7. Which type of romantic partner would bother you the most?
_____ one who spends frivolously
_____ one who interrupts constantly
_____ one who is very messy
8. How do you learn best?
_____ independent reading and study
_____ lectures
_____ discussions with others
9. Which is most important in a friendship?
_____ honesty
_____ generosity
_____ loyalty
10. How would you most like to spend a Saturday?
_____ alone on an activity you are passionate about
_____ with people you love, doing something you don’t care about
_____ with acquaintances doing something novel and fun
11. Which do you respect most in others?
_____ intelligence
_____ kindness
_____ humor
12. If there were no negative effects, which of the following would you most want to give up?
_____ eating
_____ sleeping
_____ exercising
13. Which of the following would you least like?
_____ being confined to a single room for the rest of your life
_____ never being allowed indoors for the rest of your life
_____ going anywhere you choose but only allowed to visit loved ones for six months a year
Step 2: “What unwanted thoughts, feelings, memories, and bodily sensations am I experiencing?” (Get in Touch with Your Discomfort)
Now that you checked in with your motivations for dissenting, challenge yourself to register the unpleasant or negative emotions experienced. Make yourself aware of why you will benefit from mental fortitude. If you’re Martha Goddard receiving angry messages from feminists upset about your affiliation with Hugh Hefner, you’re probably feeling a gamut of emotions: shock, worry, fear, guilt, frustration, indignation, doubt, hopelessness, disappointment. Your mind might trail off into a whirlwind of self-defeating thoughts about yourself, your personality, the quality of your relationships with others, your future prospects, and so on. Physically, you might feel the signs and symptoms of distress—dry mouth, racing heart, shortness of breath, sweaty palms. As painful as all of this might be, chart the dimensions of your experience as fully as you can. As many discover, doing so can feel oddly liberating. The mental torture you’ve inflicted on yourself will come out in the open. When it does, your torture techniques lose some of their potency. Conversely, when we don’t acknowledge the distress that arises from challenging conventional thinking, we become weaker and less effective.
The more specific you can be in describing your experience of adversity, the better. As my research has shown, it’s difficult to identify and label the myriad of emotions experienced on a regular basis, but skillfulness at “emotion labeling” can prove extremely helpful. In one study, my colleagues and I asked participants to report intense negative experiences they had in daily life on a handheld computer. Those adept at labeling the specific emotions they felt consumed 40 percent less alcohol during a stress-induced drinking episode than participants who weren’t. In other studies, we found that people who had been emotionally hurt by others and who were better at distinguishing their negative feelings were 20 percent (in one study) and 50 percent (in a second study) less likely to retaliate with verbal or physical aggression. In yet another study, people adept at describing their feelings over the course of two weeks were better able to handle experiences of rejection. They showed similar levels of brain region activation in areas linked to psychic and physical pain (the insula and anterior cingulate cortex) regardless of whether a stranger welcomed or rejected them in a video game. When you label your emotions effectively, you feel calmer in the face of stressful life events, and unwanted distressing mental content seems less bothersome. You become more capable of deciding what to do next.
As research suggests, training people to label their emotions more effectively increases resilience. In one study, researchers trained spider-fearing individuals to precisely label emotions they felt when observing a spider (e.g., “in front of me is an ugly spider and it is disgusting, nerve-wracking, and yet, intriguing”). Participants trained to precisely label emotions spent more time physically handling spiders and felt less flustered during the experience than others trained to distract themselves or generate positive thoughts. A week later, trained to describe their feelings proficiently, these participants could approach a stressful situation irrespective of the amount of disgust or fear they felt.
For rebels, emotion labeling has a number of specific benefits. First, labeled emotions become easier to manage. Felt emotions become manageable or harnessed into goal-directed energy. For instance, anger might make you speak with more volume, inflection, and confidence during a legal proceeding. For anxious people, labeling emotions makes events less scary. Second, the act of using words to describe what you feel conveys information about the situation and possible courses of action. Third, by improving the management of intense, distressing emotions, you become less likely to dedicate energy toward controlling emotions. Instead, you channel energy toward more meaningful life pursuits. My research team found that combat veterans who organize their lives around trying to manage their emotions experience less joy and meaning. Further, they contribute less effort toward and make less progress toward their most important goals. As you worry less about feeling worried, you have extra energy to dedicate to specific tasks related to your principled insubordination.
After conducting an inventory of the mental and physical toll of rebelling, do nothing more than describe your feelings. What words can you attach to them? Be precise as you can and repeat this practice whenever you encounter setbacks large or small. Refer to the list of emotions below. If you aren’t clear on the precise meaning of some of these terms, look them up in a dictionary. The ability to label your emotions isn’t an inborn talent. You can learn and master it. As you do, your ability to stay strong, focused, and effective will increase.
Notice how many words exist for describing the gradients of particular emotions such as anger (in bold), fear (underlined), and sadness (in italics). Expand your emotion vocabulary. Use greater precision in detailing the type of emotions you feel and their intensity.
A
Abandoned
Afraid
Aggravated
Agitated
