The older Jada got, the more her ego story caused her to see the possibility of injustice in most daily circumstances. Feeling deeply outraged and, at the same time, powerless and alone, she was constantly on guard for possible threats, often adopting a combative attitude in an attempt to keep herself safe, especially from those who held positions of power. That misguided and hypervigilant self-protection often activated a disproportionate reaction whenever she thought someone slighted her, becoming indignant or even rageful if she was passed over for a project at work, she scrolled by a social media post that offended her, or someone mistakenly cut in front of her in line at the coffee shop. Her subconscious perceived moments of possible conflict everywhere and hastily relied on polarized (“us” or “with me” versus “them” or “against me”) thinking to automatically group others into categories based on perceived power dynamics. Usually, she’d take the side of the underdog, even if they were harming others.
In both her romantic and professional relationships, Jada’s ego story attracted her to partners whom she believed she could easily defend or who needed her protection. That was her trauma bond pattern, her childhood wounds causing her to play the role of the Rescuer/Protector with others. Her subconscious was always on the alert for signs that those she cared about were being taken advantage of, and when her mind inevitably found evidence of that, she would become reactive and defensive, yelling at whoever was causing the perceived injustice. She continued to project her internal experience of powerlessness onto others, seeing people as vulnerable and in need of rescuing. In her ego’s reality, she was just trying to stand up for others the way she wished her parents had stood up for her. Though in her interactions with others she wasn’t able to hold space for any differences in perspectives and often came across as self-righteous and often abrasive even though she meant well.
Meet Your Ego Exercise
You can witness your own ego by beginning to pay attention to the thoughts or stories you frequently tell yourself about yourself, others, and the world in general. During the next couple of days or weeks, nonjudgmentally take note of these types of thoughts as they occur throughout your day, writing them down on the lines below or in a separate journal or notebook if helpful. By recognizing these stories for what they are—tales made up by your subconscious mind—you can stop reacting to them as your truth and start responding to them in new ways. Continue to extend yourself compassion during this exercise, acknowledging that these narratives once helped protect you and your inner child from your deepest pain.
Examples:
“I’m not good enough.”
“Others aren’t trustworthy.”
“The world is unsafe.”
“I am _______ .”
“Others are _______ .”
“The world is _______ .”
MEET YOUR EGO-GUIDED MEDITATION
Meditation practices can help you enhance your ability to witness and more objectively explore the thoughts you have as just thoughts, with no judgment, meaning, or value. Removing the strength and meaning from your thoughts can, over time, help you begin to see that your ego story doesn’t define you and will give you the opportunity to create new beliefs that better align with your intrinsic worthiness.
If you’re new to meditation, you may be wondering where to start. Though the idea can be intimidating, there is no right or wrong way to meditate. Remember, your goal is simply to be present in your body in the moment, observing the thoughts you’re having without judgment, as though you are watching clouds drift across the sky.
Though meditating with your eyes closed in a quiet space can limit distractions from your external world, helping you better see your internal one, you can also learn to be consciously present while around others. As you grow your meditation practice, it’s helpful to begin to notice your ego-based thoughts in real time. Learning how to shift into this state of witnessing in the moments when you’re in a reactive ego state can help create the space needed for you to pause, rethink, and make more authentic, heart-based choices.
EGO CONSCIOUSNESS AND YOUR CONDITIONED SELVES
If our ego story feels so much like our identity and truth, how can we convince it otherwise? The answer is that we can’t. Though you may have heard otherwise, our goal is not to “kill” or overpower our ego. Our ego is actually a critical part of our experience as a human, one that has kept us safe in overwhelming environments or situations since we were children. Now that we’re adults, our ego’s presence lets us know when something from our emotional past may be coloring our current experience. Over time, we can use our ego’s presence to cue our conscious mind to bring ourselves back to safety and the present moment.
Though our ego is an important and protective part of each of us, it’s not all of us. When we let our ego story color how we think about ourselves and interact with others, we operate in a space that I call ego consciousness: we automatically assign meanings and value to who we are, who others are, and what they think of us based on our unmet emotional needs. We can’t help but hide parts of ourselves as our ego story tricks us into believing that those parts aren’t worthy.
When I’m in a state of ego consciousness, I believe that my Overachiever self is what makes me me. I’m compelled to act as though my self-worth is dependent on whether I’m succeeding in my relationships by impressing others, appearing without imperfection or vulnerability, or fulfilling what I assume are their expectations of me. My subconscious is always analyzing what others say and do for evidence that they like or value me. Because at my core I don’t believe I’m worthy, I look to others for validation to help make me feel better about myself. The irony, of course, is that no amount of praise ever takes away my deep-rooted feelings of of unworthiness: that belief comes from me, not from others.
Ego consciousness often drives me to agonize over whether others are truly happy with and want to be with me. If I plan a special event for a loved one, I can spend the whole night obsessing over whether they really like what I’ve done for them—instinctively believing that their satisfaction with the event is a reflection of whether they’re satisfied with me. Because my subconscious is primed to find clues that I’m never good enough or doing an adequate enough job, I can misinterpret their response as a sign that they dislike the experience and, by extension, think less of me. Feeling hurt for these imagined reasons, I’ll usually end up sulking in a corner or accusing my loved one of being ungrateful.
Of course, not everyone identifies with the habits of an Overachiever. If you relate more as a Caretaker, your subconscious believes that you’re valued only when you are caring for others. When you feel threatened and are in a state of ego consciousness, your subconscious will continue to scan your interactions to assess whether you’re adequately tending to those around you, believing that your self-worth is dependent on doing so. You might constantly ask if others are okay, look for anything you can do for them, or overanalyze their reactions to the services you provide, needing to know if they really liked what you cooked for them or truly appreciated you for organizing their medical or financial care. Your ego story makes it impossible for you to stop showing up to care for others and putting their needs before your own, since your subconscious will tell you that you’re unworthy if you don’t. Though showing up to care for others is part of an emotionally supportive relationship, when you continually put others first, it can prevent you from tending to your own needs.
Devin is a self-professed Hero Worshiper who constantly looks to others to show and tell her how to think, feel, and act because she’s so unsure of her own inner voice. She grew up in a strict religious home with a mother who always prided herself on being a “good” and moral devotee. Her father drank almost daily, consuming several beers after work and many more on the weekends. Usually mildly intoxicated, he would often make mean or sexually inappropriate jokes in public—otherwise, he played the role of the happy-go-lucky family guy, showing no upsetting feelings. Because he never became angry or out of control while drinking, Devin’s mother tolerated his behavior, which was never directly discussed in the family. Instead, everyone participated in a cycle of denial, pretending that dysfunctional and hurtful things weren’t happening, even lying at times to cover up her father’s often inappropriate behavior.
Whenever Devin tried to express any unpleasant feelings to or share uncomfortable observations with either of her parents, she was reprimanded for not being able to take a joke or told to keep quiet like a “good” girl. She quickly learned that there were some things that shouldn’t or couldn’t be said to others. Afraid of feelings or thoughts that could be perceived as “bad,” she continued to look to her parents to inform her how she should act and feel. She developed a harsh inner critic that, fueled by the rigid sense of morality she grew up with, constantly judged her thoughts and desires and sometimes expressed itself outwardly in the form of self-deprecating jokes or self-critical put-downs.
As Devin was growing up, her ego story became “I have to be good to be loved.” Defensive of her “good” person image, she avoided interacting with anyone who challenged it. She judged herself harshly every time she thought or felt negatively about someone or something. She regularly felt guilty or punished herself whenever she wanted to act in ways that felt natural or instinctive but that contradicted what she thought was appropriate according to her conditioned values. Because she believed that she was never good enough or smart enough to make decisions on her own, she often overexplained or defended herself on the rare occasions when her words or actions ran contrary to the opinions or desires of others.
Now in her forties and married with two children, Devin remains deferential to others, believing she’s too unworthy to trust herself to meet her own needs, let alone navigate the complexities of her life or relationships. Consistently playing the role of the Hero Worshiper, she continues to idealize others around her, just as she did her parents, while overlooking signs of issues or flaws in those she loves. Although many in her hometown know her husband is having extramarital affairs, Devin continues to ignore the rumors and evidence, driven by her ego to avoid all painful experiences. Denying the reality allows her to focus on what a good father she thinks her husband is to their young children, so she’s started to avoid family and friends who think or say otherwise. As reports of her husband’s infidelity have increased, so have Devin’s attempts to control her family’s picture-perfect appearance. Distrusting her intuition that has urged her to address the issues in her marriage, she rejects anyone who suggests the reality of her husband’s infidelity, fighting to retain a false sense of safety in her idealized life.
EMPOWERMENT CONSCIOUSNESS
No matter what our conditioned self believes, the greater the awareness we have about our ego story and the more distance we create between ourselves and these narratives, the more accurately we can see the things happening within and around us. Other people may continue to behave in the same ways, but when we’re able to witness our ego, we’ll be able to spend less time in the grips of its fear-based reactivity. We can begin to question the automatic assumptions that continue to drive us to behave in conditioned ways when we develop what I call empowerment consciousness.
With empowerment consciousness, we develop the ability to witness our ego’s instinctual thoughts, challenge the belief that we’re not worthy, and make new choices about how we want to act that will eventually help us to create a new, more empowering belief. Empowerment consciousness helps us recognize the times when our ego story is causing us to have reactions that are based on our past experiences, not grounded in our present reality. When we’re able to realize that we’re experiencing these ego-driven thoughts and feelings, we can let them pass and choose to assign new meanings to what we’re currently experiencing. Though there are many others, here are two examples of new ways to think about our current experiences:
The only reason I feel like I have to drop everything right now and save my loved one from their crisis is to try to make myself feel worthy. I don’t have to sacrifice my own needs and am worthy even if I can’t support my loved one right now.
My ego story wants me to believe that my colleague is being critical of me, and I want to open myself up to the possibility that they’re actually being considerate and caring rather than critical. Because I was routinely criticized as a child, my subconscious is trying to protect my hurt inner child and keep me safe by making me lash out. I can now make the choice to act differently.
PRACTICING EMPOWERMENT CONSCIOUSNESS
While our ego stories will be unique to each of us and many of us will have more than one, the steps below will help you witness and separate yourself from your ego’s reactive cycles.
Witness your ego story. Becoming aware of the stories or narratives you have about yourself enables you to recognize the times when you’re letting your ego story run the show by making assumptions and becoming reactive with others as a result.
Question your thoughts. When you know you’re in an ego-conscious state with others, take a time-out to examine your thoughts and feelings. Do they really represent your reality, or is your ego story distorting what you think and feel? For example, if your partner hasn’t texted you back for several hours, and you spiral into thinking that they don’t care about you, you can question the validity of those thoughts and consider other possibilities for their lack of response that have nothing to do with your worth.
Reparent your hurt inner child. Your ego story was created by your subconscious to help you cope with the unmet needs that caused you to believe that you’re not worthy. Reparent your hurt inner child by telling yourself that you’re safe now and are worthy in every way. Remember, if your nervous system is in an active stress response, it’ll be important for you to reparent yourself by continuing to practice daily the acts of self-care we talked about in chapter 5 to create nervous wellness and soothe your nervous system dysregulation.
Rewire your ego story with affirmations. Believing that you’re worthy when you’ve thought otherwise for years isn’t easy, as this belief is physically programmed into your mind and body. Affirmations, which are positive mantras about ourselves or experiences, can help rewire your neural networks, even if you don’t believe them at first. Telling yourself that you’re safe and worthy fires different neurons in your brain that, over time, can become new neural networks that are easy and instinctual for your brain to follow. Examples of possible affirmations include:
I am safe and loved regardless of how I feel.
I am able to take care of myself even if I need support at times.
I am worthy of love and connection.
I am an intentional creator of all my life experiences.
I am lovable exactly as I am.
I am worthy exactly as I am.
I am safe and secure in my relationship with myself and others.
I am most powerful when I cocreate with others around me.
I am connected to my emotional world and able to safely express myself.
I am an active participant in how I create and respond to my life experiences.
The more we use affirmations to rewire our beliefs, the more empowered we’ll feel to be our authentic Self with and the more confident and grounded we’ll feel within our relationships. Over time, as we consistently practice mind consciousness and become conscious of our subconscious, we give ourselves the opportunity to decide how we relate to and connect with others rather than reacting instinctually from a place of pain and hurt. We give ourselves the opportunity to respond from our heart, our internal reservoir of love and compassion, using practices we’ll explore in the next chapter.
7
Unlocking the Power of Your Heart
