I continued to extend grace and compassion to myself as I began to see all the ways my suffering had grown out of a desperate desire and expectation to be seen and loved for a Self that I refused to let others see. It was a deep pain—and a growing resentment that at times erupted outward as I was subconsciously driven to perceive myself to be neglected, unconsidered, or uncared for.
As I developed more empathy for my own experience, I became better able to show my wounded inner child the compassion, care, and consideration she had always deserved. At first, the practice of extending myself empathy felt surprisingly vulnerable and uncomfortable, and it may be the same for you if, like me, you didn’t experience moments of true understanding or attunement as a child. Over time and with practice, my inner child was able to relax into a deeper sense of worthiness for being exactly who she is. Though I know no one can take away the pain that comes when you don’t bond with your Mom, I am now learning how to provide myself the mothering I always needed.
As you reconnect with your own inner child, you may encounter similar deep-rooted feelings of grief or loss that underlie your unmet needs and relationships that never were. To recognize and tend to our emotional needs within our relationships, we have to accept that we have emotions in the first place. This may sound obvious, but many of us are so disconnected from our body that we don’t realize that we experience the emotions that we do. Our emotions contain evolutionary messages (we’ll explore this idea more in the next chapter) and reconnecting with these sensory signals is foundationally important to both our survival and well-being as humans. We’re constantly gathering sensation-based information to signal to our brain and nervous system whether we’re safe or unsafe. And when we’re safe, we can relax and be authentically express ourselves, however it is we are feeling.
Take a moment now to think about your last week and the various emotional experiences you may have had. Were there moments when you felt sad, angry, scared, surprised, or joyful? When you felt those ways around another person, did you feel safe and secure enough to directly communicate to them how you were feeling? Or did you feel safe and secure enough to express your emotions in another way while in their presence (by non-aggressively yelling, crying, or laughing)?
Exploring the different ways in which you express your feelings with others can help you better understand your emotional habits in your current relationships. Ask yourself:
Are you able to remain calm and express your feelings in a way that’s safe for you and others are around?
Do you become activated and erupt, chase, detach from, dissociate from, or act out toward others?
Do you harm yourself in some way, by using substances, ignoring your personal work or hobbies, or sacrificing your sleep, nutrition, or other self-care needs?
Do you harm others in some way, by acting physically or emotionally explosive, abusive, or violent with your words or behaviors?
When we deal with our emotions in immature, unreasonable, or irrational ways, it’s a sign that a hurt part of us is lashing out. Start to pay attention to these moments: If you can more objectively witness the times when you’re reactive, it will help you reconnect with your deeper emotional wounds. In these moments, take some time to consider why you may be feeling insecure, scared, or hurt by asking yourself:
Do you feel worried that you might be hurt, abandoned, or left by another?
Do you feel ignored, overlooked, or unseen by another?
Do you feel undervalued or criticized for your contributions to the relationship?
Do you feel overvalued or singled out for only certain aspects of you?
Do you feel pressured or controlled by another?
Exploring why you feel activated can help you reconnect with your hurt inner child and witness how your old childhood wounds may be impacting your relationships today.
Some of us are already aware of the ways in which we act immaturely, unreasonably, or irrationally in our relationships. If Mona was honest with herself, she knew that her instinctual thoughts, feelings, and reactions with Juan were irrational, even though she felt that she couldn’t help having them. Similarly, you may know that you react disproportionately to distance or separation or take certain remarks or actions personally, even when others are well-meaning. You may know that you have a tendency to fly off the handle or become reactive when you’re dysregulated, feeling hurt or upset by others. You may instead act passive-aggressively, ice others out, or give them the cold shoulder or silent treatment when you feel that you’ve been slighted. Or you may be hypervigilant, trying to micromanage or control others as a bossy child would do on a playground.
Let’s revisit Mona’s journey to reconnect with her hurt inner child. She started to acknowledge and accept what she already knew on an instinctual level: that she was reactive and irrational when she perceived moments of distance in her relationships. Without judgment, she began to develop more compassion for herself when she heard her hurt inner child’s voice whispering “He doesn’t love you anymore, he will leave you, you’re unworthy.” She realized that this voice was a subconscious by-product of old wounding rather than an accurate indicator of what was happening in the present moment.
Now when Mona heard her hurt inner child’s voice, she began to pay attention to her body. She noticed that her heart rate usually shot up, her breathing became shallow, and her muscles tensed—all signs that her nervous system was in a fight response. As she became more aware of these different physical sensations (we’ll talk about how to do this in chapter 5), she was able to identify when she felt threatened, which made her more likely to misinterpret others’ behavior and act out. In those moments, she started to practice mind-body techniques to regulate her nervous system and soothe her hurt inner child, defusing the intensity of her emotional reactivity. That allowed her to strengthen the wise voice in her head by reminding herself “You just feel threatened right now and may be misinterpreting Juan’s behavior. He’s probably busy, his phone died, he needs space, or he’s feeling uncommunicative, all of which has nothing to do with you. You can help yourself feel safe right now without becoming reactive or acting in ways you won’t feel proud of later.”
WITNESSING YOUR HURT INNER CHILD
Our inner child is the subconscious part of our mind in which we carry our unmet needs, repressed childhood emotions, and habitual coping strategies. When these deep subconscious wounds are activated, we often unconsciously shift into the ways we navigated our emotions as children in the hope of protecting, preventing, or soothing our pain.
Take a look at the list below and spend the next few weeks witnessing your own hurt inner child. Remember that these wounded, reactive states are often signs of emotional suffering, so try to be nonjudgmental and compassionate as you reconnect with your deep-rooted pain.
_______ I’m emotionally explosive and raise my voice, say things I don’t mean, slam doors, or throw things.
_______ I’m highly defensive or am unable to listen to another’s thoughts or feelings without taking them personally, feeling attacked, or becoming emotionally reactive.
_______ I’m dismissive of another’s feelings or invalidate, deny, or try to change how they feel in order to relieve my own discomfort.
_______ I fall into polarized thinking, viewing things as all good or all bad or having a difficult time seeing contextual nuances or another’s perspective.
_______ I center conversations or experiences around my feelings or have a difficult time expressing curiosity or empathy about another’s internal world.
_______ I try to control or dominate conversations by changing the subject to ones I’m interested in or insist on sharing only my own perspectives or experiences.
_______ I actively find ways to distract myself from or avoid uncomfortable conversations, topics, or experiences by scrolling on social media, turning on the TV, or leaving the room entirely.
_______ I remove, withdraw, or emotionally distance myself, shutting down or giving another the silent treatment.
_______ I close myself off from receiving connection or support from another or intentionally suppress my needs and emotions, choosing instead to remain “tough” or emotionally distant.
_______ I use alcohol, food, or other substances to numb myself or engage in other self-harming behaviors when stressed, upset, or otherwise uncomfortable.
The more you frequently notice these reactions, the more likely your inner child is wounded. As you become more consciously aware of these reactive parts of yourself that want to be seen and valued for their once-protective presence, you can begin to practice extending them compassion and love.
Identify Your Hurt Inner Child Habits
Spend a few weeks continuing to witness your hurt inner child in your daily life. The more consistently you notice your wounded reactions, the better you’ll be able to recognize themes. You can use the following prompts to explore any common patterns you discover.
When my inner child wound is activated, I tend to think _______.
I tend to feel _______ [identify your physical sensations].
In my relationships, I tend to act _______.
Afterward, I tend to think _______ and/or feel _______.
YOUR CONDITIONED SELVES
As we now know our conditioned selves are part of our nervous system. When we fire the same neural circuits over and over again, they wire together, increasing the likelihood that our brain will continue to repeat the same response to similar events in the future. Like a well-traveled trail through a dense forest, the most consistently used circuits become the easiest and most instinctual pathways for our brain to follow. Neurobiologically, our conditioned selves feel familiar, safe, and even natural to us as adults.
No matter how familiar they may be, though, our conditioned roles can keep us trapped in our dysfunctional cycles or trauma bonds with others. Thankfully, we can create real transformation by identifying the various conditioned parts we play with others. Once we recognize our habitual roles, we can start to make conscious choices to more authentically express ourselves.
The Seven Conditioned Selves
We all have unique childhood wounds and have developed unique coping strategies to manage them. That said, there are commonalities in the strategies children often use to meet their emotional needs. After spending time with my clients, in my global community, and in my personal relationships, I’ve identified seven conditioned selves that we often play in our adult relationships. These are Caretaker, Overachiever, Underachiever, Rescuer/Protector, Life of the Party, Yes Person, and Hero Worshiper.
Those of you who read How to Do the Work may remember these as our inner child archetypes. Inner child archetypes are simply common patterns in how we relate to our childhood relationships and environments. Over time, these archetypes become part of our brain’s neural circuitry, eventually solidifying into the conditioned selves that we’re neurobiologically driven to embody or inhabit daily.
As you read through the following descriptions, keep in mind that you may identify with only one conditioned self or with several at the same time. We can shift into different conditioned selves, depending on whom we’re with or the period of our lives. We can consistently embody one conditioned self in our romantic relationships and a different one with family, friends, or colleagues or supervisors at work.
Our goal in this section is to witness the conditioned self or selves we embody most often in our various relationships. Doing so helps us identify the habits that don’t serve us or help us sustain the relationships we want. Once we become aware of our conditioning, we can begin to make conscious choices that will create new habits that better serve us and our relationships. This process is called integration. Integration doesn’t mean that we’re no longer compelled to act in habitual ways but that we’re more aware of the times we feel inclined to play these roles in our relationships. When we become conscious of our unconscious habits, we give ourselves the opportunity to begin to make choices outside our neurobiologically programmed patterns and create lasting change. The “Conditioned Selves Assessment” exercise here will help you begin this process of integration.
Here are the seven different conditioned selves defined.
Caretaker. Gains a sense of identity and self-worth through meeting others’ needs in relationships. Believes that the only way to receive love is to be needed by others or to care for them physically or emotionally, often while neglecting their own personal needs or desires. May seek out relationships, experiences, or careers where care is required or may play this role at the first sign of need. The Caretaker’s nervous system is often hypervigilant and in Pleaser mode, scanning the environment to assess the needs of others.
Overachiever. Attempts to be the “perfect” friend, child, partner, or spouse. Requires constant external validation and is often focused on or consumed by how they measure up to others. Regularly attempts to carry most of the responsibility in a relationship, often struggling to ask for or receive support. The Overachiever’s nervous system is often stuck in Distractor mode as they seek distraction in self-assessing, self-analyzing, or self-criticizing thoughts, especially when external validation isn’t present.
