Foods high in vitamin D. Vitamin D is critical to regulating our nervous system, boosting our mood, and helping set our circadian clock so that we have more energy during the day and can sleep better at night. Most of us don’t get enough vitamin D, even if we spend plenty of time in the sun, which helps our body manufacture the nutrient. But our skin can’t make enough D if we live at latitudes above the 37th parallel, which includes most of the contiguous United States, even in summer.²⁶ This is why we need to consume foods high in D, including fatty fish, egg yolks, cheese, mushrooms, and low-sugar foods fortified with D. You can also take a vitamin D supplement; ask your medical practitioner for dosage recommendations.

Antioxidant-rich plants. Fruits, vegetables, legumes, nuts, and other plant-based foods high in antioxidants provide us energy and protect our nervous system, according to research.²⁷

FOODS TO MINIMIZE

Note: Limiting or restricting food of any kind may not be appropriate for anyone with current or past disordered eating issues. If this is you, you may want to skip this section.

Sugar. Sugar is one of the most inflammatory substances we can consume, if not the most inflammatory ingredient in our food supply today. Having too much glucose in the body stresses our cells, dysregulates our nervous system, and disrupts our microbiome. Over time, the more you limit your intake of sugar, the less you’ll crave it. Added sugars are common in processed and convenience foods, so consuming mostly whole foods in their simplest form will help you minimize your sugar intake without having to read labels closely.

Gluten. Though clinical studies have not conclusively linked gluten to inflammation for those who don’t have celiac disease (an immune reaction to gluten that affects only 1 percent of the population), a diet high in the protein, which is found in wheat and other grains, can cause unhealthy microbes to flourish in the gut and can even contribute to intestinal permeability, harming the health of our gut-brain axis.²⁸

Processed foods. Processed foods cause inflammation and prioritizing whole foods over processed items, whenever accessible, is the simplest way to eat to help your nervous system regulate, increasing you stress resilience.

Alcohol. Even if you don’t consume alcohol in excess, a steady drip of booze into your bloodstream, whether it’s via a glass of wine every night or a big evening out once or twice a week, can depress your nervous system, impairing your ability to think about the long-term consequences of your actions and loosening your inhibitions. Because of its effect on the functioning of our prefrontal cortex, alcohol use can lead to emotional instability and volatility, negatively impacting our relationships.

In addition to prioritizing the foods you eat, changing how or where you eat can also benefit your nervous system. Far too many of us eat on the go or while rushing through work, watching or reading stressful or upsetting news, talking to a partner or child, or cruising social media. In these moments, our choices may be activating our body’s stress response, taking us out of the “rest and digest” state we need for proper nourishment. By changing how we eat and creating as calm an environment as possible, we can increase the likelihood that our body will absorb the nutrients it needs.

SLEEP WELLNESS

We need at least seven hours of nightly sleep on a consistent basis to be able to maintain a healthy parasympathetic state and connect with others. Prioritizing our sleep can significantly benefit our relationships, especially if we’re chronically sleep deprived, which many of us are. If we don’t have enough energetic resources, we’re more likely to be agitated, irritated, impatient, and easily reactive around others. And yet, most of us don’t prioritize sleep, instead putting our work, social outings, digital habits, and favorite TV shows before our bedtime. For those who experienced abuse or other trauma especially during nighttime, sleep itself may feel unsafe, resulting in difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep due to nightmares. As I did, its helpful to establish a regular nightly routine to help calm your body and activate your parasympathetic “rest and digest” system before bed. Here are some helpful tips to create a soothing bedtime ritual:

Go outside first thing in the morning, even if it’s cloudy, to expose yourself to natural light. Natural light in the morning can help regulate our circadian clock, our body’s twenty-four-hour internal cycle, to help us fall asleep at night and wake up more rested in the morning.

Avoid activating social media and stressful or upsetting news at least an hour before bed, as both can excite and stress our brain. You could even try leaving your phone in another room to avoid being stimulated before you sleep (and looking at it if you wake up during the night).

Practice deep belly breathing for several minutes while lying or sitting in bed.

Practice gentle yoga before getting into bed. Yin yoga, which is slower paced than regular yoga, can be especially helpful.

Turn off your phone and all other Wifi or bluetooth devices. Most of our new technology gives off electric and magnetic fields, or EMFs, emitting a low level of radiation. Over time, consistent exposure to this invisible energy can begin to impact the functioning of nervous system and our nightly sleep.

Meditate for several minutes before bed or in bed especially if you find yourself worrying about what happened today or what will happen tomorrow.

As you see, many of the things that will benefit our sleep are actions we can take throughout our day to set our body up for rest at night.

PHYSICAL MOVEMENT

Physical activity allows us to harness our energy and move it through our body, reducing our feelings of anxiety, stress, and even depression while regulating our nervous system. Regular movement can help release painful emotions and stored trauma, rebuild muscles, and rewire neural circuits in new ways.

Gentle exercise like yin yoga, stretching, and walking can help calm our nervous system when we’re in fight-or-flight mode. Vigorous exercise, on the other hand, can stimulate our sympathetic nervous system when we’re in a freeze or shutdown state. As anyone who’s experienced a good, sweaty workout may already know, physical activity releases endorphins, chemicals that help our nervous system cope with pain and stress.

The way you move your body doesn’t have to resemble any type of traditional “exercise.” Even the gentlest forms of movement and stretching provide benefits. And doing something you enjoy, whether it’s dancing in your living room, playing a fitness-based video game, or running around the yard with your dog or children, will make you more likely to move.

Personally, I like to stretch for fifteen to thirty minutes daily, sometimes by taking a YouTube yoga class (Yoga with Adriene and Travis Eliot’s yin practices are my go-tos). I try to get in a long walk and a more vigorous workout every few days and make a point to carve out small moments for more playful activity like dancing to a favorite song or hitting a tennis ball against my garage door.

You can even start to use exercise in an intentional way to calm your nervous system, specifically choosing your movement based on the stress response you’re experiencing.

For fight, flight, or fawn, you want to activate your parasympathetic nervous system. The best way to do so is with gentle movement like stretching, walking, yin yoga, tai chi, or qigong. You don’t need to practice for hours; start with ten minutes of any movement that you can do at home, at work, or anywhere else you feel safe. Find a private, quiet room or go outside if you can’t find a safe space indoors. If you’re new to yin yoga, tai chi, or qigong, you can practice with videos provided by amazing teachers who share their gifts on YouTube for free. Learning a few moves of the one you like best will enable you to practice in the future without having to look at a screen.

For freeze or whenever you feel dissociated or shut down, you want to activate your sympathetic nervous system. The best way to do so is with vigorous or intense movements like sprinting, jumping rope, walking briskly uphill, lifting heavy weights, cycling at high RPMs, or playing tennis or basketball for ten minutes. You can try vigorously shaking your body for five minutes by waving your arms, swinging your legs, and rotating your core at the same time. If vigorous movement isn’t an option or you’re looking for more ideas, try cold therapy, submerging your hands or washing your face in ice-cold water for one to two minutes.

ENERGY WORK AND OTHER TECHNIQUES

All the cells in our body produce energy. When we’re stuck in a stress response, our cellular energy can become frenetic, frazzled, or deficient. Energy practices such as acupuncture, acupressure, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping can help rebalance unhealthy energy by realigning our body’s meridians, or energy pathways.

Acupuncture practitioners insert thin needles into specific points of the body to redirect stuck energy and stimulate nervous system function. Studies show that acupuncture balances sympathetic and parasympathetic function and reduces chronic stress and anxiety.²⁹

Acupressure uses the same bodily points as acupuncture to align energy and boost nervous system function. But instead of inserting needles, practitioners use their hands, elbows, and even feet to apply pressure that can release you from a stress response.

EFT tapping uses acupuncture points, but you don’t need to see a practitioner to benefit. Instead, you learn how to tap areas of your body to relieve stress.

Other techniques shown to relieve stress responses and regulate the nervous system include:

EMDR therapy, short for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, is a form of therapy in which a trained practitioner leads you through a series of eye movements while you recall memories of traumatic past experiences. The therapy has been shown to help the body and brain heal from trauma while activating the parasympathetic nervous system.³⁰

Bilateral stimulation is a form of therapy that rhythmically stimulates the right and left hemispheres of the brain to help calm the nervous system. EMDR is a type of bilateral stimulation administered by a practitioner, and there are also ways to use touch and sound to achieve similar effects. For more detailed exercises, you can reference my workbook, How to Meet Your Self: The Workbook for Self-Discovery, or look online for resources to guide you.

Tension, Stress and Trauma Release (TRE) is a somatic (body-based) practice that can help release deep-rooted muscular stress, trauma, and other emotions by completing shaking or vibrating exercises. You can find a workshop or TRE practitioner online.

SELF-REGULATION TOOL KIT

Following are some additional self-soothing and self-regulating options to help activate your parasympathetic nervous system and calm your body’s emotional reactions.

Teach your body to surrender or relax into your emotions and physical sensations by breathing deeply into areas of discomfort.

Comfort your body with a soothing touch or a self-hug, which helps release oxytocin, a hormone that increases our sense of connection and helps moderate anxiety.

Use a weighted blanket or gently rock your body to relax your body’s energy.

Smile to increase your production of feel-good serotonin and dopamine.

Soothe your brain and body by listening to the sounds of nature (raindrops, gusts of wind, bird’s chirping, etc.) or to music specifically created to calm the nervous system, like binaural beats or solfeggio frequencies.

Listen to music to shift your mood by choosing tunes that match your current emotional state or energy. If you feel upset, sad, or angry, picking music that allows your brain to access these emotions can help support their flow through your body. Over time, once these emotions begin to release, you can gradually shift into listening to more upbeat or happy music to help increase your dopamine level and decrease your cortisol level.

Calm your nervous system by co-regulating with a pet: pet or cuddle your own, offer to walk a friend’s dog, or volunteer at a local animal shelter.

BOUNDARY SETTING

Boundaries are protective limits that we set with others to help us meet our body’s physical and emotional needs, which helps create safety for our nervous system. We can set physical boundaries by eating what and when we want, going to bed when we choose, and prioritizing how and when we exercise. We can set emotional boundaries by saying no to people, events, situations, or tasks when we don’t have the energetic, attentional, or emotional resources for them, even if the people we love are asking for our support. We can set these boundaries when we begin to feel on edge, are irritable with others, feel overwhelmed or on the verge of tears without explicit reason or cause, or are unable to think or express ourselves clearly.

Boundaries are choices we make for ourselves, not ultimatums we give to others. When we ask ourselves what we can change to help feel physically or emotionally different, we empower ourselves to ensure our own safety and security, regardless of what’s happening (or not happening) around us. Setting limits in these instances can also help us replenish our energy so that we can be there for our loved ones in the future. Recognize, too, that our boundaries can change depending on our emotional state, how connected we feel to the person we’re interacting with, and our body’s energetic resources, including the amount of stored stress or tension we face.

As I hope this chapter has illustrated, a consistent practice of body consciousness can help us become aware of the patterns of nervous system reactivity that may be keeping us stuck in cycles of conflict, disconnection, or dissatisfaction within our relationships. Consistently meeting the needs of our physical body by eating nutrient-dense foods, spending time both moving and resting, and breathing deeply and calmly is foundational to creating a safe environment for our nervous system to regulate itself in.

As we continue to practice the empowerment pause (see here), we can start to notice the sensations inside us that drive us to say hurtful things we don’t mean, keep ourselves endlessly “busy” or always on the go, say yes when we really mean no, or check out from difficult conversations or our relationships altogether. When we are able to consciously witness the sensations associated with our different nervous system responses, we can make conscious choices to bring our body back to safety. Only when we are in this grounded state can we intentionally choose our responses to our relationships and the world around us, ultimately allowing us all to be the love we seek.

As you learned in chapter 2, our body isn’t the only participant in these reactive cycles. Next we’ll talk more about the conditioning that lives in our subconscious mind and can drive these seemingly instinctual cycles with ourselves and others.