“This is the rest of your surprise,” he said.
11
I walked inside and stood in awe as I looked around me, taking in the sights and smells of the night-blooming jasmine and the tiny, specked reflections on the glass that shone in through the moonlight and danced with the light of the candle flames to make little light prisms.
“This is the best surprise ever!” I said as I turned and threw my arms around his neck.
“Oh, I think that the best is still yet to come,” Michael said rather mysteriously.
We both sat down on the pile of furs, and I rubbed my face against one.
“I’ve missed these blankets,” I said as I thought about the last time that I was wrapped in these soft fur blankets as I listened to the rain start to fall outside.
“I’ve missed that night,” Michael said. “Up until the part where you left that is. I’ve missed it so much that I wanted to recreate it for you here tonight; with me. No other distractions, just you and me. Since I couldn’t bring the whole bonfire and mountaintop, I figured that a romantic night on the rooftop of the aquarium was the next best thing. Do you like the surprise?”
“Yes, I love it. How could I not love it?”
“I just felt like this might have been what we needed right now,” he said.
He was right, this was exactly what we needed right now. Sometimes I felt like I was so overwhelmed that I just needed to step away from everything for a minute. I couldn’t think of any better place to step away to than this.
Since it was springtime, the air was not quite so bitter cold. But there was still a nice chill that nipped the air, which wasn’t quite ready to let go and give way to spring yet. We left the door of the greenhouse open, so that there was still some coolness inside the little glass room that would quickly be heating up. I sat snuggled against him, as Michael pulled the furs around us. These furs reminded me of a time when I was ready to walk away from everything that I loved just in order to save it. I would never do that again. The candles flickered around the edges of the greenhouse, which along with all the leaves and greenery, made intricate shadows against the backdrop of night. Michael reached behind a plant and pulled out a bottle of wine and two long-stemmed glasses.
“Wow, you really did think of everything,” I said.
“There wasn’t much to think of,” Michael said. “It’s just a glass room with some light, some wine, and some furs. But I guess when you think about it, it’s everything.”
I smiled and took a long and delicious sip of wine while I listened to the sounds around me. There was a paradox of silence in the enclosed space against the still-buzzing city below the rooftop. I let my mind wander and relished the feel of Michael’s arms around me as I leaned against his chest.
“Do you ever wonder what things would be like now if Julian was still alive?” he asked.
“That’s a strange question to ask during an intimate rooftop interlude,” I teased.
He chuckled too, but then his look became more serious.
“It actually has a lot to do with us I think,” he said.
“How so?”
“Well, Julian was your best friend. He knew you better than any of us did, and I always thought that if you had chosen someone besides me, that it would be him.”
I turned my head to the side to look in his eyes and saw that he was serious.
“Michael, it’s one thing to be jealous of Adam or Rob, but you can’t possibly be jealous of a dead man.”
I shouldn’t have said the word dead; it still stung.
“I’m not jealous of Julian,” he said. “I’m just curious.”
“Curious about what?”
“Curious about whether or not you and I would still be sitting here right now if Julian was alive,” he said.
“We would still be sitting here,” I answered. “That I can promise you.”
“How do you know?” he asked.
For such a powerful and sometimes arrogant guy, Michael had a softer, more insecure and emotionally raw side than I had seen at first. I sat and thought for a minute about how best to answer that question. I wanted him to more than just “see” how much I loved him. I wanted him to feel it and know it, in a way that put all his unease to rest.
“Do you remember the feeling that you had when you were holding me over the side of the roof?” I asked.
Michael shook his head as if he was trying to forget it.
“Yeah,” he said. “I remember it as if it was happening right now. I don’t think I’ll ever let myself forget that. It haunts me to this day.”
“Describe it to me,” I said.
He shook his head again. “That’s not something that I want to describe to you,” he said with a look of regret on his face. “That wasn’t one of my proudest moments.”
“Perhaps, but it was an important one, nonetheless. Please,” I urged again.
I could tell that Michael didn’t know why I would want to hear about the night that I thought he hated me and was afraid that he was going to throw me off a roof to my death.
“I felt powerless,” he said as he stared off out of the greenhouse door and into the night. “I wanted you, but I was supposed to hate you. You were so stubborn and defiant, and you knew just how to get under my skin in a way that drove me so crazy that it made me want you even more. I looked at you, and I realized that I would never be able to have you. I knew that even if I could have you, that I would try not to because I shouldn’t have you.”
“You shouldn’t?” I asked.
