Underachiever. Attempts to keep safe from evaluation and judgment by hiding any and all undesirable parts from others, believing that the only way to be loved is to stay small and unnoticeable in relationships. Has low self-worth, fears criticism, and often can be emotionally distant, avoidant, or disengaged to protect against possible rejection. May occasionally act out to receive negative attention that validates deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness. The Underachiever’s nervous system often shifts between Distractor mode, as they distract themselves with self-deprecating or self-shaming thoughts, and Detacher mode, slowing down their motivation and energy systems, which can result in delayed decisions or actions.

Rescuer/Protector. Regularly finds themselves in relationships that allow them to rescue, protect, or otherwise be of service to others whom they perceive as helpless, incapable, or dependent. May gain a sense of felt superiority for not needing personal help and find it difficult to ask for or receive support, even when necessary. The Rescuer/Protector’s role is similar to that of the Caretaker, but whereas the latter strives to care for others’ physical needs, the Rescuer/Protector is more concerned about tending to and defending those whom they perceive to be emotionally vulnerable. The Rescuer/Protector’s nervous system is often hypervigilant and in Pleaser mode, unconsciously scanning for those who need their rescue or protection.

Life of the Party. Fears uncomfortable emotions or experiences and avoids conflict at all costs. Often avoids voicing issues or opinions that might cause upsetting feelings or disappointment. Typically appears to be happy but is usually disconnected or detached from reality. The Life of the Party’s nervous system is often stuck in Deatcher mode, numbing, dissociating, or distancing from most or all stressful or uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Yes Person. Tends to be agreeable with no expressed preferences in relationships, and is often referred to as a people-pleaser or “pushover.” Regularly engages in codependent dynamics, neglecting their own needs to drop everything for others. Prides themselves on acting “selflessly” (or being a “martyr”) by showing up for others no matter what and often ends up over-giving and under-receiving support and care within their relationships. Regularly adopts the beliefs, habits, and even hobbies of their partners, friends, or family and can feel lost or helpless without others to direct them. The Yes Person’s nervous system is often hypervigilant and in Pleaser mode, constantly putting others before themselves.

Hero Worshiper. Tends to look up to those they’re in a relationship with or put others on a pedestal. Believes that others know what’s best for them, is easily influenced, and can be dismissive of themselves, often viewing others as a model for how to live. In idealizing others, they often blame or shame themselves for thinking or feeling differently or having separate needs. The Hero Worshiper’s nervous system is often hypervigilant and in Pleaser mode, giving more attention and weight to the thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and feelings of others as opposed to one’s own instincts.

Not all the habits associated with our conditioned selves are dysfunctional or should be avoided. Many of the behaviors listed in recent pages, like caring for others and being motivated to achieve goals, aren’t dysfunctional in themselves. They become dysfunctional when our childhood wounds drive us to continually take the same actions, even when it’s not in our best interest or the best interests of our relationships to do so. Becoming more aware of our conditioned selves gives us the opportunity to consciously and intentionally choose our actions instead of allowing the remnants of past pain and other learned behaviors to direct our current actions.

Like many of you, I felt for years that I had no choice about many of my Overachieving habits, even if I wasn’t aware of the idea of a conditioned self. Today, I sometimes still allow my childhood fear of rejection to direct my reactions and choices, as I continue to find it difficult to express vulnerability or personal needs with others. When my mom was dying, I struggled to ask for support from my partners. Instead, I pushed them away to cry alone in my bedroom, and when they didn’t come to comfort me, I felt angry and resentful, believing that they should just “know” that I needed or wanted them to. Not only was that one of my immature, conditioned beliefs, I was not, in reality, acting like someone who wanted or needed comfort. Just as my mom had done to me so many years before, I was unfamiliar with how to connect with others when I was emotionally upset, so I continued the same pattern of disconnecting from both my discomfort and my opportunity for much needed love and support.

I’m continuing to become more consciously aware of how often and when I play the Overachiever with others. I’m growing better able to recognize when I’m putting unrealistic expectations on myself. And in those moments, I practice consciously reminding myself that no one expects me to be perfect and that trying to be inhibits me from connecting with others on a deeper, more authentic level. This conscious awareness then gives me the opportunity to begin making intentional choices that better serve my authentic needs and help me connect more deeply with others and the world around me.

The next year, before the one-year anniversary of my mom’s death, I decided to take a weekend trip alone so that I could be more fully present with my emotions, regulate my nervous system, and create much needed feelings of safety, regardless of how I was feeling in each moment. This time and space allowed me to find my way back to a more regulated state in which I could feel safe enough to open myself up to connect with the love available around me. When I returned, I was able to vulnerably ask for the support I needed. And, in that moment, I was truly okay with however others were available to support me, as I no longer expected or needed another person to take away all my sadness and grief. Not only can no other person do that or even be emotionally available for me at all times, I have learned that the support I really want is for someone to be present and connected with me regardless of what I’m feeling. More simply, I, like each and every one of you, want to feel less alone in our pain and suffering.

Explore Your Conditioned Selves

Most of us shift back and forth between our conditioned selves and our authentic Self throughout the day, sometimes even on a moment-to-moment basis. While many of us aren’t connected with our deeper needs or sure of who we really are, one of the ways we can reconnect with our authentic Self is to identify the conditioned selves we most often embody.

To explore your conditioned selves, spend some time witnessing or journaling about the typical patterns you see in your relationships with friends, family, colleagues, or romantic partners, using the following exploratory prompts. Remember that it’s possible to see more than one conditioned self in different relationships. The goal of this exercise is to identify your conditioned selves so that, going forward, you can begin to recognize when you’re tempted to play these habitual roles in your current relationships.

Your Conditioned Selves Assessment

Take a look at the following checklist and spend some time nonjudgmentally witnessing yourself in your various relationships. Check the habits that you notice most commonly, and remember you may even notice that you embody different selves in different relationships or over time.

THE CARETAKER:

_______ When I am in a relationship, I feel a strong pull to be needed or depended on.

_______ I am often hyperaware of others’ physical needs or even try to predict what they’ll be.

_______ I feel that I am most loved when someone is reliant on me for care in some way.

THE OVERACHIEVER:

_______ I am always focused on whether others think I’m good enough.

_______ I pride myself on being “the best” lover/friend/daughter/son, etc.

_______ I’m usually the first to engage with, reach out to, or show up for the other person, even if it’s not reciprocated.

THE UNDERACHIEVER:

_______ I tend to avoid relationships or have commitment issues.

_______ I struggle to be vulnerable or feel emotionally connected to others.

_______ I avoid criticism and any situation in which I might feel rejected or abandoned.

THE RESCUER/PROTECTOR:

_______ I’m attracted to people and relationships in which the focus is solely on the other person.

_______ I feel loved or important when a person is emotionally vulnerable and needs me to be there for them.

_______ I tend to be fiercely protective of the people I’m in relationships with and take their sides or viewpoints, regardless of what they are or if I agree with them.

THE LIFE OF THE PARTY:

_______ I regularly avoid conflict in my relationships.

_______ I usually don’t address my feelings or like talking about things that might make me or others feel uncomfortable.

_______ I think the best way to deal with a stressful or upsetting situation is to pretend that everything is okay.

THE YES PERSON:

_______ I tend to “go with the flow” or defer to my loved ones’ needs or desires the majority of the time.

_______ When I am in a relationship, I tend to adopt the preferences of my friends or loved ones, like dressing similarly, sharing the same beliefs, pursuing the same hobbies, or changing my schedule to accommodate theirs.

_______ I agree to do things that others want me to do even if they interfere with my work, rest, or self-care.

THE HERO WORSHIPER:

_______ When I first meet someone, I tend to be enamored of them and view them as perfect.

_______ I often hide or change “shameful” parts of myself to try to be more like those I idealize.

_______ I overlook any flaws or issues in my loved ones and tend to focus solely on their positive aspects.

Empowerment Pause Exercise

As we’ve been learning, our experience of life is shaped by and filtered through our conditioned brain. Gaining awareness of our habitual reactions and patterns empowers us to start shaping and creating the experiences we want to have instead of feeling stuck, unfulfilled, or powerless in our circumstances. This empowerment comes from an area of our brain known as the prefrontal cortex, which controls our intentional responses, along with our ability to plan, focus our attention, curb our impulses, delay gratification, predict consequences, and manage our emotional reactions.

You can begin to practice activating your prefrontal cortex by taking a moment to pause before reacting to the thoughts, feelings, and impulses that come and go throughout your day. This practice can enable you to gain awareness of your reactivity and create a space in which to choose new, more intentional responses.

The following exploratory questions and exercises can help you explore your own experiences with reactivity and responsiveness. Spend time thinking about and writing down your thoughts and feelings in a separate notebook or journal if helpful.

Take a moment to call to mind a time when you found yourself instantly or explosively reacting to an experience without giving your behavior much thought and explore the following questions:

How do you physically feel during and after this moment of reactivity?

How do you emotionally feel about yourself and any others who may be involved in this moment of reactivity?

Take a moment to call to mind a time when you experienced another’s instant and explosive reaction to an experience and explore the following questions: