She hugged me back but watched me carefully. I had surprised her again, like that day in the mountains, I knew. I’d done such a good job at maintaining balance, maintaining calm, ignoring those whispers of rage still lurking within me. I was a different man now, wasn’t I? Another peek of that part of me I kept hidden during our time together. I could feel myself lose control, bit by bit, that last week or so. Venus, now this, I needed to get back to my peaceful state. The past would not return.

I lived in the here and now.

THIRTY-NINE2023

Aimee

“Thank you,” I said, handing a full bag to the customer. “We’ll see you in the spring.” We were finishing up our big sale, fifty percent off all items in the store, during the week between Christmas and New Year’s. The store would close over the winter and reopen in April. Most of the merchandise had sold, only a few straggling items remaining. Whatever was left, I’d send home with Rachel.

I looked forward to having a few months off. I wanted to try making jewelry, and if I was any good, I could sell my creations in the store. I’d start simple with bracelets and see how it went. Maybe expand to necklaces and earrings.

“The sale was a success,” Rachel remarked. A spring of loose hair escaped her bonnet, and she shoved it back.

“Definitely,” I said. “Almost done here and we’ll close for the year. Will you come back and work for me in April?”

“Yeah, I will,” she replied. “I’m going to miss coming here. It will be a boring winter and I’m on rumspringa.”

“You are?” I looked at her. “I thought when Amish kids go on rumspringa they go to the big city to party and do whatever they want to do.”

“Some do. Three of my friends got an apartment in Philly. One went to New York with her sister; but I don’t want to go to a city. I did go shopping and bought some English clothes. It was fun wearing jeans, sneakers, and a tank top!” Rachel giggled.

“You wild woman,” I teased, good-naturedly. Rachel was a sweet girl. For her, wearing a tank top was risqué and edgy. I couldn’t imagine what she’d think about my time in the commune.

“Archie and I are having a New Year’s Eve party,” I said. “You’re invited if you’d like to come. I can drive you, and you’re welcome to stay overnight if you like. There will be drinking though, so if you do want to leave, you’ll have to have someone pick you up.”

“Oh, a real New Year’s Eve party with champagne?” Rachel’s eyes lit up. “Yes, I want to come, and I’ll stay overnight. May I bring my friend Mary?”

“Sure,” I replied. “And, yes, there will be champagne.”

It had been Archie’s idea to host a party, and I was getting excited about it. Nothing big, we’d invited about ten people, a few from Archie’s school, Margie and her fiancé—we’d got to know each other better after Robin’s death—Rachel and her friend, oh and John, unfortunately.

“What will I wear?” Rachel asked excitedly. “I’ll have to go shopping!”

“You know what? Let’s close early and go shopping in Elmville,” I suggested.

“Okay, let’s go!” Rachel exclaimed. “I’m taking off my bonnet too!” She unpinned it and her long hair spilled out, tumbling around her shoulders.

New Year’s Eve was a twinkle of shiny lights, warm house, and the foggy glow only too many glasses of champagne can induce. I topped off my glass and snagged a piece of cheese from the large charcuterie board on our kitchen island.

Archie and his work friends were sitting in the dining room, all laughing about some crazy school story that you must have had to have been there to enjoy because I didn’t find many of their stories to be terribly amusing, although Margie and her fiancé, Doug, seemed entertained, too. I let them enjoy their stories and moved on to the living room. In there, Rachel and Mary sat on the sofa and Nathaniel, the college age son of one of the couples Archie invited, was in the chair next to them, playing a board game, but in my fuzzy state, I didn’t know which one. Rachel looked very happy in her sparkly silver dress and her hair hanging long down her back. She also appeared to really enjoy looking at cute Nathaniel. Ah, young love.

John and Debra had left early since Debra got a migraine. I had stumbled back to the kitchen to retrieve another piece of cheese when the doorbell rang. I went to the front door and opened it. John was standing there.

“I thought you left,” I said, staring at him.

“I did, but I’m back,” he replied. His lips curved into an odd smile. “It’s not quite New Year yet.”

“Yeah,” I said, turning back into the house. John grabbed my arm. “Hey.” I snatched it back.

“Oh, sorry, you seem a little off balance,” he said.

I rolled my eyes but stumbled over something. John steadied me and led me outside, closing the door behind him. The gust of cold air alerted me, chilling me through the thin red V-neck sweater dress I wore. I turned to go back inside, but John blocked my entry.

“I’ve been waiting to tell you this, but you’re never alone,” he hissed. “Always Archie or that Amish girl hanging around.”

“What?” I snapped. “Get out of my way, John.”

He didn’t budge. He put his hands on either side of my face and stared into my eyes. A deep, disturbing stare. “I saw you. I know what you did.”

I dodged right, but his hands dropped from my face to my arms. He held me tight. I couldn’t move.

“What the fuck, John.” I struggled. “Let me go, you freak.”

“That’s what you always thought about me, wasn’t it? What you told Robin about me. That’s why she didn’t like me anymore and didn’t want to go out with me,” he bellowed. “It was you!”

“No, she just didn’t like you!” I screamed, hoping someone inside would hear.

He put his hand over my mouth and hissed again, this time into my ear. “I know what you did, but I don’t know why. You were at Robin’s that night she died. You killed her.”

I vigorously shook my head. He released his hand. “No, I stopped by earlier, and she was fine. I told the cops that. It’s not a secret.”

“Not then, later,” he said.

“I wasn’t there later,” I replied. I glared at him. “Where were you? Watching her? Maybe you killed her. You knew about her nut allergy. And she didn’t want you.”

“Because of you!” he growled.

Goosebumps flooded my skin, partly because of the cold, partly because John was scaring the hell out of me. How do I get away from him?

The front door opened. Archie was standing there, looking confused. Oh, thank goodness. I broke away and ran into the warm house.

“Archie, John was just about to leave,” I said in a loud voice. “Goodnight, John!”

I slammed the door in his face.

I woke up in my warm bed, Archie slightly snoring beside me. I got up, went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth and pulled my pink terrycloth bathrobe on over my light green cotton pajamas, then padded downstairs. Surprisingly, the kitchen was in neat order. All debris had been thrown out, dishes humming in the dishwasher, counters wiped clean. Fresh coffee sat in a pot, waiting for me. Sweet, sweet Rachel.

She walked out from the living room, also in a bathrobe wrapped around pajamas, holding a mug of coffee.

“Good morning, Aimee.” She smiled. “Thought I’d tidy up a bit.”

“Thank you so much,” I said, pouring a mug of coffee. “It was a nice surprise.”

“Thank you for inviting me to your party,” she said. “I had so much fun. So did Mary.”

“Good. It looked like you talked to Nathaniel quite a bit,” I remarked.

She blushed. “Yes, he’s going to call me sometime.”