So he went til his wife and said, “Hey! Libby! thee slip down to ald mother Sowerby’s an’ ex her fer t’brass pan. Tell her we’re gaan te jam.”
“Nae damn fear!” she says, “I’s nut gaan if jammin’ nivver gits done! “
An’ he says, “Ye stupid ald beggar, ye. What thee an’ t’lad? It looks damn like I shall hev ta ga mysel.” So he started off for it after they’d milked ya neet.
Efter aw t’jammin’ had gitten done, it was time for t’ pan te ga back again. But t’question was wha was gaan te tak it back? So they held a conference ya neet, an’ it was gaan te fa’ on t’ald farmer te tek it back hissel’ again. So he says tul ’em aw ya neet, “Ah’ll tell ye what ah’ll dew; which yan o’ us speaks after now this verra minute, hes t’pan te tek back,” he says, “I’s damn sure it’ll nut be me.” Then the silence began.
The family went to bed, nobody saying owt. Next mornin’ they aw gat up—still t’ tongues was quiet. Aw went like that till drinking time. Then there was a girt rattle on t’dooer. Neeabody answered it. So this here chap walked in—he was a girt big roadster—a bad lookin’ sort of a chap he was—he says, “Good mornin’—grand mornin’.” Still silence, so he collared a girt lump o’ pasty and hed a pint o’ tea. Aw was still silent, so he crammed his belly as full as he could git it. He had a peep in one o’ t’ drawers, spot’ a ten bob note, and pocket’ it. Still silence among the others. So he walks up to t’ald woman. “By gum,” he says, “ye’re a smart lookin’ woman. D’ye mind if I gi’e ye a kiss?” Still silence, so he gev her yan.
Then he walks up to t’dowter, he says, “By gum! thou’s as good a lookin’ as thi mother. Dosta mind if I gi’e ye yan?” He was a little bit capped that nothin’ was said after all he’d done. So he gave her a kiss.
Then he turned to t’ald lad, “Na, come on. It’s thy turn now!”
T’ald farmer said, “Nay, damn it. I’ll tak t’pan back.”
75
The Contrary Wife
Printed by Edward M. Wilson in “Some Humorous English Folk Tales, Part I,” Folk-Lore, XLIX (1938), 183–84, No. 2, as told in 1936 by Mrs. Joseph Haddow, who heard the story from a neighboring farmer, who heard it from an old woman in Ambleside, in Westmorland.
Type 1365A, Wife Falls into a Stream and Motif T255.2, “The obstinate wife sought for upstream” are most heavily reported in Finland and Sweden. They are attached to the Balkan character Hodja Nasreddin; see Henry D. Barnham, trans. (from the Turkish), The Khoja: Tales of Nasr-ed-Din (New York, 1924), p. 191, “The Khoja’s Mother-in-Law Drowned.” Baughman lists two English and two North American examples.
“Yam” means home; “leeat” is late; “tull” is to; “seeaf” is safe; “hafe” is half; “beck” is stream.
THIS FARMER WAS brought up for murder of his wife. Well, after t’judge had been talking all afternoon to him t’farmer said, “It’s about time ah was ga-en yam to feed. But before ah go ye’ll like to kna how it ah happened.”
And t’ judge said, “That’s what we’ve been asking you all afternoon.”
“Well,” t’farmer said, “it was this way. My wife was one of them contrairy soort. An’ gittin’ up late one Sunday mornin’ ah said, ‘We’ll nut ga to t’church this mornin’; it’s gitten a bit leeat.’”
“And she said, ‘Yes, we will. Git thysel finished and we’ll gang.’”
“So when we set off ah said, ‘Shall we ga t’nearest way?’”
“And she said, ‘No, we’ll ga this t’other way.’”
“So ga-en the way as she wanted us tull, we ’ad to ga across a wooden brig, an’ ah says tull ’er, ‘Ah’ll ga t’first an’ see if it’s seeaf.’”
“She said, ‘Nay, ye wain’t; I’s gaen t’first.’”
“And when she got hafe-way across, t’brig ga’e way, an’ she went in. And me thinking she would be still contrairy, ah ran as ’ard as ah could up t’beck. An’ she was that jolly contrairy she went t’udder way. And so when ah got er oot, she was deead. She’s been contrairy aw er life,” he said.
76
Knife or Scissors
Printed by Edward M. Wilson in “Some Humorous English Folk Tales, Part III,” Folk-Lore, LIV (1943), 259, No. 27, as taken down in January, 1938, from Mrs. J. E. Bland, a native of Hull, now resident at Endmoor in Westmorland. She heard the story in Hull as a little girl.
Type 1365B, Cutting with the Knife or the Scissors (Motif T255.1, “The obstinate wife: cutting with the knife or scissors”) is reported in forty-four examples from Sweden, with scattered instances throughout Europe. Baughman gives references from six American states, as well as from Alberta, Canada, and from Westmorland (the present text), and Norfolk in England. A recent text from Maine is in Dorson, Buying the Wind, p. 84.
THERE WAS A man and his wife having an argument about something that had been cut. The man said it had been done with a knife, and the wife said, No, it had been done with scissors. And they kept on arguing till they got so angry with each other that he pushed her into the pond. And he kept on shouting “Knives” from the bank, and she kept shouting “Scissors” from the water, as long as she could shout; each was determined to have the last word. And at last he called “Knives” and he was quite pleased with himself because he thought he’d won; she didn’t call back.
But much to his disgust—he thought he’d have a last look at her—and as she was sinking she was there [here my informant paused and made a cross with her two forefingers] with her fingers crossed.
77
The Farmer and His Wife and the Mirror
Printed by Edward M. Wilson in “Some Humorous English Folk Tales, Part III,” Folk-Lore, XLIX (1938), 277–78, No. 14, as heard from Richard Harrison in March 1936, who heard the tale from a native of Cartmel Fell, in Westmorland.
Type 1336A, Man does not Recognize his own Reflection in the Water (Mirror), and Motif J1795.2*, “Man finds mirror, thinks it is a picture of his grandfather” (Baughman) are irregularly distributed in eastern Europe, Asia, Hawaii, and the United States in scattered examples. Baughman cites a New Mexico and a Missouri text. A recent Maine text is given by Dorson, Buying the Wind, pp. 81–82. In its complete form—a third person looks into the mirror—it is commonest in Japan, with fifteen variants reported. One of the best is “The Nun as Judge,” in Keigo Seki, Folktales of Japan (a companion volume in this series), No. 55, pp. 188–89, where a nun arbitrates between husband and wife. Interestingly, the story was printed in Arthur Mee’s The Children’s Encyclopedia, 8 vols. (London, 1908–10), as a Japanese tale.
ONCE THERE WAS a farmer who had a lot of land, and he looked well after his land, and kept everything in the best order he could. And one Sunday there’d been a lot of picnickers in one field and they’d left a terrible lot of litter. So the next morning after he’d finished his work, he would go and pick it up. And he searched about amongst it and he found a looking glass, and he said: “Ee! My! That’s just like mi grandfather and mi girt-grandfather,” he said, “I wonder where they’ve gitten that photograph at.” He said, “I’m takin’ that yam, and I’ll treasure it an’ aw.”
And when he got home he started off upstairs to put it in a drawer. And his wife wondered what on earth he’d gone upstairs for so early in the day. So she thought she’d watch him and see what he was doing. She saw him put something into the drawer, so she thought when he’d come down she’d go up and have a look.
So after her husband came down she went upstairs and very quietly opened the drawer. And she picked out this looking glass, which she thought was a photograph. She held it up and said, “That’s the bloomin’ old geyser he’s been knocking about wi’, is it?”
78
The Three Obedient Husbands
Printed by Edward M. Wilson, “Some Humorous English Folk Tales, Part II,” Folk-Lore, XLIV (1938), 282–83, No. 21, as told to him in April, 1937, by Richard Harrison of Crosthwaite, then 17, who heard the tale from a fisherman on Walney Island, in Lancashire.
This tale is given Motif N13, “Husbands wager that they will be able to do what wives tell them,” but so far it is unique.
“Ta-morn” is tomorrow; “play pop-weasel” and “play shell” mean to grow angry and scold; “lile” is little.
