Sofia, my ex-girlfriend from chapter 1, was often in Eruptor mode. She always felt that she was being taken advantage of or that others were out to get her. She was regularly in conflicts, whether it was with a cashier at the grocery store who didn’t notice she was next in line or a friend who took too long to respond to her text. She frequently erupted at others, either by muttering under her breath, giving them dirty looks, or outright yelling or arguing when something didn’t go her way.
Sofia isn’t a bad person, and she’s not to blame for her Eruptor tendencies. She grew up in an emotionally explosive home, where yelling and screaming were daily occurrences. From a young age, her nervous system dealt with her stress and other overwhelming emotions by shifting into fight mode. That dysregulation caused her to instinctually scan for and perceive or find threats, even when none existed, which kept her body in the felt “safety” of her familiar nervous system response. As illogical as it may sound, when she wasn’t in a fight, she felt physically and emotionally unsafe and uncomfortable, likely because it signaled being in a more vulnerable state of openness.
Distractor Mode (Flight Response)
When those in Distractor mode feel threatened or unsafe, they run away from their perceived problems, whether they do so emotionally by pushing people away or physically by allowing themselves to be consumed by their work or other obligations. They may keep themselves busy or throw themselves so intently into their work, family obligations, to-do list, hobbies, or other pursuits that they don’t have the time or space to sit with themselves and feel their feelings. Some people in Distractor mode numb themselves with drugs, sex, alcohol, food, or other substances or activities. In general, they’ll do anything to avoid confrontation, ghosting others or changing the subject if a stressful or uncomfortable conversation arises that could possibly lead to a conflict or issue. I’ve often found myself in Distractor mode, avoiding or distracting myself from my uncomfortable emotions or difficult tasks by procrastinating with unnecessary projects like scrolling a topic on social media, rearranging my bookshelf, or tidying the house.
Aisha spends a lot of her time in Distractor mode. A successful doctor with two kids and a prominent attorney husband, she wakes up at five every morning to jog, volunteers after work by seeing low-income patients for free, and offers to organize every family party, holiday or community event and work celebration that she can. By continually playing Super Doctor, Super Mom, Super Daughter, and Super Host, Aisha never has time to sit with herself; she’s constantly in flight, running away from possible conflicts, confrontations, and other uncomfortable emotions. Remaining continually busy allows her to avoid potentially stressful feelings or moments when she might have to look inward, even if regularly pushes her body past its physical limits.
Aisha isn’t to blame for being in Distractor mode. Though her mother was a loving person, she couldn’t properly attune to her daughter because she was distracted by soothing Aisha’s father, a well-known artist who was often in Eruptor mode. Under the shadow of her well-known father, Aisha grew up in a family that overemphasized achievement and productivity, instilling in her the subconscious belief that she must always do and achieve to be valued and loved. Though her achievements in her job, volunteer work, and fitness feel validating to Aisha on some level, as they do to many of us, her constant striving prevents her from meeting her body’s need to rest and recharge. Wired for flight, her nervous system is comfortable only when she’s fleeing the stressful experience, whether it’s by jogging, staying constantly busy, or otherwise distracting her attention away from her deeper emotional discomfort.
Detacher Mode (Freeze or Shutdown Response)
Those in Detacher mode cope with perceived threats by freezing or shutting down completely. They deal with their feelings by dissociating or separating, climbing into what I call their “spaceship”; their body may be in the moment, but their mind is zooming far away from the present and their current problems or perceived pain. Detachers are different from Distractors; those in Distractor mode often experience racing, hyper-focused or self-analyzing thoughts, while people in Detacher mode usually experience a kind of mental “blankness.” Generally speaking, they stop engaging in any significant way with the thoughts in their mind, the emotions or sensations in their body, or the environment around them. As I experienced, Detacher mode can often progress into or alternate with Distractor mode when stressful events occur for too long or our attempts to self-regulate by numbing or distracting ourselves no longer work.
My mom was often in Detacher mode. She was always physically present, going through the motions of making meals and running our household, but emotionally, she was checked out, unaware herself that she was shut down. She would tune into and out of conversations and frequently orbit around us in her own “spaceship.”
My mom’s habit of living in Detacher mode began, I imagine, during her own childhood. Her mother (my grandmother) was a cold, distant person who, due to her own generational trauma, was unable to express love or other emotions. Keeping herself emotionally walled off from everyone, even her own children, was her only way of keeping herself emotionally safe. Due to similar intergenerational trauma, my mother’s father (my grandfather) believed in the old, harmful adage that children are to be seen, not heard, and would come home many nights after work only to completely ignore his family in favor of reading the daily newspaper. Because my mom grew up with little to no emotional support, she learned to dissociate herself from reality as a way to cope with her stressful and upsetting life experiences. Like her own mother, she disconnected from her emotions to keep herself safe, ultimately disconnecting herself from her own children and passing down the same intergenerational abandonment wound to my siblings and me.
The depth of my abandonment wound became clear to me when I found myself inexplicably becoming incensed with my ex-wife Vivienne’s humming. One day, as I felt my body clench in response to her joyful tune, I recalled memories of Mom always humming and singing to herself, lost in her own world, far away from the rest of us. When Vivienne did it, my neuroception interpreted the cue not as the joyful play it was but as detachment, since that had always been the case in my childhood. It was not Vivienne’s humming that caused my reaction but my own nervous system, which associated the sound with the inherent threat of my mom’s absence.
Pleaser Mode (Fawn Response)
When those in Pleaser mode perceive a possible threat, they anticipate or neutralize it by saying yes, keeping the peace, or doing whatever else they can to defuse or avoid the conflict altogether, usually sacrificing their own needs in the process. Like that of people in Eruptor mode, the nervous system of those in Pleaser mode is hypervigilant, causing them to misread signals of safety as cues of danger. But those in Pleaser mode react by fawning or giving in instead of fighting when they perceive a problem.
My sister, who is fifteen years older than I am, has spent a lot of time in Pleaser mode. Throughout her childhood and teenage years, she constantly monitored her environment and relationships, especially with our mom. She often played the role of caretaker to me and my mom, hovering around us both and always assessing our mom’s health status and overall physical condition. She continually asked us if everything was okay or if we needed care or help in some way. Until she became aware of that pattern, she continued to do so with her son and most others in her life, always available to anyone who needed her, regardless of whether she was physically or emotionally able to meet their needs or not. Unable to create separation or boundaries between her own emotions and those of others, she regularly took responsibility for how others felt and shifted into Pleaser mode in an attempt to soothe the associated discomfort.
My sister likely began to shift into Pleaser mode when she was regularly hospitalized as a child. Worried that her illness was the cause of extreme stress and fear in the home and without any emotional support from our parents during that frightening time, she developed deep-rooted fears of abandonment and became consumed by constant worry. Finding herself dependent on my parents but lacking an emotionally safe and secure relationship with them, she was left with no choice but to manage her internal overwhelm by controlling or monitoring the environment around her, adopting a pattern of hypervigilance that would last into adulthood. For many years, until she began to regulate her nervous system, she continued to unconsciously scan our home for the next possible threat, dropping everything to neutralize it before it caused any more stress.
Like my sister, I often shift into Pleaser mode, worrying about what others think of me or need from me to try to prevent imaginary conflicts or issues. During times of high stress, I’ve said things I didn’t want to say or withheld things I had wanted to say in order to avoid or prevent a possible conflict. I’ve often said yes to plans with friends that I knew I wasn’t interested in or didn’t have the time, energy, or financial resources to commit to. To support my school peers or work colleagues, I used to regularly take on extra work when I was already overcommitted to my own projects. For decades, I hardly ever spoke up or shared my perspective on family decisions, deferring instead to what the majority wanted or felt was needed at the time. When dating, I regularly struggled to be honest about my feelings and even ghosted others instead of directly expressing my lack of interest in a relationship with them.
Connector Mode (Safe and Social)
Those in Connector mode have a well-regulated nervous system and their body can respond when a threat is present, then return easily and quickly to a state of grounded relaxation and calm. Their neuroception is largely accurate, enabling them to realistically perceive threats and the social behavior of others without misreading either to be signs of misinterpreted danger. Those in Connector mode can open themselves up and are receptive to others and what’s happening around them, allowing them to handle conflicts, stressful situations, and upsetting emotions more calmly and efficiently. They are curious about and able to hold space for differences in perspectives and are able to negotiate and collaboratively solve problems. They can set boundaries, give and accept social support, build authentic relationships, and make responsive choices considering their own needs as well as the needs of the greater collective.
This state of openness to connecting with others is possible only when our body feels safe. Felt safety can occur only when we have access to the physical and emotional resources necessary to consistently meet our physical and emotional needs. Throughout this book, we’ll continue to explore ways to support ourselves and replenish our resources so that we can build a foundation for this safety.
HOW TO CREATE NERVOUS SYSTEM AWARENESS
Nervous system stress states are automatic and involuntary and we can’t really control them. Though when they do occur, we can notice and use the practice of body consciousness that we’ll discuss in more detail in chapter 5 to calm the emotional dysregulation they cause. The more we’re aware of the physical cues that our body sends our brain when our nervous system is activated, the more we can sense when we’re in a stressed state.
Though everyone is unique, the following chart can help you begin to understand what the various stress responses may look and feel like in your daily life. Read through the indicators in the following checklist and see which ones you notice in yourself right now. Then spend the next few weeks starting to notice any shifts that occur in your body’s physical sensations and mental outlook that might indicate when you’re in a stress response. To notice when your nervous system is activated, set an intention to begin to practice body consciousness check-ins (see here) more frequently throughout the day.
Nervous System Checklist
ERUPTOR MODE (FIGHT RESPONSE)
I notice myself taking things personally, becoming overly defensive, dominating the conversation, arguing with others, feeling angry or enraged, harboring resentment, holding grudges, or nursing vendettas. I may bully, shame, belittle, or become highly critical or judgmental of myself or others.
BODY:
_______ I feel unable to relax and may feel uncomfortable, unsettled, agitated, or anxious.
_______ My heart is racing.
_______ My body is sweating or shaking, and my shoulders may be squared or my chest puffed out.
_______ I’m breathing quickly and shallow, from my chest (instead of from deep in my belly).
_______ My muscles (in my jaw, neck, upper back, psoas) are tense, and my hands and fists may be clenched.
_______ I’m talking loudly, maybe even screaming or yelling.
_______ My eyes are hyperfocused or fixated on something or someone in my immediate environment (“tunnel vision”).
MIND:
_______ My thoughts (about myself or others) are highly critical.
_______ My thoughts are highly emotional and may even be stuck in all-or-nothing loops (like repeatedly thinking “I am a total failure” or “They are completely wrong” in response to a stressful or upsetting event).
DISTRACTOR MODE (FLIGHT RESPONSE)
I notice myself retreating into my thoughts or attempting to escape through my work or to-do list or by eating, drinking, or using other substances. I change the subject or leave uncomfortable conversations or hide from, avoid, or “ghost” others when I perceive for fear an upset or conflict.
BODY:
_______ I feel unable to relax and may even feel uncomfortable, unsettled, agitated, or anxious.
