With his newly developing body and mind consciousness, Hassan started to take moments throughout his day, especially when faced with an important decision, to pause and check in with his heart. He also consistently set aside just five minutes every day to sit in stillness and try to reconnect with his different physical sensations, paying attention to the area around his heart space. During that time, he would practice embodying feelings of care, compassion, and gratitude for himself or his loved ones (we’ll discuss how to do this in a moment).
With time, Hassan noticed that his heart was sending him messages all the time. As he continued to practice heart consciousness, he was able to recognize and accept that he wasn’t interested in studying medicine or becoming a doctor—no wonder the biology and premed courses had been so difficult! What lit him up instead was art and design, and for the first time since he was a little boy, he felt excited about something as he started researching jobs in graphic design. He began to rethink how he spent his free time, pulling away from the hobbies he thought he should pursue, like watching sports and going out to gay clubs, to focus on what he really enjoyed, including visiting museums and spending time in nature.
Reconnecting with his heart and intuition helped Hassan realize that he craved a deeper bond with his partners, parents, and friends. More physically comfortable in his body and less dependent on his ego story, he gradually felt safe enough to be vulnerable with them, sharing more of his authentic Self. When he did, he was surprised to discover that no one actually abandoned him. With his growing sense of confidence, he was able to ask for support from his loved ones and allow himself to begin to accept the love and care they had to offer. He was compassionate and patient with himself as he gradually started to open his heart. And over time, he actually even to become more comfortable opening himself up to finding and connecting with others in relationships that better aligned with his true nature.
YOUR JOURNEY TO HEART CONSCIOUSNESS
Developing heart consciousness takes time. It’s not something you can accomplish by following a quick checklist. Everyone’s journey is different, though everyone will have to regulate your nervous system first. Otherwise, your nervous system will remain in a stressed state and you won’t be able to sync your brain with your heart, no matter what you do. All of the practices we explored in chapter 5 will help you begin to regulate your nervous system, increasing your HRV and heart coherence. Any other self-care practice that you enjoy, whether it’s journaling, doing yoga, or taking a warm bath in candlelight, can also help you better manage stress, boost your HRV, and reconnect with your heart.
To develop heart consciousness, you’ll need to learn how to sit still with yourself so you can listen to your heart. I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to relax into stillness, sit with yourself to connect with your heart, and channel feelings like appreciation and gratitude, especially when you feel sad, upset, or lonely. For years, my body struggled to rest or relax most of the time, let alone embody core heart feelings; I often felt physically and emotionally incapable of doing so. If you feel the same way, there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re not broken. Creating safety for your nervous system will help you access these core heart emotions and the more time you spend practicing, the more frequently you’ll be able to experience them.
Awaken Your Heart Exercise
The following exercise will help you reconnect with your heart’s energy so you can strengthen the pathway of communication between your heart and brain so you can attune to its intuitive signals. It’s helpful to practice this heart-activating exercise daily or as consistently as possible, even (and especially) when you feel stressed. Because many of you may understandably find it difficult to extend core heart feelings to those with whom we have had a difficult experience or relationship, it’ll be helpful to have patience with yourself along the way. The more consistently you practice, the more connected with your heart you’ll feel, regardless of your circumstances.
Find a place to lie down or sit comfortably for a few moments. If you feel safe doing so, you may choose to close your eyes.
Take a few slow, deep breaths. As you feel your body begin to settle, take a moment to allow your shoulders to relax, with your shoulder blades rolled down your back. Let your arms hang by your sides, with your palms facing in front of you. Allow your chest and heart to open.
Begin to turn your attention to the area around your heart, breathing fully and deeply into your chest space; it may be helpful to imagine a golden or yellow light shining out from your heart. If you feel comfortable or called to do so, you may even choose to place a hand over your heart to feel its powerful beat.
Spend the next few moments calling to mind someone or something in your life that creates a feeling of unconditional love (whether it’s a person, pet, experience, or anything else) as you invite a feeling of compassion and love to come into your heart.
When you feel yourself beginning to embody compassion and love, explore and note how its healing energy feels within you. Practice coming back to this place as many times as you can throughout your day and extending this feeling outward to your loved ones, and the world around you, reminding yourself that love is your true nature.
There is a guided version of this practice available at:
INTUITION CHECK-IN
The more consistently you practice connecting with your heart, the more likely you will be able to hear the intuitive messages from your authentic Self. The following exercise can help you create a habit of pausing to connect with your heart, giving you the space to begin to attune to its signals. Consistently connecting with your heart will help you tap into and use your inner wisdom to better understand and guide your choices throughout the day.
Pause for a moment and begin to breathe slowly and fully into your heart space, placing your hands on your chest if it feels safe and helpful to do so.
Start to focus your attention on the area of your heart as you actively listen and ask yourself, “What is my heart saying to me?” Practice remaining open and curious to whatever it is you notice and keeping your attention focused on your body without trying to force or apply words or logic to describe what you are feeling.
If you have a specific question or are looking for guidance about making a certain decision, take a few moments to imagine each of the different possibilities or outcomes and ask yourself, “How does my heart feel about this possibility or outcome? Does my heart feel expansive, light, and airy, indicating a ‘yes’ to this possibility or outcome? Or does my heart feel constricted, tight, and fearful, indicating a ‘no’ to this possibility or outcome?”
You may find it helpful to take a few moments after this practice to journal your thoughts and feelings without judging your answers, noting whatever came into your awareness.
Heart-Conscious Listening Exercise
The more you can attune to your heart, the more connected you’ll be to your inner guidance when you are interacting with others or within your relationships. Listening with your heart means you’re truly present to hear and connect with what someone is saying without thinking about how you’ll respond or being distracted by something else entirely. Begin to pay attention to how often you actively listen to others when they are communicating with noting the steps below:
Begin to consistently check in and witness your listening habits throughout the day.
Notice how often you get lost in your own thoughts when someone is speaking to you. When you non-judgmentally notice yourself becoming distracted by the thoughts in your mind, practice turning your attention back to your heart, maybe even placing a hand on your chest to help shift your focus back to your body.
Breathing slowly and fully from your heart space, practice fully listening to the words and experiences of another person while noticing any shifts or changes in the sensations in your heart.
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As you begin your journey, remember that developing a consistent practice of heart consciousness can take time—weeks, months, or even years, depending on how disconnected you are now and how consistently you practice these tools. You also likely won’t be able to remain in heart consciousness or heart coherence consistently for the rest of your life; connecting with and following your heart is a moment-to-moment journey that changes depending on what’s happening around you and within your body. Though the more consistently you’re able to create the safety you need to reconnect with your heart, the more often you’ll be able to hear its messages and make choices in your life and relationships that are guided by intuition, compassion, and love. It is only when we are connected to our own heart that we can authentically connect with another’s. And it is only when we are connected to our own heart that we can truly be the love we seek, through a practice called co-regulation we’ll talk about next.
8
Becoming the Love You Seek
It’s happening over and over again. Alejandra thought. For the last year, anytime she brought up the topic of moving in with her partner, Luca, he changed the subject or reached for his phone, making excuses about a work email or last-minute text he had forgotten to send. His avoidant behavior continued to hurt her, but after four years together, it didn’t surprise her: It was Luca’s MO to avoid difficult conversations, deflecting or distracting when things got too close. He behaved the same way when she shared her feelings with him, and she could see how much he struggled to communicate his own feelings, especially if they were upsetting. When he felt irritated or sad, rather than expressing what was wrong, he’d usually make passive-aggressive or snarky comments instead.
Though Alejandra loved Luca, his unwillingness to share his emotions, talk about their relationship, or explore difficult topics created a push-pull dynamic between them, with Alejandra always pushing Luca to engage or share, which only caused him to pull away further. When she had first brought up the topic of marriage with him, stating that she wanted it for herself without any direct reference to him, he had immediately changed the subject to a divorced coworker who was now dating much younger women, causing Alejandra to storm out of the restaurant. Maybe, just maybe, she could understand if she had talked about marriage after only six months together, but the conversation had taken place after they’d been dating for more than two years. Two years! she thought. They fought the rest of the night, and the incident created tension between them and touchiness that remained around the entire subject of marriage.
The couple stayed stuck in that cycle for several years, until Alejandra began to regulate her nervous system and break the dysfunctional habits that stemmed its dysregulation. She started to notice how threatened she felt when Luca changed the subject or mentally checked out when she broached any topic related to their relationship or shared her feelings about what was happening between the two of them. Over time, she learned to practice taking slow, deep breaths and feeling her feet firmly grounded on the floor or her body supported by the earth under her. If she struggled to calm herself in Luca’s presence, she’d excuse herself to use the bathroom until she felt grounded enough to reengage, limiting the times she stormed out of his presence or lobbed hurtful accusations at him.
The more compassion Alejandra developed for herself during those difficult moments, the more understanding and compassion she had for others, including Luca. In learning how her childhood trauma continued to activate emotionally immature coping strategies in herself, she began to see how Luca’s upbringing had made upsetting feelings and conversations not only difficult but also frightening for him.
Luca grew up with an academically gifted older brother and a younger sister who was a violin prodigy. As the middle child without an immediately obvious talent, he was both overlooked and criticized by his parents, who often asked him, “Why don’t you do well in school like your brother? Don’t you want to be good at something like your sister?” Luca often felt ignored, discounted, and ultimately unworthy at his core.
Overwhelmed by feelings his parents didn’t help him navigate, Luca started to distract himself in any way he could. At a young age he discovered alcohol, which helped ease the deep pain he felt, especially after he was sexually abused while hanging out with a group of older kids. Despite his increasing need for support, he avoided spending time at home, where he felt the worst about himself around his parents and “perfect” siblings. He started regularly staying out late with friends, partying, and getting into trouble. When his parents tried to talk with him about his low grades or seeming lack of motivation, he tuned them out by turning up the music in his room or made excuses about being hungry or having a headache. In his heart, he wasn’t a deflector or a liar, but his inner child was so hurt that he was willing to do anything to avoid confrontation, criticism, and, ultimately, more humiliation. Feeling unsafe with most types of physical and emotional closeness, he kept his relationships casual to avoid feeling too exposed and activating the deep-rooted shame he inevitably felt as intimacy began to develop.
When Alejandra realized all the ways in which Luca’s past trauma was driving his current behavior, she began to empathize with him rather than getting angry, upset, or hurt when he distracted or deflected during hard moments. She saw that it wasn’t that he didn’t care about her or their future together, as she had previously believed, but that his nervous system was activated, causing him to feel physically threatened and unsafe. He never learned how to navigate or tolerate tough emotions or difficult conversations and was often in Distractor Mode, one of the four common stress responses we explored in chapter 3. Distracting himself was how he had coped with his body’s threat-based state ever since he had been a little boy, and his reaction to Alejandra in such moments had little to do with her and more to do with how his nervous system was wired.
With a growing compassion for Luca, Alejandra was able to use a different approach to these activating interactions. The solution wasn’t to stop having difficult conversations with him; it was important that she express her feelings and desires. But she now knew that timing was everything when she brought up a threatening subject; if Luca’s nervous system was already activated because he’d had a long day, hadn’t slept well the night before, or had recently spoken to or seen his family, he’d likely shut down altogether if she tried to have a conversation that he’d perceive as stressful.
At the same time, no amount of strategic timing could prevent Luca from feeling uncomfortable when the conversation became challenging and from trying to distract himself to avoid physical and emotional discomfort it caused him. Now Alejandra didn’t take his reaction personally. Instead, she brought her nervous system back to safety if she felt activated by his reaction, trying to remain calm while having difficult conversations with him.
Practicing nervous system regulation in real time enabled Alejandra to help them both have tough talks and deeper conversations: she began to co-regulate with Luca, using the safety of her nervous system to help his nervous system relax into safety without saying a word. This is possible because co-regulation, which has been studied for decades by psychologists and developmental specialists, occurs largely through the unseen signals that our body sends those around us.
In moments of acute stress, Alejandra started to attune to Luca when she knew his nervous system was activated. Safely grounded in her body and its calm energy, she could feel his energy shift and notice when he was physically tense, visibly fidgeting, or had turned away from her, all indicators of the beginning of his stress response. In those moments, she would pause and check in with him to see if he had noticed his energy shift, too. If he seemed somewhat open and receptive to sharing, she might even ask how their conversation was making him feel.
At first, Luca struggled to answer those questions, but over time, Alejandra’s ability to help him feel safer allowed him to begin to open up to her. Instead of believing that she was always angry or irritated with him, he started to feel as though she, too, was softening and was even able to understand and be with him in his discomfort. Co-regulating in this way helped both of them create the safety they each individually needed to explore their emotions together and defuse the threat Luca often inherently felt in their conversations.
As time went on, Alejandra began to suggest ways that they could work together to help bring Luca’s body back to safety. During one conversation when he was particularly open and receptive, she suggested that they practice breathwork together by taking five slow, deep belly breaths. Other times, they hugged or put their hands on each other’s heart until they both felt more relaxed. If he began to feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable during those practices, she would suggest that they take a break until they both felt comfortable to begin again.
By practicing co-regulation and beginning to deepen their conversations and increase the security of their connection, Alejandra and Luca were eventually able to create a timeline to move in together that felt safe and doable to each. They set boundaries in advance of living together, which helped them both feel more comfortable with the prospect. Alejandra supported Luca going out every Friday with his friends, since socializing was still a big part of his life, while Luca reserved Saturdays for date nights with her. They compromised that one room in their new place would be entirely his, where he could be as messy as he wanted without her attention or criticism. Five years later, Alejandra and Luca are still living together, sharing deeper conversations and an authentic connection, as they continue to co-create safety when needed.
Co-regulation, as we’ll see in this chapter, won’t solve all your relationship problems. And it won’t help you pry open an emotionally shut-down person; that person has to take responsibility and make a conscious choice to show up differently in the relationship in order to create true and lasting change. But when two people are willing to do a little work together, this practice can significantly shift their relationship dynamics, even those that may have been stuck or dysfunctional for years.
Let’s take a deeper dive.
THE POWER OF CO-REGULATION
Humans are relational beings. It’s part of our evolutionary nature to relate to and connect with other people. We’re part of a complex, communal ecosystem in which we’re physically, emotionally, and neurobiologically reliant on one another. Our social brain is both dependent on and wired by other people in more ways than most of us realize. Throughout our life, the people around us, especially those with whom we spend the most time, impact the health of our nervous system and vice versa.
When two people are in proximity, their bodies communicate directly and continuously with each other, even though they remain physically separated by skin and air. Known as the social synapse, this communication is similar to the way our brain cells “speak” to one another, which is called the neural synapse. In the case of the neural synapse, our neurons send electrical and chemical messages through the gaps between them.
While social interactions include “seen” signals, like words, facial expressions, and sounds, the majority of the way we communicate with one another is through unseen signals that are electrical, biochemical, hormonal, energetic, and emotional in nature, all occurring outside our conscious awareness. Even if we’re not talking, looking, or directly interacting with someone else, our bodies constantly emit hormones, pheromones, electromagnetic energy, and neural impulses that impact each individual’s state of nervous system regulation.
