The tent was surprisingly cozy, with the trapped air inside and the protection against the wind; it was a comfortable temperature. The blanket that Adam brought was large enough to cover all three of us, and it made me feel like we were all curled around each other in the bed together like we used to be; with the exception that Rob wasn’t here, and neither was Julian. I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to think that I might lose Rob too.
Michael, Adam, and I laid there and tried to fall asleep. At any other time, it would have been a peaceful and cozy place, snuggled up on a chilly night under the stars and listening to the sounds of nocturnal animals in the wild. It was the kind of thing that set the perfect scene for a Zen moment in nature; except for the fact that we were all too worried to sleep. Adam closed his eyes to try and rest, even though I could tell by his breathing that he was still awake. Michael was having trouble sleeping too, but his was for a far different reason. Our bodies couldn’t help but be closely pressed up against each other in this tent and even though Michael was still trying desperately to keep things platonic with the uncertainty of whether or not we were actually siblings (which I still just couldn’t believe that we were); he couldn’t help but have a visceral reaction to our bodies rubbing against each other.
I could feel a throbbing, hot bulge pressing against the back of my thighs as Michael laid against my back. Even amidst the current tense situation, and even within this cramped tent with Adam here; and with the nagging thought that we might share the same father; he couldn’t stop himself from wanting me. I wanted him too. My mind was so troubled as we laid here practically on top of each other in this tent, both emotionally charged in a million ways. Our bodies rubbing together was only adding to the tension and angst, and the need to release it somehow. I heard his ragged breathing and felt his tight chest rise and fall slowly against me as he tried to keep himself under control, and it killed me to know that there was nothing that I could do. I couldn’t roll over and hold him, because that would put us face to face and our bodies even closer together which would only make the torture more unbearable. I couldn’t reach back to touch him because it would have the same result. I couldn’t even really talk to him about it in here with Adam right there, and to be honest I didn’t know what to say. We had already said everything that we could, and without a concrete answer, I wasn’t quite sure where to go from there. The only thing that seemed to remain unchanged, was how much I yearned for him.
Adam and I were lying facing each other and when Adam’s eyes opened, I could tell that he could sense Michael’s longing too. Adam stared into my eyes for a few minutes and I didn’t know what to say or do to make the awkward situation better. So, I just closed my eyes and pretended to be trying to sleep. Finally after some time, all three of us eventually drifted off.
In the morning when I woke up, I was alone in the tent. I could hear Adam and Michael’s voices talking just outside. I could tell that Adam was very worried about Rob. He was talking about there being a lot of things that could be life-threatening in the mountains, especially without supplies. I stayed inside the tent for a while to listen to them, knowing that if I got up and went outside, they would probably stop talking in order to make things seem not as bad as they really were for my benefit. I didn’t know why they continued to do that and treat me with kid gloves as if I couldn’t take the harshness of reality. I had been through enough to know exactly how brutal reality could be. I didn’t need to be coddled, and I would make a point to yell at them both about that later. But right now, I really just wanted to hear what they were both really thinking.
“I just don’t think you’re taking a clear look at this,” Adam said. “You keep downplaying it as if we’re just going to find Rob and go home.”
“Isn’t that what you want to do?” Michael asked him.
“Of course it’s what I want to do,” Adam answered. “But it’s obviously not what’s going to happen.”
“Well, that’s a pretty shitty attitude to have,” Michael scoffed. “I mean, what do you expect to happen then? Why are we even out here wasting our time looking for him if you have already given up any hope of finding him.”
“I didn’t say that I’d given up hope of finding him,” Rob said.
The rising volume and escalating tension in their voices was indicative of an argument that was closing in.
“But I think that we need to be real about the possibility that if and when we do find Rob, that he could very well be gravely injured, or sick, or maybe worse. Even if he wasn’t kidnapped or a victim to some other kind of foul play, the fact that he has been out here alone in the wilderness for going on an entire day now, with no supplies and no tent, isn’t really a good situation; especially if he’s been hurt.”
“I understand that,” Michael said.
“Do you?”
Adam’s voice was saturated with an accusatory sarcasm.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Michael asked him defensively.
“It means that I think you are too distracted by your feelings for Lisette to think clearly right now, when you need to be. Your conflicting feelings about whether she’s your sister or not, while also still wanting to have her, are starting to get really irritating. You should be more focused on being helpful in locating Rob.”
“What exactly do you think I’m doing here?” Michael yelled at him. “I am locating Rob. That’s the whole point of this jaunt through the mountains. Or did you just think that we’re out here camping to have a good time?”
“I think,” Adam shot back, “that you’re trying to avoid having to deal with the fact that you and Lisette might never be able to have each other again, instead of just dealing with it and moving on. And I think that it’s starting to affect your judgement. I think you need to get your fucking head on straight and think about the fact that the fate of our friend is more important than the fate of your cock.”
I knew that I needed to get out there right now, before things got even more ramped up and carried away. I unzipped the tent quickly so that it made a loud sound that caught their attention and immediately paused their argument and made them both look over my way.
“Morning guys,” I said with a small smile. “Everything okay?”
“Yes,” Michael said. “Everything is fine. How did you sleep?”
Adam made a sort of huffing noise and whispered something under his breath about “sleep having been the last thing on Michael’s mind”.
“I slept okay,” I answered, hoping to diffuse the situation and move on. I felt as if I had barely slept at all though, and was still quite exhausted. I could see that they both were too, which probably didn’t help matters.
“Are we leaving now?” I asked, noticing that they were packing up and making sure the fire had completely died out.
“Yes,” Michael answered as he came to take down the tent.
I grabbed the blanket and folded it in my arms as I walked out of the tent. When I passed by Michael, the urge to reach out and touch him was nearly debilitating. He paused ever so slightly when he passed me, and I knew that he had felt it too. I handed the blanket back to Adam and he stuffed it into his pack. The tightness in the air was stifling between the two of them, and I knew that it never ended up being a good thing when Michael and Adam were at odds.
2
We spent another full day hiking deeper into the mountains in search of Rob.
There wasn’t really any way to know if we were going in the right direction or not, so we just picked one and pressed on. I had no idea how vast and deep the forest was. It seemed endlessly more vast than it felt when I had looked out the cabin window at the wilderness. Now, it seemed like the more we walked, the deeper we got, and the more forest there continued to be. It almost felt like the forest was growing around us. I was slightly nervous about finding our way back out of here, but Michael assured me that he had the navigation under control and knew how to get us home.
We didn’t talk much while we walked. Michael mostly searched the ground and the landscape around us for any indication that Rob had been there, and Adam walked beside me intermittently calling out to see if Rob would answer him. Every once in a while, he struck up conversation about something that we saw in the woods, and I was grateful for it because it eased the tension between the three of us for a few minutes.
When it started to get dark again, we found another spot to camp and Michael pitched the tent. This time, I helped Adam make the fire. It was cold, and it seemed to be getting colder by the minute. The temperature wasn’t so bad during the day when the sun was out and we were moving, but at night when it got dark and we stopped to sit, the cold really set into my bones. Once the fire was made, Adam took out the blanket again and he came to sit next to me. He spread the blanket out over us and snuggled against me beneath it, rubbing my shoulders to warm me up. Between the blanket, the fire, and Adam, I started to feel a little warmer and my teeth stopped chattering. When Michael came down to sit at the fire with us, I could immediately sense that he wasn’t happy about how close Adam and I were sitting. I had a feeling he was also wondering what Adam’s hands were doing beneath the blanket, but aside from holding mine to warm them up, it was completely innocent. In my mind, nothing had changed. I knew and held out hope that somehow, we would find the proof that showed Michael and I weren’t siblings, and therefore I wasn’t thinking about anything differently. I chose Michael as the man that I wanted to be with forever, and that was unchanged in my mind. We belonged to each other, and he had nothing to worry about. But still, there wasn’t really anything that I could do to ease his worries about it at the current moment. And I was cold and could still love Adam and be close to him under a blanket as we kept warm.
“Do you want to come under the blanket with us?” I asked as Michael reached for the half-filled whiskey bottle.
“No,” he replied gruffly.
He looked cold—and mad.
“We’ll need to head back tomorrow,” Adam said. “We don’t have enough supplies to last another night out here and it will take us two days to get back to the cabin.”
Michael simply nodded as he put the lip of the whiskey bottle to his lips and tossed his head back for a large swig of its contents. He held it out, offering it to us, and I eagerly took it. The whiskey was able to provide a warmth on the inside of my body that nothing else could do; at least not anything else that I could do and have right now. I looked at Michael after I handed the bottle to Adam, and I wished that he knew how much I was suffering and longing for him too.
We didn’t stay out and talk too much longer. The night was definitely getting colder and the wind was picking up. We were all tired, there wasn’t much food left, and I think that we were all feeling pretty defeated about not being any closer to finding Rob.
“What are we going to do?” I asked. “We can’t just head back and give up on him.”
