I can’t stand that I won’t be there to hold her in that moment.

I find myself dwelling on this thought often, mostly because my mind can’t handle the alternative. That once Abra is done with her, there will be no one left to bring news of my death to. That Amity will find herself an orphan, parentless, and not for the first time.

It’s that thought that keeps me fixated on the image of Piper mourning my death.

Because then at least she’s alive.

At least she and Amity will have each other.

The Thornwall baby stirs, struggling against Amity’s expert swaddle.

It hurts me to look at her sometimes, that baby.

I’m abundantly happy for Evander and Ellie, grateful to the Fates for that little bundle of hope they’ve granted us amid so much turmoil.

But when I look at the infant, I don’t see her. I see the child that won’t get to exist, the one I’ve been dreaming of since that night in Evaen when I couldn’t stop searching for Piper in a crowd of dancers. Swaddled in terrycloth is the little sister Amity will never get to hold, even though Amity should get to be a sister. She’d be the best, most attentive older sister in the world.

Amity would be much better at having a little sister than I had been.

My mind flits to Cheyenne, the sister I forgot, the child who’s grown into a woman who doesn’t want or need my protection.

I have plenty of regrets about dying, and many of them belong to the fact that Cheyenne and I, while on civil terms, never restored our relationship fully.

I wonder if she’ll regret her grudge against me when she learns that I’m dead. It’s not that I want that for her. It just seems like another way that I’ve failed her.

Acute pain jolts through my chest, sharp enough that the world around me threatens to spin. I breathe in deeply to steady myself. That strategy worked much better before that mere crushed my ribs.

Amity’s gaze jolts to attention, but I offer her a placating smile.

I’m fine, I mouth, which is a lie. The only lie I’ve ever felt comfortable telling her.

Well, after she learned I was a mercenary sent to capture Piper, and I vowed never to lie to the child again.

She frowns, the line between her bushy brows deepening, but then the baby starts to whine, stirring Evander and Ellie from the way they’re sleeping, holding each other.

They both wipe the exhaustion from their eyes, and while Ellie sits up and props herself against our baggage, Evander rises to retrieve the child from Amity.

She hands the girl over eagerly, shaking her arm out rather conspicuously.

The smile that overtakes my friend’s face hurts, but I’m happy for him. I truly am.

“Amity,” Ellie says, her voice still hoarse but regaining its strength after a few days’ rest. “Evander and I discussed something last night that we wanted to tell you together.”

Amity looks rather reluctant to put down her grimoire, but Piper and I must have done something right, because she bites the inside of her cheek and turns to Ellie politely, even if her finger still taps against the tree stump in impatience.

“As you know, we didn’t have a name picked out yet, so it’s taken us a few days to decide…” Ellie’s voice chokes up, and unable to continue, she flits a hand at Evander, signaling him to finish for her.

His sea-green eyes glisten as he looks at my daughter and says, “We’ve decided to name her Amity, after you.”

A lump swells in my throat, immense pride welling within me.

But then I glance at Amity and…Oh no.

She’s looking at Evander and Ellie blankly, like they’ve just informed her that the sky is blue.

“Her first name?” she asks.

Evander and Ellie glance at one another.

“Yes,” Ellie explains. “We’re just so grateful for all you did in helping with the delivery, we wanted to name her after you.”

“Don’t you think that will be kind of confusing?” my daughter, whose behavior now reflects on my parenting, asks. “I mean, if you say ‘Amity,’ how will anyone know which one you’re talking about?”

Mortification washes over my already aching bones.

This is something no one warns you about when it comes to parenthood: how unbearably rude children have a tendency to be, and how listening to them being rude feels just as embarrassing as if the words had escaped your own mouth.

I take a deep breath, one that rather hurts, and remind myself that Amity had over a decade to develop her lack of manners before Piper and I claimed her.

Granted, even if we’d had Amity since she was an infant, would I have ever thought to bring up how she should react if anyone named their child after her?

Likely not.

“Uh,” says Evander, looking rather sleep-deprived and flustered.

“Amity.” I grit my teeth and will my voice to remain calm. “Evander and Ellie have done something very kind to thank you for helping them. It’s a big deal to have a child named after you. Now, what do you say?”

“Thank you,” Amity says, rushing through the rote phrase. “But I don’t even like my name. I’ve always wanted to be named Cecilia. It’s a much better name, especially for a princess.”

I can’t help it. It demonstrates a lapse in my parenting skills, but I let out a pained groan.

Evander remains still, a forced grin plastered on his face as he glances nervously at Ellie.

But then Ellie laughs, a rather neurotic cackle that sounds like something that would hurt considering the labor she just went through. Indeed, she grasps her stomach, squinting in pain, but she keeps laughing, tears pouring down her cheeks.

“Oh. I can’t…I can’t catch…my breath,” she cries, her laughter contagious, and now Evander is laughing too, and so am I, which is unfortunate given my broken ribs.

The only one not laughing is Amity, who shrugs and goes back to reading her grimoire.

After a long while, Ellie leans her head back against the bags. “Evander, does Cecilia work for you?”

“I actually kind of like it,” he says.

“Alright. It’s settled then,” she laughs.

“Hello, Cecilia Thornwall,” says Evander, grinning down at his daughter, who appears rather apathetic regarding her naming.

Just then, Amity jumps.