‘She really never invited you when we were at school?’ Lizzie asked.
Rose shook her head, inhaling the dregs of her cigarette. ‘We weren’t that close.’
Lizzie hunched her shoulders and blew smoke out. ‘I kind of thought we were all as close as each other.’
What a privilege, Rose thought, to be so safely cocooned in your own bubble that you think everyone else is just as content as you are.
When they went back into the kitchen to top up their drinks, they saw the backs of two naked men huddled around a sink. On closer inspection, it seemed both had ties around their waists. They turned around when they heard footsteps, revealing mini aprons.
‘Johnny,’ said Rose, nodding at the one on the right.
‘Hello,’ he smiled, politely.
‘You two know each other?’ Lizzie asked.
‘GIRLS!!!! GET YOUR TIGHT ARSES BACK HERE RIGGHHHHHT NOOWWWW!!’ Jessie’s orders had become increasingly screeched as she drank more.
All three women turned and started to walk back to the conservatory.
‘Seriously, Rose, how do you know the butler in the buff?’ asked Lizzie.
‘I don’t. He was just friendly earlier.’
‘He’s hot! I’m jealous.’
‘I’m sure you’ll get every opportunity to ogle at him in a minute.’
‘Hope so,’ Lizzie said, rubbing her hands together.
‘FINALLY! OKAY, ARE WE READY?’ Jessie was standing on the sofa again, holding her phone. She tapped something and then Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’ started to play from hidden speakers.
Sniggers emerged around the room as everyone realised what was about to happen.
In swaggered Johnny and the other man Rose had just seen in the kitchen.
Everyone was whooping and cheering. Rose just watched – until Johnny caught her eye, raising an eyebrow when he noticed she wasn’t clapping. On impulse, she relented, giving him what he wanted. Her whoop was quiet and pathetic but Johnny smiled.
‘He is seriously eye-fucking you,’ whispered Lizzie.
Rose laughed and shook her head.
The girls had to surround Johnny and his colleague, if you could call him that, in a semicircle. Both men looked almost identical. They introduced themselves and it transpired that Johnny and Jamie were twin brothers from Newcastle. Johnny enjoyed ‘cooking pasta and going to the gym’, Jamie enjoyed ‘lifting weights and licking pussy’.
‘Is stripping a family business?’ slurred Nikki, who had not stopped twirling her hair around her fingers since the two men arrived.
‘You could say that,’ Johnny said and winked at her, prompting a fit of giggles.
Pippa sighed. ‘I’m sorry about my mother,’ she said.
‘Don’t be, we love a MILF!’ replied Jamie.
‘A MILF! Golly, I’ve always wanted to be one of those,’ swooned Nikki.
Each of the men had the same grooves in the corners of their shoulders, the same firm, protruding pecs, and the same bulging arms. If Rose squinted slightly, they looked like legs of ham, primed for a honey glaze.
The men gave each of the women a shot of tequila and introduced the first game: body parts, which was as straightforward as it sounded. Everyone had to say their name and the part of someone else’s body they would most like to lick.
Johnny went first. ‘Boobs,’ he said, grinning.
Jamie said ‘pussy’, unsurprisingly. Most of the women said ‘abs’, ‘arse’, or ‘dick’. Nikki said ‘left butt cheek’, reaching her hands out and squeezing the air to demonstrate. Rose said ‘arms’.
This, it transpired, was a very good choice, because the next round of the game was to lick that body part of the person next to you.
Rose was relieved that she was standing next to Lizzie, and Emma licked Rose’s stomach, her tongue slimy and warm. Rose licked Lizzie’s arm, wondering what part of marriage compelled women to binge drink with strangers and lick parts of each other’s bodies.
The ones who had said ‘dick’ or ‘pussy’ were permitted to lick the crotch area of the person standing next to them over their clothing. This was all very well and good until it got to Ruby, who was fidgeting furiously. She was standing next to Jamie.
Johnny licked Jamie’s chest and then it was his turn. He turned to Ruby, mouth agape with hunger. She said nothing as this man proceeded to bend down, put his hands on her thighs, and moved his head underneath her dress.
Jessie was cheering and the other girls joined in. Ruby looked completely paralysed, her mouth slightly open with eyes glued to the floor.
When he removed his head, Johnny gave Ruby a kiss on the cheek and turned back to face the semicircle of women, all of whom were laughing and cheering as he took a bow.
‘I only kissed her knickers, calm down,’ he said, noticing Rose’s silence.
The games became increasingly uncomfortable. Rose had never been to a hen do and had nothing to compare it to. During another cigarette break, Grace, who had been to a few hens, even admitted it wasn’t supposed to be this full on. ‘The butlers in the buff are meant to just top up our drinks and get the mood going,’ she said. Still, everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves apart from Rose and Ruby, who hadn’t said anything since the first game.
There was only one game that Rose enjoyed. The women were split into teams and given a series of riddles to solve. They were all sex-related, but it was the least X-rated game of the bunch.
