Reminders for Kids Ages 16+

Remember that conversations about bodies don’t necessarily stop when a kid grows up. Older kids may need reminders that there are safe and unsafe ways to explore their bodies. By this age, they may have heard about people using things that are shaped like a penis to help people with a vagina explore their bodies. It’s important for everyone to know that any internal exploration needs to be done only with items designed for that purpose, like dildos. Kids may also need a reminder to listen to their body—if it hurts, you need to stop.

As I mentioned before, media representation of female pleasure isn’t always the best. A pervasive idea I’ve seen in counseling sessions is that people with a vagina need penetration to reach climax, which isn’t true. Dispelling this rumor with my kids is one of the more empowering and protective things I can do for their sexual health, because it puts them firmly in the driver’s seat of their own experiences and lets them know they do not need anyone else in order to feel pleasure.

“It’s important to understand that your body does not need outside help from a partner or a device in order to feel good. Partners and devices can be part of a healthy sexual life, but they are not required. Part of the reason it’s important for you to understand how your body works when you are by yourself is because it will help you determine what your boundaries and needs are when you eventually decide you’re ready to interact with other people and things.”

Explaining Self-Stimulation to a Child with Different Body Parts Than Yours (ages 13+)

Of course, sometimes children grow up in families where only a caregiver with different body parts can provide information about self-stimulation. I think the scripts I’ve provided above still hold up in this case. Really, the only necessary changes will be to make extra certain that you present the information neutrally—in other words, without judgment and as accurately as possible. For example, you could tell a teen that it’s normal for all teens to explore their bodies—parts are irrelevant—and that the same rules apply across the board: in private, with clean hands. You can instill in the child that this exploration is not restricted by sex or gender, and that the primary purpose of self-stimulation and exploration is to keep kids safe: safe in their knowledge of themselves, and safe in future situations.

As a reminder, if a child who is not your own asks you questions about self-exploration or self-stimulation, your first answer should generally be “That’s a question for your safe adult.”

Something’s Not Right (all ages)

As adults, we know that there are a myriad of things that can go a little wonky with our bodies. From yeast infections to UTIs to frequent urination, it’s hard to keep track of all the things that might end up going a bit sideways. This holds true for children, too. Our kids may need to be encouraged to seek help when things seem “off,” especially because they may worry that they did something to cause the change and feel shame about admitting it.

“I want to remind you that if there is ever anything that you feel isn’t right with your genitals—if you are extra itchy, or things feel strange, or there are fluids and you’re wondering if they’re normal—please come to me or another safe adult. I do not want you to avoid asking about things because you’re embarrassed or worried that you’ve made a mistake. My biggest priority in life is making sure you are safe and healthy, and making sure you know who you can come to for help is a big part of that. Do you remember who your safe adults are?”

The Importance of Communication

One of the things that many parents have expressed difficulty navigating is how to both define and communicate body boundaries for their young children. Naturally we want our children to be in the safest of hands, always. We interview daycare providers, pediatricians, and anyone else who may be interacting with our kiddos on a regular basis. We make a short list of individuals whom we trust enough to provide primary care when we are not available. Remembering that we have done this due diligence—we have vetted and carefully chosen these people who will care for our children—will help us know that the next step of the boundary discussion is somewhat simple. If the person is caring for your child, they will care for them appropriately—help them wipe if necessary, take care to make sure they are comfortable, and report any injuries or issues to you immediately.

This may feel scary, because we have all heard horror stories of children being mistreated by carers. However, asking our children to establish or maintain their own boundaries when they are very young is both unreasonable and potentially harmful. If a child is experiencing discomfort because they fell and injured their vulva on the playground but has been told that “no one but Mommy can check their privates,” they may fail to report the hurt to their primary carer and delay necessary treatment. Children at this age think of their bodies as neutral—their vulva is not much different from their thumb. If they hurt their thumb, they would tell a grown-up, and it should be the same for their private parts, within limits.

The protection that parents can offer children at this age comes instead from careful due diligence when choosing care providers, providing supervision during peer interactions, and having normalizing daily discussions about bodies and the ways they are treated. Think of yourself as an interviewer—make conversation about their body as normal as reporting what they had for lunch.

“Did you have a good day at daycare? Great! What was for snack? That’s wonderful! Did you get to use the big kid potties today, or did you stay in the classroom? Ooooh, big kid potty?! Cool! Did anyone have to help you?”

A routine like this can not only help you stay connected to the daily activities that your child is experiencing, it can also help you spot anything amiss as quickly as possible. Asking your child how they feel about children at school—new kids, anyone they like or dislike, children who have been labeled as “naughty” or “annoying”—sets a precedence of open-ended communication and lets them know you are invested in their life beyond their health and safety. It also allows you to set boundaries with the adults who care for your child and communicate them effectively and quickly.

“I heard that you had a new helper start today—sounds like she’s a lot of fun! I want you to know that I am not comfortable with her helping Jaxon in the bathroom and I would prefer that you take care of doing that when necessary. Thank you!”

“Marissa tells me that there is a new kid who is ‘naughty’—she said that the playground aide called them that? Can you tell me more about them, and help me understand what she’s seeing on the playground and in class?”

CHAPTER 5: IN BRIEF

Curiosity about the human body ranges from information seeking to sensory seeking. This self-exploration, also known as masturbation, is regarded as developmentally normal, though it has been highly stigmatized in many cultures. Helping children understand the health and safety boundaries of self-exploration is an important and often intimidating task for parents. However, parents’ proactive choices can both keep their children safe and potentially identify children who have been made unsafe. They can accomplish this by having conversations with their own children about self-exploration, and by understanding healthy boundaries.

Key Takeaways

Guidance around self-exploration should be free of shame, require privacy, and focus on hygienic practices.

Privacy during self-exploration means boundaries regarding location (often “bedroom or bathroom”) as well as boundaries on participants (“you should only explore your own body”).

Hygienic boundaries are designed to encourage cleanliness and minimize health risks like infection. This includes the “only with your hands” guidance, as well as suggesting individuals with penises explore in the shower or with condoms.

Providing safe and accurate information to children regarding healthy self-exploration can prevent accidentally dangerous exploration, as well as help protect children from internalized shame that drives poor decision-making and risky behaviors.

*Though self-stimulation in childhood is generally understood to be developmentally normal, there can be situations where self-stimulation is cause for investigation. Markedly increased frequency, unusual engagement with objects such as attempts at penetration, and explicitly sexual displays even after redirection are all examples where concern is warranted, as they can be indicators of potential sexual abuse or exposure to sexually explicit material.

CHAPTER 6 Periods, Period.

I’ve said before that I don’t have many crystal-clear memories of my childhood—for the most part, there are only a few big moments that stand out as things that I remember. I remember The Talk with my dad. I remember almost lying to my mom about breaking that headband at Claire’s. And for some reason, my brain has chosen to remember Period Pancakes.

Fifth grade, when most students are ten or eleven, is when many schools choose to introduce the topic of puberty and sex education. They will send some sort of note home to parents asking if they consent for their child to learn about these topics, and teachers walk the students whose parents sign off through whatever curriculum the school board of their district has been deemed appropriate. My school was no different—fifth grade meant *cue ominous music* sex ed.

This didn’t feel like it was going to be a big deal for me—after all, I had already gotten my period. I hadn’t told anyone that I had gotten my period, but I had what is called “precocious puberty”—in other words, my period started a bit earlier than anyone expected, when I was ten. I had been having regular periods for months at this point, so when my mom said I was going to a class to learn about periods, I figured it would probably be boring, but I’d survive.

Nothing could have prepared me for what that class actually was.

As you might have guessed, we were first split up by assigned gender—girls with Mrs. H and another lady whose name I never learned from some organization in town I didn’t bother to register, and boys with Mr. J and his counterpart. Then we were ushered into a room where we were given slips of paper and told to write down questions as they came up. We could pass the slips of paper up at the end and have our questions answered. Everything went downhill after that.

“Hi, girls!” said the lady whose name I never learned. “As Mrs. H said, I’m here to talk to you about puberty and periods. Who here knows what a period is?”

Cautiously, a few of us raised our hands. There was safety in numbers.

“Okay, great! Maybe a few of you know because you have already had your period. Has anyone here already had their period?”

I didn’t even need to glance around the room to know there wasn’t a soul who was going to raise their hand and risk being the only one. A quick scan told me that I was right to have kept my hand down.

“Oh well, I suppose you all are a bit young, being fifth graders.”

Dear God, please don’t let anyone see me blushing. She had just told me I was too young to have the thing I had been having for months. I don’t remember even a second of the rest of her spiel—my mind was racing, imagining what everyone would think if they knew I already had my period. I sat in this thought spiral as the instructor passed around a model uterus and ovaries and handed out sample maxi pads. She may have talked about how to keep bodies clean, or put a pad into your underwear … I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that after a few agonizing minutes, she dimmed the lights to show a movie.

The film depicted a fictitious set of friends about our age who are planning a sleepover. Everyone is excited to stay up late talking, laughing, and playing games. During the night, one of the girls wakes up in pain and notices blood on her underwear. The adults in the film discreetly take care of the mess and provide her with the products she needs. The next morning, however, the girls are given a pancake breakfast made by the host’s mom. She stands in the kitchen pouring batter on the griddle … in the shape of a uterus and ovaries. She’s standing there on the screen, using the fluffy breakfast food to explain the menstrual cycle to her daughter’s friend, as my classmates and I watched in horror.

She gets her period and someone who isn’t even her own mom explains it with … pancakes? In front of her FRIENDS? All the questions we’d scribbled on our bits of paper were abandoned—we all wanted class to be done as quickly as possible so we could debrief about the period pancakes. It was the only part of the entire lesson that any of us talked about for days afterward.

I am so grateful that my own curiosity (thanks again, World Book Encyclopedia) and my mother’s scientific approach to parenting had prepared me for that class. I didn’t leave the class in the same state as some of my peers—somehow more confused than they were before and fearing that if they got their period during a sleepover, there might be Menstruation Muffins the next morning.

No, my mom is one of the primary reasons I have approached periods with my own children the way I have. I know that children all come from someone who had a period. I know that many children will see menstruation at some point, whether depicted onscreen, in a book they’re reading, or in their own home. And roughly half of all children will eventually experience a period themselves. Rather than the mysterious blue liquid poured out of a test tube in an ad, or the old adage about a dubious “change” that will somehow “make them a woman” overnight, it’s important that we treat periods as what they are: a biological mechanism that is part of the reproductive cycle in people with a uterus. No more. No less.

Treating menstruation this way—matter-of-factly and with only as much fanfare as the child demands—can help prevent children from developing feelings of fear and shame. Instead of “I don’t want to bleed to death” or “I hid my bloody underwear for months because I couldn’t tell my dad I had my period,” let’s aim to have children who understand what is happening in their body and who feel capable to obtain the products and information they need to be comfortable at all stages in their cycle.

It’s important to know, too, that all this information can and should be given to children who do not have a uterus. They will eventually interact with people who do have a uterus—perhaps siblings, friends, or future partners—so it is important that they are equipped with the basic biological facts at the very least.

Sample Scripts

The Vagina is a Self-Cleaning Organ

Early and Middle Childhood (ages 3 to 11)

“Hey, buddy—you’re doing a great job of wiping when you go potty! Remember—you gotta wipe from the front to the back. You don’t want to get any poop on your vulva!”

“You are learning how to clean your body by yourself and that’s really great! When you clean your vulva, I want you to remember that you need to use just a little bit of soap and water on your washcloth and then gently wash your vulva, going from the front toward the back.”