I notice myself shutting down, checking out, or disconnecting entirely. I feel numb or empty. My mind often feels blank, and I struggle to connect with my thoughts or feelings or verbalize them to others.
BODY:
_______ I feel generally detached or apathetic and may even feel depressed, hopeless, despairing, or unmotivated.
_______ My heartbeat is slowed or imperceptible.
_______ My body may be cold or numb and is generally shrunken, and my head may hang low.
_______ I’m breathing from a constricted chest and may even be holding my breath or feel an overall stiffness in my midsection.
_______ My muscles are generally weak and feel fatigued or heavy.
_______ I feel physically exhausted, energetically depleted, or mostly numb and unable to feel any emotions or physical sensations at all.
_______ I may be silent or my speech is flat, monotone, or forced (I’m nodding or giving one-word responses).
_______ My eyes have a blank or far-off stare.
MIND:
_______ I feel spaced out and may feel unsure of what is real versus imagined.
_______ My mind feels blank, and I may have difficulty concentrating on tasks or thinking clearly and critically.
PLEASER MODE (FAWN RESPONSE)
I’m fixated on the physical or emotional states of others and may even take full responsibility for anticipating their needs, feelings, or actions. I regularly notice myself overexplaining or defending my thoughts, feelings, or choices to others.
BODY:
_______ I’m disconnected from my body and often have difficulty noticing how I feel.
_______ My attention is hyperfocused on others or the environment around me.
_______ My breathing may mirror that of people with whom I’m spending time.
_______ My energy may reflect the energy of others around me or my environment.
_______ My eyes are constantly scanning someone or something in my external environment.
MIND:
_______ My attention is always on the lookout for the next possible issue (“waiting for the other shoe to drop”).
_______ I’m distracted by thoughts or worries about others being mad or upset with me or concerns about external circumstances in general.
Your Regulated Nervous System Checklist
CONNECTOR MODE (SAFE AND SOCIAL RESPONSE)
I notice myself feeling calm, safe, and open to engaging or connecting with someone or something around me. I’m curious and able to see things from a different perspective, hold space for complexity and contradiction, and remain grounded and responsive to whatever arises.
BODY:
_______ I feel physically awake, relaxed, and alert.
_______ My body posture is open, relaxed, and at ease, with my arms hanging loosely alongside my body.
_______ I’m breathing slowly and deeply from my belly.
_______ My heart is beating calmly.
_______ I feel peaceful and relaxed in my body.
_______ I am able to make eye contact with those around me.
MIND:
_______ I can think clearly and plan for the future.
_______ I am open to and curious about others and the world around me.
_______ I am in a flow with my interests or passions and able to access my unique creativity.
When our nervous system is activated, we often act like a trapped animal. Because we feel threatened, we’ll do anything to preserve our survival without concern for others. Recognizing this tendency and accepting it as innate human behavior can help us release the shame we may feel about our actions or words when we’re in a stress response. By becoming aware of the signs of nervous system dysregulation so that we can identify when we’re dysregulated, we can begin to understand why we may do or say things in our relationships that create or exacerbate interpersonal stress.
When we learn to recognize when we’re reacting in a stressed state, we can make a conscious choice to act or respond differently. We can decide to take a step away or a timeout, excusing ourselves from a situation or not interacting until we feel both calm and are both able and willing to be open to connect socially again. Ming, the parent of a toddler, recently commented in our private membership portal that she noticed how much calmer she felt when navigating her dysregulated child’s temper tantrum after she paused to take a few seconds to ground herself first. Whereas she used to “feel like a bad mom” for focusing on herself before she did her child, she was relieved to hear that her instinct was backed by science.
Like Ming, we can all begin to use some of the mind-body practices we’ll continue to discuss throughout this book to bring our body back to safety. These practices will be particularly useful if we can’t remove ourselves from an interaction or are otherwise unable to leave a stressful environment.
Nearly all of us have trauma bond patterns we repeat within our relationships, whether with our friends, family, colleagues, or romantic partners. We re-create the same dynamics with others because we’re neurobiologically driven to do so: our nervous system and subconscious mind are wired to reenact within our relationships today the ways in which we learned to feel safe, valued, or loved as children. Until we regulate our nervous system, we’ll continue to create or reinforce our trauma bonds with others, no matter how much insight or awareness we have. Thankfully, we can all regulate our nervous system, a process that we’ll continue to talk more about in the following chapters.
4
Witnessing Your Conditioned Selves
Mona couldn’t stop staring at her phone. Why isn’t he texting me back? she wondered. It’s been two hours! I must have done something wrong. Maybe he’s with another woman. And the thought behind all the others: I’m just not good enough for him.
Mona had been dating Juan for more than two years, and even the security of what was a relatively long-term relationship didn’t prevent her from panicking every time he didn’t respond quickly (or quickly enough, in her opinion) to her texts or calls or seemed distant, distracted, or disinterested in any way. When he stayed late at work, she suspected that he was having an affair. When he wanted to spend time alone or out with friends, she assumed that he must be unhappy with her. If he was quiet, grumpy, or low energy, she figured that he had finally grown tired of their relationship. Mona was always, it seemed, looking for evidence to indicate whether her relationship was going to work out.
When two hours dragged into three, Mona started to panic. It’s finally happening, she thought. He’s breaking up with me! She sent another text: “What’s going on? Is everything OK?” The more time passed, the more nervous she became. She had a ton of projects to finish that day—she worked from home as a graphic designer—but she couldn’t concentrate. She’d already skipped her afternoon online yoga class, even though she’d paid for it, and rescheduled several work calls because she was too anxious to do anything other than stare at her phone. She wasn’t even listening to her favorite playlist, which she usually found comforting, since she was too concerned about missing the ding of a possible text.
When another hour had passed since her last message, Mona texted Juan again: “Can you please text me back? Or just call me? I’m getting worried.” Her anxiety was now all-consuming. Should she drive to his work and look for his car? She decided to try calling his phone . . . straight to voice mail! He’s blocked me! she thought. She started crying as she dug around in her purse for her car keys. Even though Juan usually left the office by that time, she would drive over anyway, and if she saw his car outside, she’d walk in and confront him about what was going on.
As Mona was getting ready to pull out of the driveway, her cell phone rang. It was Juan; he’d forgotten his phone charger that morning, and his battery had died shortly after her first text. He’d just plugged in his phone and seen all her other messages. “Is everything OK?” he asked.
Mona wanted to squeal with relief, “He’s not leaving me!” At the same time, she wanted to scream in anger, “Why didn’t you charge your phone at work? You could have asked a colleague to borrow a charger! Is it because you didn’t want to text me back?” But she didn’t scream anything and broke down crying instead as Juan tried to make sense of how he’d upset his girlfriend yet again.
