When we get home, I pour her a glass of cold water and she drinks it all down. Then she stands in the kitchen, looking so broken and lost that I want nothing more than to wrap her in my arms and tell her everything will be okay. But I have no idea if she wants that from me. I have no idea how to comfort her when my own heart is so beyond broken that to even speak of what we’ve lost would render me a complete mess.
“I’m tired,” she eventually says, her voice terrifyingly small and timid. “I think I’m going to lie down.”
“Okay. You need me to do anything?” I wince at the sheer fucking ridiculousness of my question.
She shakes her head and drifts out of the kitchen without another word, like she’s sleepwalking through the day and I’m not even here. As soon as she’s gone, I sit on a stool at the island and rest my head on the countertop. I’ve never felt as utterly powerless as I do right now. Never in my life have I been so completely impotent, and I would give anything to take her pain away.
With nothing else to do, I wander down the hallway and stop outside her room, pressing my forehead against the door. Her low sobs break my heart anew. My fingers curl around the doorknob, and I contemplate whether to go inside or leave her with her grief. But I’m drowning here too, and she’s the only person who has even an inkling of what this hurt feels like.
I push open the door and step inside, my eyes drawn to where she’s curled up in the middle of the bed, her arms wrapped around her body, which shakes with the violence of her anguish. Wordlessly, I crawl onto the bed beside her and band my arms around her. She melts into me, laying her cheek on my chest and nestling into my body like it’s the only place in the world she belongs. I hold her while she cries, her tears soaking through my shirt as my own silent tears drip down my cheeks, and I let myself grieve not only for the child we lost but also for the future that was only ours.
Chapter
Fifty-Eight
MELANIE
Iopen my eyes, blinking at the rays of afternoon sun glaring through the window. Pain washes over me anew, and my heart breaks all over again. I’m curled up on Nathan’s chest, and my cheek is stuck to his shirt, which is soaked with my tears. I shift in his arms, and he mumbles something unintelligible.
I try to wriggle from his grip, but he bands his arms tighter around me. “Where are you trying to go?” he asks softly.
I sniff. “I-I soaked your shirt, sorry.”
He presses a gentle kiss to the top of my head. “You can cry an ocean if you need to, Mel. I’ll be right here.”
I sniffle again. “I’m stiff. I need to move.”
He hums but releases me, allowing me to roll onto my side. When he turns to face me, he brushes the pad of his thumb over my cheek. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, corazón.”
I shake my head. “It wouldn’t have made any difference.”
He swallows. “It would have to me.”
“I did everything right. At least I think I did.” I blink away another tear.
He cups my chin in his hand. “You did, Mel. You did everything. This is not your fault. Tell me you know that.”
Logic tells me that’s true, even if my heart won’t let me believe that yet. “What if …” My lip trembles.
He dusts his lips over my forehead. “What, corazón?”
“What if I’m broken?” The words leave my mouth on a sob.
He sighs, his warm breath dancing over my skin. “You’re not. At least not in the way you mean. But we’re all a little broken, Mel. It’s the inevitability of a life well lived. And it’s the pieces of us that knit back together that make us who we are.”
I fist my hand in his shirt and bury my face in his chest once more. “Thank you for coming today.”
“There is no world where I wouldn’t be there for you and our baby. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
I nod. But the reminder that there is no baby anymore makes tears burn my eyes again. This is the end of him and me for good, but neither of us wants to admit that right now. Because at this moment, we’re all each other has.
“We slept through lunch. Let me make you something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
He rubs a soothing hand along my spine. “Regardless, you’re going to eat, corazón.”
I grumble a feeble protest but don’t resist when he takes my hand and pulls me up from the bed.
Chapter
Fifty-Nine
MELANIE
The heated marble floors are pleasantly warm under my bare feet, unlike the wooden floors of Tyler’s apartment. The smell of coffee makes my mouth water. Nathan is already at the machine, pouring himself a cup with his back to me. He’s dressed in gray sweatpants and a tight-fitting T-shirt, and I lean against the doorframe, taking him in. He really is a good man. He was so sweet last night. After we ate dinner, we watched mind-numbing TV. I fell asleep with my head on his lap, and I’m pretty sure I woke up to him stroking my hair.
Then he walked me to my room, and I was so close to asking him to stay with me, but he kissed me on the forehead and wished me goodnight. It felt like asking him to spend the night with me, if only to have comfort from the warmth of his body next to mine, would be crossing a line.
He spins on his heel, and I clear my throat, pretending like I wasn’t staring at him.
“Morning. Did you sleep?”
I nod and stretch. “I did. I forgot how comfy that bed was. It beats Tyler’s old fold-out couch any day of the week.”
He offers me a faint smile, and I ask, “Did you sleep well?”
“Not really, but that’s nothing new.” He takes a sip of his coffee. “You want a cup?”
