“Who are they?” said the newcomer.
“Sh!” said St. Peter, “Don’t let them hear you. They’re the Primitive Methodists, and if they knew anyone else was in the place, they’d leave Heaven at once.”
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The Two Chaps who went to Heaven
Printed by Edward M. Wilson, in “Some Humorous English Folk Tales, Part One,” Folk-Lore, XLIX (1938), 190–91, No. 10, as told by Richard Harrison in September, 1937, who had heard the tale locally in Westmorland.
This is Type 1848, A Pebble for each Sin (Motif J2466.1), reported in only one or two instances from Ireland, England, France, Germany, and Belgium. Cf. R. M. Dorson, Buying the Wind, pp. 80–81, “The Beans in the Quart Jar” (Maine). A related subtype is 1738C, “Chalk Marks on Heaven’s Stairs,” cited only from Finland. In the present text the gates of Heaven have taken the place of the earthly confessional.
WELL, THERE WAS two chaps were going to Heaven; one was called Jack and the other one Joe. Jack started off up the ladder first, and Joe said he would wait at the bottom and see what happened; he hadn’t the guts in him like Jack had. When Jack was nearing the top, he met St. Peter, and St. Peter asked him where he was going to, and how he directed (? he’d erected) the ladder to get as far.
Jack told him he was going on an expedition to Heaven, and his mate Joe was waiting at the bottom to see what happened, and if he didn’t come back within two days, he would set off back home. St. Peter said, “I must have all your sins down on this slate before you can go any further.”
It wasn’t very long before Jack was trooping down again, and when he got to the bottom, Joe said to him, “What the hangment hesta co’e back for?” Jack said, “I’ve co’e back for a laid o’ chalk; we’ve run out up yonder.”
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The Three Premiers who went to Heaven
Printed by Edward M. Wilson, in “Some Humorous English Folk Tales, Part I,” Folk-Lore, XLIX (1938), 191, No. 11, as told in December, 1937, by Richard Harrison of Crosthwaite, who heard it from a joiner in the neighboring parish. A variant of the preceding tale.
“Yam” means home.
THERE WAS THREE premiers, an Englishman, a Scotchman, and a Welshman were going to Heaven. Well, they started off, and when they got to the gates, they saw the doorkeeper standing. They took no notice of him for the minute, and he grabbed hold of the Englishman, and asked him where they were all going to. So they said, “Oh, we are going to Heaven.”
So he said, “Well, I’ll have to have your sins written down first, and for so many sins you’ll have to canter once round the garden.” And the garden was about fifty acres.
So the Englishman looked a bit surprised, the Welshman nearly fell, but the Scotty didn’t much mind. When he’d weighed up all their sins, he said to the Englishman, “You have to run once round, so get along, and don’t delay about it.”
When he came puffing back, he told him to stand on the other side of the gates, and he told the Scotchman to run round five times.
When he landed back again, the doorkeeper said, “Where’s t’ Welshman at?” The chap standing by said, “Oh, he’s just popped yam for his bicycle.”
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The Parsons’ Meeting
Printed by Edward M. Wilson, “Some Humorous English Folk Tales, Part III,” Folk-Lore, LIV (1943), 259–60, No. 29. He collected the jest from Mrs. Joseph Haddow of Haycote Farm, near Bowland Bridge in Westmorland in September, 1940.
This is an element of Type 1738, The Dream: All Parsons in Hell (Motif X438) which, in the form of a recounted dream, is reported in northern and eastern Europe, and in French-Canadian and Negro traditions in North America. Baughman classifies the present text under MotifX459(d).
IT WAS, LIKE, a parsons’ meeting, and they were all sitting round t’fire, waiting of this one to come in. And when he arrived, he just looked round ’em all an’ smiled. And t’main parson (what do you call him?) t’bishop, he just stood up an’ asked him where he’d been.
“Wha!” he says, “I’ve been to Hell.”
“And what was it like there?”
“Why, it was summat similar til it is here.”
“And what’s that?”
“Why, ye couldn’t git round t’fire fer parsons.”
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The Churchyard
Printed by Edward M. Wilson in “Some Humorous English Folk-Tales, Part III,” Folk-Lore, LIV (1943), 260, No. 30. He collected it in September, 1940, from James Raven, a farm servant at Cawmire Hall, Crosthwaite, in Westmorland.
This is a fragmentary text of Type 1791, The Sexton Carries the Parson, and Motif X424, “The devil in the cemetery.” An immensely popular tale (207 variants in Ireland, 131 in Finland). Baughman lists 4 references for England and over 30 for the United States. S. O. Addy in a Derbyshire version (Household Tales, pp. 4–5) cites a 1480 Latin text.
THERE WAS TWO chaps coming home fra’ work ya neet, an’ one had left the other and he’d getten practically home, and he’d getten to t’churchyard. And he heard some voices over there saying, “Yan fer me, yan fer thee; yan fer me, yan fer thee.” An’ he got a bit frightened like, and he thowt it was t’divvil dishing t’dead out. So, when he plucked up courage, he went and had a look, and he found it was two lads that had robbed a orchard, dishing fruit out.
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The Parson and the Parrot
Printed by Edward M. Wilson in “Some Humorous English Folk Tales, Part II,” Folk-Lore, XLIX (1938), 284, No. 24, as told him in August, 1937, by Richard Harrison in Westmorland. Wilson remembered hearing the tale as a schoolboy in Kendal during World War I.
This is a variant of Type 1833A, What Says David? (Motif X435.1), in which a member of the congregation replies literally to the minister’s question. Scattered instances are reported in northern Europe. Baughman gives ten United States and four other English variants (three from the Shakespeare jestbooks). The popularity of talking-parrot comic stories is the subject of an M.A. thesis by Neil Rosenberg, “An Annotated Collection of Parrot Jokes” (Indiana University, June, 1964).
THERE WAS A captain who had a parrot, and he was going out on a voyage, and he always took his parrot wherever he went. When they’d got out to sea the ship struck an iceberg. All the lifeboats had to be launched, and when everyone had got into them the captain grabbed his parrot and put it into a bag, and when the boat got to sailing, they came across another liner, and half of them got into the boat, the captain and his parrot being among them. When they were nearing land the captain let his parrot out of the bag and it flew away into the town. It happened to be Sunday morning, so it made its way into the church, and got behind the vestry curtain. When the vicar got into the pulpit the parrot flew out and settled right under his nose. And he told the people to take no notice of it and he carried on with his sermon. Then he said, “Now, my friends, what shall we do to be saved?”
And the parrot said, “Pump, ye beggars, pump.”
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