“Please,” I pleaded with him. “I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you.”
Michael drew in a deep breath and then simultaneously shook his head before rolling his eyes as he reached for my hand on top of the table.
“Of course, I’m not going to let you do this without me. If this is really what you’ve decided to do, then I’ll be right there alongside you. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I think it’s a really bad idea.”
“Duly noted,” I said as I squeezed his hand. “And thank you.”
“We’ll all be with you, Lisette,” Rob added, his voice holding a hint of resentment. “But we’re all in agreement that this could end up going horribly sideways.”
“I know,” I said.
I understood the risk that I was taking, and the risk that I was asking them to take with me as well. I loved and appreciated each of them.
“Well, at least stay the night tonight,” Mark said as he cleared his throat. “It’s getting late and I can see how tired all four of you are. There are extra beds and a pull-out sofa. You can eat your fill of whatever you can find, and in the morning, I’ll brew a fresh pot of coffee before you leave to head back toward Charlotte.”
I was tired, and sore, and hungry, so Mark’s invitation sounded like the perfect idea to me. We could all get a solid night of sleep here, put some food in our bellies, and then head back in the morning feeling as if we were revived and ready to take on whatever lies ahead.
Even though there were several beds in my uncle’s house, which I thought was strange for a single man who lives alone, the four of us chose the guestroom with the biggest bed and all curled up together on it. I didn’t care that Adam’s knee was in my side or that my elbow was smooshed up against Michael’s chest. I just didn’t want to be apart from any of them tonight.
“You sure about this?”Michael asked as his voice quietly cut through the small space between our faces while the other guys slept.
I missed this—the late night talks that Michael and I would have, since neither of us could ever seem to calm our minds down enough to fall asleep.
“No,” I said with a whisper. “But I’ve never really been sure about anything, to be honest.”
He nodded. “That’s fair.”
“But is it really fair for me to drag all three of you along with me into this mess again?” I asked while I played through my thoughts out loud.
I knew that I didn’t want to be separated from them again, but I also knew that what I was asking of them was a lot.
But Michael hit me back with that harsh, yet wonderful, wisdom of his. “Things aren’t ever fair in life. You and I know that better than almost anyone. The best any of us can do, is to just do our best.”
I laughed a little under my breath. “That’s pretty deep,” I teased.
“Yeah well, every once in a while I say something meaningful,” he said as he stifled his chuckle. “The most meaningful thing that I ever said, was that I love you.”
I leaned my head toward him and felt his lips meet with mine. There was a deep feeling of comfort knowing that no matter what kind of trouble I found myself in, or what bad decisions I might make, Michael was always going to be there to back me up and save my ass if needed. And I would always do the same for him. I mean, I loved Adam and Rob too, but not like this.
Not with the intensity that I could feel Michael inside of my bones.
When our mouths pulled slowly apart, I tilted my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. I knew that I still wouldn’t be able to sleep, but I wanted to quiet my mind and think. I thought about Julian for a moment, and the days that the four of us had had when Julian was still alive. Then I thought about the time that Julian and I had before any of this had happened; before I had met Michael and Rob, before my mother had been killed, and before I knew that any part of this violent world existed.
I wondered for a few minutes what Julian would do.
I wondered if he would tell me to take the money and get the hell out of here while we still had the chance to, or if he would tell me to go back into the lion’s den and try one last time to honor the life of the woman who mothered us both, even if it might prove to be a completely awful idea. Deep down, I knew what Julian would say.
He would tell me to follow my heart.
The problem that I always had with that advice, was that sometimes my heart led me in more than one direction. Sometimes my heart felt more like a whole network of veins that branched out into a million different directions, each wanting its own thing and heading on its own path. That made it difficult to follow my heart without being torn apart in the process.
I pressed my eyes closed tighter as I heard Michael’s breathing change and knew that exhaustion had finally gotten the better of him. I needed rest, too, but my brain wouldn’t let me.
If only there was some sort of way to know that I was doing the right thing.
Pick a path.
The thought popped in my head randomly.
Just pick a path and do it.
His voice was so clear-cut in my head that I couldn’t have denied it if I wanted to.
“Thanks Julian,” I whispered.
Then, I slipped off into a fitful slumber, hoping to wake up to a better day that, for once, didn’t spell ‘disaster’ for all of us.
In my dream, everyone was there—everyone.
We were all sitting around a giant round table: me, Michael, Adam, Rob, and even Julian. My mother was there, and so was my father and David. Even my Uncle Mark and Aunt Naomi were there. Everyone was sitting around a large, circular, wooden table that was so wide that it seemed to stretch for miles between us.
And no one was talking.
It looked like everyone was just waiting for something to say. But then I thought of something to say and opened my mouth to speak. As soon as I did, it was as if someone had flipped a switch or pulled a lever, because suddenly everyone started talking at once. All ten people at the table, including myself, began a rambling discourse right over the top of each other. I couldn’t hear what anyone was actually saying, not even myself. All I could hear was noise; the sound of urgent and aggravated voices that didn’t even seem to be taking breaths between words.
I tried to shout over the top of all of them, to tell them to be quiet and take turns so that I could hear what they were saying. But no one listened.
