“You didn’t answer my question; did you and Benedict have a falling out?” The look of concern written in her eyes made Livinia pause and realize the depths of the girl’s feelings.
Hunkering down at her side, Livinia took Theodora’s hands in hers. “I promise you that I will be here for you as long as I am able. And as for your question, the earl and I may have a falling out now and then on matters regarding you, but that is only because we care very deeply for your well-being. We have never once meant to make you feel unsafe.”
She left out the part that she and the earl couldn’t have any kind of real ‘falling out’ since they were never ‘in’, not in the sense that mattered in their worlds in any case. They had shared a few heated moments followed by passionate bliss that now seemed to have evaporated into thin air.
Leaning forward, Theodora threw her arms around Livinia’s neck and hugged her tight. “Please don’t leave, whatever the matter is. I know Benedict keeps a lot of things from me because he feels he must protect me, but I can always feel it when something is wrong.”
Startled by the embrace, it took Livinia a moment to realize that the girl was truly communicating her fears. She didn’t know what was happening, but she wasn’t oblivious to the tense atmosphere plaguing the house.
“Things weren’t as nice before you arrived; I finally have someone I feel I can look up to.” Theodora tightened her grip, pulling Livinia a little closer.
“I promise I am not going anywhere,” Livinia said, repeating her sentiment from earlier and returning the hug. It didn’t matter if things had fizzled out between her and the earl, no matter how much that hurt. She had more important matters to focus on. Theodora was her charge, and part of her duties meant that she needed to protect her as well as teach her how to act like a lady.
Pulling away with tears in her eyes, Theodora composed herself. “I think we had better fix my hair now, I’ve gone and undone all your good work.” She spoke in a tone that was beyond her years of wisdom. There was a maturity to Theodora that showed itself on rare occasions when it mattered.
“I think we had better fix it before Lord Sheffield decides to start quacking like a duck instead of acting like a bear with a sore foot.” Livinia pushed back her tears and came up straight as she began to fix Theodora’s hair.
The situation she found herself in was far more than just a situation where her heart was at risk of being broken by the man she had possibly fallen in love with. She still wasn’t sure what love truly felt like or if her feelings towards the earl had more to do with lust than anything else. All that mattered at present, however, was protecting Lady Theodora. She needed to devise a plan to convince Benedict of what she was saying.
Thomas was acting far too strange for her liking, and the sudden appearance of Lady Eleanor still struck her as too odd of a coincidence. She might have heard of Benedict’s sudden appearance at the ball, yet her argument with Thomas made it seem like there was more to the story than just a meeting of chance.
She made up her mind to devote her time and attention to solving the mystery, no matter what came in the wake of her decision.
Chapter 19
Livinia watched from the window in her chambers as the carriage pulled away from the mansion. Her heart ached when she saw Benedict in his neat evening tails and tall top hat. He had been just as handsome as the night he had taken her to the ball.
He didn’t take me to the ball; he allowed me to accompany him.
She corrected herself with agonizing pain as she turned from the window. There was no use in denying the fact that she was no more than a governess to him, yet a small part of her heart clung to the hope he’d stirred in her heart every time he glanced in her direction or spoke to her as if he’d wanted to devour her soul.
Her pulse rushed through her veins as she thought of the way his hands had ravished her body. His hot kisses had left an indelible mark on her neck that still tingled when she lay awake at night. Shaking off the steamy thoughts that only proved to enhance the ache in her chest, she turned to the door with sheer determination. She would spend the evening getting to know Thomas a little better.
***
The candles in the kitchen flickered, casting shadows across the cast iron pots against the walls. A few shelves had been set apart for storing foods such as cheese, eggs, and various kinds of fruit. It didn’t take much to run a household with only three people.
Thomas kept giving her suspicious glances as he decanted some of the wine the earl often enjoyed with his evening meals. Livinia presumed he would be enjoying a glass or two upon his return.
“Is there something I can help you with, Miss Campbell?” Thomas finally snapped and allowed the mutton cloth he intended to use as a sieve to fall to the table.
Livinia took her time and sipped her tea, carefully shutting the book she had been reading at the kitchen table. “Nothing at all; I just thought you might like some company while working. Since it is just the two of us.” She placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand as she smiled at him.
He continued to glare at her as a small vein in his jaw pulsed to life. Livinia had decided to choose the high road in her dealings with Thomas. After all, Benedict considered him a trusted servant, so she was left with no choice but to give the man the benefit of the doubt.
“In all my years of solitary service, I can assure you that I have never once longed for company, Miss Campbell.” The vein in his jaw grew bigger until it pulsed in his neck.
“But surely you must want company sometimes? Aren’t there people in the village you visit or family and old acquaintances even that you stay in contact with?” She continued her light course of questioning with a noncommittal air, hoping that he’d let even the smallest bit of information slip.
His shoulder rose and fell with a heavy sigh as he looked at her with all the irritation in the world. “Both my parents are dead; they died of a fever some years ago. I have one brother who works on a fishing boat. I write to him once a month just to keep in touch. Now is there anything else you would like to know about my life?” His eyes widened with anger until they resembled saucers.
That would explain the stack of letters.
Livinia felt slightly sorry for the man if it was true that his only correspondence was with his brother. Yet the worn letter with feminine writing still needed an explanation. “Have you ever been in love?”
“Have I ever what?” Thomas’s head snapped up so fast that she worried he may have caused himself an injury.
“Have you ever been in love? It stands to reason that an attractive young man such as yourself may have courted someone in his past or even fallen in love with someone he shouldn’t have.” Livinia realized that she may have been a little too bold with her line of questioning.
“Are you questioning me because of your own guilty conscience, or is there something else that has sparked this line of questions? If so, I must ask you to please get to the point so that I may carry on with my duties.” He glared at her with an unwavering hatred that shone through his eyes like flickering flames.
I touched a nerve.
She felt a little taken aback by his blatant accusation and wondered just how much he knew of her feelings towards the earl, but she decided to press on for the sake of gaining clarity on the matter. “Falling in love is not a crime; even acting on those feelings isn’t against the law. Better people than you and I have found themselves falling in love with people where a future wasn’t possible.”
Thomas paused for a moment and drew up a chair on the opposite side of the table before taking a seat. “Can I tell you what happens to people who fall in love, Miss Campbell? Whether they are servants, lords, ladies, or even highwaymen. They all end up getting their hearts broken in the end. True love does not exist; men only want one thing from women, and women want one thing from men.” He leaned forward over the table and looked her in the eyes. “One has to do with lust, and the other has to do with money; neither of them ever leads to any good.”
The seriousness of his words sent a shiver down her spine. Was he trying to tell her that the earl only wanted her to slake his desire? He’d already told her that in so many words. What she didn’t know was if he was referring to himself and his own sordid past.
“Whatever you think you feel for the earl, it’s not love. Love is a trap that people use to get what they want from others. The only question you should be asking yourself if you think you are in love is what do you want from the earl? I can tell you from personal experience that you aren’t going to get what you want; love is just a game with no winners.”
Livinia swallowed hard as his words sank in. She was more certain than ever that he wasn’t just alluding to her relationship with Benedict. Thomas had a sordid past that had left an indelible mark on his soul, much like the kisses the earl had pressed against her neck.
***
Thomas and Livinia waited for Benedict and Theodora in the entrance hall as soon as the carriage pulled up in front of the house. Their talk in the kitchen had left Livinia with more questions than she’d started with. It was clear to her that Thomas had been hurt in the past; perhaps Benedict had been right in thinking that he was loyal to the family.
All she knew at present was that her head ached from trying to figure him out.
