So he went til his wife and said, āHey! Libby! thee slip down to ald mother Sowerbyās anā ex her fer tābrass pan. Tell her weāre gaan te jam.ā
āNae damn fear!ā she says, āIās nut gaan if jamminā nivver gits done! ā
Anā he says, āYe stupid ald beggar, ye. What thee anā tālad? It looks damn like I shall hev ta ga mysel.ā So he started off for it after theyād milked ya neet.
Efter aw tājamminā had gitten done, it was time for tā pan te ga back again. But tāquestion was wha was gaan te tak it back? So they held a conference ya neet, anā it was gaan te faā on tāald farmer te tek it back hisselā again. So he says tul āem aw ya neet, āAhāll tell ye what ahāll dew; which yan oā us speaks after now this verra minute, hes tāpan te tek back,ā he says, āIās damn sure itāll nut be me.ā Then the silence began.
The family went to bed, nobody saying owt. Next morninā they aw gat upāstill tā tongues was quiet. Aw went like that till drinking time. Then there was a girt rattle on tādooer. Neeabody answered it. So this here chap walked ināhe was a girt big roadsterāa bad lookinā sort of a chap he wasāhe says, āGood mornināāgrand morninā.ā Still silence, so he collared a girt lump oā pasty and hed a pint oā tea. Aw was still silent, so he crammed his belly as full as he could git it. He had a peep in one oā tā drawers, spotā a ten bob note, and pocketā it. Still silence among the others. So he walks up to tāald woman. āBy gum,ā he says, āyeāre a smart lookinā woman. Dāye mind if I giāe ye a kiss?ā Still silence, so he gev her yan.
Then he walks up to tādowter, he says, āBy gum! thouās as good a lookinā as thi mother. Dosta mind if I giāe ye yan?ā He was a little bit capped that nothinā was said after all heād done. So he gave her a kiss.
Then he turned to tāald lad, āNa, come on. Itās thy turn now!ā
Tāald farmer said, āNay, damn it. Iāll tak tāpan back.ā
75
The Contrary Wife
Printed by Edward M. Wilson in āSome Humorous English Folk Tales, Part I,ā Folk-Lore, XLIX (1938), 183ā84, No. 2, as told in 1936 by Mrs. Joseph Haddow, who heard the story from a neighboring farmer, who heard it from an old woman in Ambleside, in Westmorland.
Type 1365A, Wife Falls into a Stream and Motif T255.2, āThe obstinate wife sought for upstreamā are most heavily reported in Finland and Sweden. They are attached to the Balkan character Hodja Nasreddin; see Henry D. Barnham, trans. (from the Turkish), The Khoja: Tales of Nasr-ed-Din (New York, 1924), p. 191, āThe Khojaās Mother-in-Law Drowned.ā Baughman lists two English and two North American examples.
āYamā means home; āleeatā is late; ātullā is to; āseeafā is safe; āhafeā is half; ābeckā is stream.
THIS FARMER WAS brought up for murder of his wife. Well, after tājudge had been talking all afternoon to him tāfarmer said, āItās about time ah was ga-en yam to feed. But before ah go yeāll like to kna how it ah happened.ā
And tā judge said, āThatās what weāve been asking you all afternoon.ā
āWell,ā tāfarmer said, āit was this way. My wife was one of them contrairy soort. Anā gittinā up late one Sunday morninā ah said, āWeāll nut ga to tāchurch this morninā; itās gitten a bit leeat.āā
āAnd she said, āYes, we will. Git thysel finished and weāll gang.āā
āSo when we set off ah said, āShall we ga tānearest way?āā
āAnd she said, āNo, weāll ga this tāother way.āā
āSo ga-en the way as she wanted us tull, we āad to ga across a wooden brig, anā ah says tull āer, āAhāll ga tāfirst anā see if itās seeaf.āā
āShe said, āNay, ye waināt; Iās gaen tāfirst.āā
āAnd when she got hafe-way across, tābrig gaāe way, anā she went in. And me thinking she would be still contrairy, ah ran as āard as ah could up tābeck. Anā she was that jolly contrairy she went tāudder way. And so when ah got er oot, she was deead. Sheās been contrairy aw er life,ā he said.
76
Knife or Scissors
Printed by Edward M. Wilson in āSome Humorous English Folk Tales, Part III,ā Folk-Lore, LIV (1943), 259, No. 27, as taken down in January, 1938, from Mrs. J. E. Bland, a native of Hull, now resident at Endmoor in Westmorland. She heard the story in Hull as a little girl.
Type 1365B, Cutting with the Knife or the Scissors (Motif T255.1, āThe obstinate wife: cutting with the knife or scissorsā) is reported in forty-four examples from Sweden, with scattered instances throughout Europe. Baughman gives references from six American states, as well as from Alberta, Canada, and from Westmorland (the present text), and Norfolk in England. A recent text from Maine is in Dorson, Buying the Wind, p. 84.
THERE WAS A man and his wife having an argument about something that had been cut. The man said it had been done with a knife, and the wife said, No, it had been done with scissors. And they kept on arguing till they got so angry with each other that he pushed her into the pond. And he kept on shouting āKnivesā from the bank, and she kept shouting āScissorsā from the water, as long as she could shout; each was determined to have the last word. And at last he called āKnivesā and he was quite pleased with himself because he thought heād won; she didnāt call back.
But much to his disgustāhe thought heād have a last look at herāand as she was sinking she was there [here my informant paused and made a cross with her two forefingers] with her fingers crossed.
77
The Farmer and His Wife and the Mirror
Printed by Edward M. Wilson in āSome Humorous English Folk Tales, Part III,ā Folk-Lore, XLIX (1938), 277ā78, No. 14, as heard from Richard Harrison in March 1936, who heard the tale from a native of Cartmel Fell, in Westmorland.
Type 1336A, Man does not Recognize his own Reflection in the Water (Mirror), and Motif J1795.2*, āMan finds mirror, thinks it is a picture of his grandfatherā (Baughman) are irregularly distributed in eastern Europe, Asia, Hawaii, and the United States in scattered examples. Baughman cites a New Mexico and a Missouri text. A recent Maine text is given by Dorson, Buying the Wind, pp. 81ā82. In its complete formāa third person looks into the mirrorāit is commonest in Japan, with fifteen variants reported. One of the best is āThe Nun as Judge,ā in Keigo Seki, Folktales of Japan (a companion volume in this series), No. 55, pp. 188ā89, where a nun arbitrates between husband and wife. Interestingly, the story was printed in Arthur Meeās The Childrenās Encyclopedia, 8 vols. (London, 1908ā10), as a Japanese tale.
ONCE THERE WAS a farmer who had a lot of land, and he looked well after his land, and kept everything in the best order he could. And one Sunday thereād been a lot of picnickers in one field and theyād left a terrible lot of litter. So the next morning after heād finished his work, he would go and pick it up. And he searched about amongst it and he found a looking glass, and he said: āEe! My! Thatās just like mi grandfather and mi girt-grandfather,ā he said, āI wonder where theyāve gitten that photograph at.ā He said, āIām takinā that yam, and Iāll treasure it anā aw.ā
And when he got home he started off upstairs to put it in a drawer. And his wife wondered what on earth heād gone upstairs for so early in the day. So she thought sheād watch him and see what he was doing. She saw him put something into the drawer, so she thought when heād come down sheād go up and have a look.
So after her husband came down she went upstairs and very quietly opened the drawer. And she picked out this looking glass, which she thought was a photograph. She held it up and said, āThatās the bloominā old geyser heās been knocking about wiā, is it?ā
78
The Three Obedient Husbands
Printed by Edward M. Wilson, āSome Humorous English Folk Tales, Part II,ā Folk-Lore, XLIV (1938), 282ā83, No. 21, as told to him in April, 1937, by Richard Harrison of Crosthwaite, then 17, who heard the tale from a fisherman on Walney Island, in Lancashire.
This tale is given Motif N13, āHusbands wager that they will be able to do what wives tell them,ā but so far it is unique.
āTa-mornā is tomorrow; āplay pop-weaselā and āplay shellā mean to grow angry and scold; ālileā is little.