. I heard Malik do the same. A second later, I slammed the door to my bedroom, Malik had stormed out of the house and everyone else remained downstairs, lunch long forgotten.
No one came up to bother me for hours and I sat there on my bed, sobbing like a teenager. Malik was right, I was a miserable old leech. I tried praying, but my mind was too distracted and I went through the motions shakily, without really focusing or connecting with God.
After my prayers, I flopped down onto my bed and took out Noah’s journal. The book had become a lot of things for me over the past nine and a half months. It felt like the one, steady constant that gave me a sense of purpose. I always knew what I was going to do next, no matter how small or big the task was. The act of holding it in my hands helped soothe me; I ran my fingers over the soft leather, tracing over Noah’s embossed initials.
My bedroom door opened and I dropped the book like a hot handesh, guilty at being caught. But it was only Nani, who shuffled into my room carrying a tray with tea, biscuits and mishti on it. I leapt out of bed and relieved her of it, feeling bad that she had carried it all the way upstairs.
‘Nani, afneh ita kita khorrah? What are you doing? I could have carried this!’ I scolded her gently, as I placed the tray on my vanity and offered her a seat on my bed. She sat down and I handed her one of the teacups.
‘How, when you’re hiding away in here?’ she replied, giving me a sharp look. ‘Tell me what’s been going on, my Maya-shuna. Why are you and your brother fighting? You two only have each other, it’s not nice seeing you fight like that.’
‘He’s been really awful with me recently,’ I replied in my broken Bengali mixed with a heavy dose of English. ‘He keeps making digs and comments about me being a burden. I feel like moving out.’
‘Toubah ostoghrifullah!’ Nani scolded me, imploring God for forgiveness in her heavily accented Arabic. ‘How can an unmarried girl like you move out of her parents’ home? Mansheh kita khoibah?’
‘What will people say?’ was my Nani’s favourite phrase and could be applied to nearly any situation. Going back to uni. What will people say? Going to a life-drawing class. What will people say? Going on holiday with friends. What will people say?
‘Tell that to Malik. He’s the one who called me a burden.’
‘You’re not a burden, my shuna,’ Nani said soothingly, stroking my hair as I leant my head on her shoulder. ‘You’re the opposite. You’re the life and foundation of this family. Without you there would be no warmth, no soul.’
‘Really?’
‘Really. I’m sure your brother’s reaction has nothing to do with you. He’s probably worried about this shada girlfriend of his and what everyone’s reaction will be.’
‘I shouldn’t have said anything,’ I said, hanging my head in shame. ‘He’ll never forgive me.’
‘You were only reacting because of the things he was saying to you. You’ve probably done him a favour, forcing it all out in the open. Maybe now he can move forward with his life. And you need to do the same. Move forward with life, however you see fit. If it’s not with a husband, then progress in other ways, like studying. It’s OK, my shuna. But first, what is this about two boys?’
‘It’s nothing important, Nani,’ I admitted. ‘I just said that to make Malik shut up.’
After Nani and co. had left, I picked up the notebook from where it had fallen on the floor. I hesitated every time I opened it now. Noah and I were sort of dating, if you could call it that when there was no kissing or hanky-panky going on. It was more like courting. The point was, he wasn’t a stranger anymore and reading his list was like looking into his mind. It was private.
But I was so close to the end. How could I stop now? I pushed aside any feelings of guilt and opened it up to the next page:
24. PUT DOWN AN OFFER ON A HOUSE
Can’t find anything decent within budget – keep looking, don’t give up!
I re-read it, feeling proud of my man and everything he was doing to make his life better. What was it that Nani had said to me? Something about continuing to grow and progress in life, with or without a husband. Maybe it was time for me to put down some roots on my own. In fact, Baba had been telling me to look into property for a while, but I hadn’t taken it seriously. I could easily afford a deposit on a flat, but if I was going to reduce my hours to part-time, or leave my job, I wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage. I decided there and then to find a mortgage advisor and get the ball rolling while I still had the chance.
Zakariya seemed like the person who would know about this stuff, so despite the cold vibes I got from his earlier message, I texted him and asked him if he knew any mortgage advisors. Immediately, I felt a sense of relief and the lunch-time drama stung a little less. I knew what I was going to do next with my life and that’s what mattered.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Malik had been ignoring me since the disastrous lunch and I did the same in return. Avoiding him meant I was holed up in my bedroom most of the time, more so because I had bunked work for three consecutive days, feigning the flu. By now, Malik had surely told Lucy that I knew about them and I couldn’t bear to face her. I wasn’t eating my mum’s food and was surviving on cereal to avoid going downstairs when anyone was home. I had reached an all-time low.
My brother wasn’t the only one who had aired me. Zakariya didn’t respond to my message about the mortgage advisor and the rebuff stung. Whatever. I didn’t need him. I asked Dina instead, who shared the details of the one she used, and I made an appointment for later that week and carried on scouring Rightmove, putting all the potential properties in my favourites folder.
There was a saying that when one door closed, another opened. Life felt like the other way round for me. When one door opened, four windows and doors closed. I had finally found Noah – the object of my fantasies for many months – and simultaneously lost Lucy, my brother, Zakariya and possibly my job. Things were strained with my parents and instead of helping me, therapy was uncovering feelings and issues that I hadn’t realised I had.
