I could see Jason standing silent, watching to see what I was going to do and looking on like a child that started a fire that was out of control.
Everything happened so fast after he pulled that trigger. I locked eyes with him while I was falling as if I wanted to ask him why. Why would you do this to me? Was it really that serious to take my life from me?
I hit the ground hard and Jason walked up to me, put his hands on his knees, and bent down. He kissed me on the forehead and stared at me for a few more seconds. He shook his head, sucked his teeth, and prepared to get out of there before anyone came.
He calmly walked over to my blinds and looked outside, I guessed to see if anyone was out there who might have heard the shot. Jason hurried and wiped off the gun and laid it beside my body. He wiped down everything he had touched as I lay there helpless, dying. Then he looked at me and started walking in my direction. My heart was pumping fast and my eyes screamed out, stop . . . I thought he was going to shoot me again. I closed my eyes and waited....
“I love you, girl; sorry I had to do this to you,” he whispered in my ear, then kissed me on the cheek. “Oh yeah, and Jesus ain’t comin’ for you.”
I lay there and watched him put on his coat, and head toward the kitchen. My heart was racing and I even thought I could hear it beating. I heard a loud noise come from the kitchen; then I realized it was the back door shutting and that’s when I knew he was gone. I remembered taking in one last breath before everything went black, and I was gone too. . . .
Chapter 28
The View From the Living Room Floor
My eyes shot open as if I’d been lying on the floor taking a nap and had awoken with a second wind. I couldn’t move or reach for my cell but could feel it vibrating in my pocket as I lay there in a pool of my own blood. I knew it was Kev calling, telling me he was on his way, but there was nothing I could do. I felt paralyzed.
I thought, I don’t want my sons to see me die like this. Please, Jesus, don’t allow them to see me like this. I felt the blood running down the side of my face. Jesus! I screamed in my head. Help me, Lord! Please!
All I could do was lay there and cry out. My body was motionless. By now Jason was long gone I was sure, with a plan not to ever be caught or step foot in Ohio again.
However, I wasn’t worried about him; I was worried about Kev and my sons, hoping they would make it safely out of Ohio without any problem. I knew Kev would know to get as far away from there as possible. He couldn’t think about me; he had to think about the boys and himself now.
I waited in the midst of death and listened to my heartbeat slow down minute by minute. As I lay there I could see the portrait that me and my sons had taken for Christmas hanging on the wall. I smiled in my heart and made that my reason to hold on to life.
I love them, Jesus, please don’t let me die.
Michael, my son, his brown eyes seemed to gaze in my eyes through the portrait. I wondered why I waited so late to realize how much they needed me, and beat myself up thinking how much I had let them down. I knew the choices that I had made got this outcome of what had taken place. I regretted every choice now and realized that what should have been important were the boys all along.
I stared at the portrait a few more minutes, blinking in between the stare and trying to force my eyes to stay open and focus on my boys. I tried to turn my head away from them for a moment because of the guilt I was feeling, but it was hopeless. I couldn’t move. It was as if God held my head and forced me to see them.
So instead of looking at them I closed my eyes for a second; then I thought about the love I had for them and them for me, and I opened them back up and continued loving on my boys through the portrait, using them as strength to hold on. While I lay there in a pool forming of my own blood, I had to face the truth; I had put my own selfish needs over my sons.
When the truth hit me in my heart, oh how I ached. My God what a horrible feeling it was to learn something you can never do over again because its too late. What a horrible thing it was to be faced with death because I was a hurt, bitter, and a betrayed woman trying to get even with everybody who ever hurt me. What a price my babies would have to pay for my ignorance.
If I could do this all over again, I would do it different. But it was too late for that. I was in this and now realized that while I partied from state to state, sold drugs, used drugs, shopped, used and outsmarted men, I was the one being tricked all along. The devil had set me up, for my own life.
My eyes kept opening and closing as I became weaker and weaker and tried to hold on to life, but was so weak I knew I had to let go. My body fluids released out of me and my body started to convulse. There was nothing I could do. The situation was out of my control, and death was coming for me soon.
I felt myself stop shaking and then I drifted off.
Jesus, Jesus! I screamed out in my mind. Please don’t turn away from me! Please don’t turn your face away from me. I felt alone. I was breathing fast and loud, panting. God, please! Please!
I knew He was listening because I knew He loved me. I was just remembering, then realized my current situation. I could still feel my cell vibrating periodically but I couldn’t do anything about it. I thought, if only I could reach it and tell Kev what’s goin’ on.
I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the portrait. It kept me hoping. I prayed someone would find me before it was too late. Maybe somebody did hear the shot? I wasn’t sure; maybe they called the police and they were on their way to help me.
I cried while looking at the portrait. My boys were so happy and loved me more than anything and I knew it. The same way I’d loved Momma. I had watched Momma die like this. I couldn’t share Momma’s fate. I just couldn’t. I begged.
As much of a fighter I was by nature, I felt I was in a hopeless situation. I knew Jason aimed the shot at my head, and even though I moved and it hit closer to my ear and neck, I understood that everyone I ever knew who was shot at point-blank range in the head died. I knew the odds were against me. I knew I was going to die.
My body was shivering and I could feel coldness and an eerie feeling running through my bones. I tried to sniff in some of the mucus that was coming out of my mouth and nose, but it didn’t work. I tried to focus on the portrait until someone came for me. I stared at it for a few more minutes and began to dose off once again.
This time I couldn’t open my eyes back up. This time there was nothing I could do but fall into what felt like a deep, permanent sleep.
Chapter 29
Heaven or Hell?
“Lord? Am I dreaming?” I felt a peace that I could not explain. “Lord?” When I opened my eyes I was in another place. I looked around the grand room and realized I was in someone’s mansion. As I walked I thought that it seemed to be like a palace; something from a fairytale.
I began to walk around this extraordinary place with elegant pictures, drapes, and flooring unlike I had ever seen before in my whole life. I smiled and turned around in circles, amazed at the extremely high ceilings and the beautiful pillars and floors.
“Hello,” I called out. I could hear an echo of my own voice. “Hello, where am I?” Then I continued to walk from one beautiful room to the next into this brilliant, warm light that seemed to create a warming sensation in my skin and bones.
I touched my arms and hands in awe of the tingling feelings I felt within. It felt as if I was glowing. A radiant light beamed on my face and neck. While I tiptoed across the golden floors I wondered where I was. I stopped for a moment and turned around to where I heard singing far off. It was beautiful music with awesome voices. I closed my eyes and imagined the beautiful and angelic faces of those who were singing what sounded like praises unto the Lord.
It dawned on me; I knew who I was looking for. I was looking for Jesus.
“Jesus?” I whispered. “Where are you?”
I grinned. I felt so good, like a little child looking for the one person in the world they loved the most!
I looked down at my feet and noticed I was barefoot; then I looked at the gown I was wearing. It was all white with gold and white lace woven down the front of it. I put my arm to my nose and smelled the most awesome fragrance coming from my body and wondered who cleaned me up, gave me this gown, and brought me to this beautiful place.
As I continued to walk the scene changed. I was now outdoors in a valley of green grass. I’d never seen grass this green before. And in the grass were all kind of flowers. Some flowers I’d seen before but others I had never seen. There was an aroma that was so overwhelming with the smell of the flowers. I went over to one of the flowers and closed my eyes and sniffed in. How delightful, I thought.
I came across a stream full of blue water and I bent down and cupped some of it in my hands. It was warm and smelled sweet. Just when I was about to drink the water I looked over to the right of the stream and saw a waterfall of water falling out of the sky. It amazed me; my eyes were lit up and I exhaled aloud.
