Ideally, I would encourage my child to ask themselves these questions before and during any sort of internet search:

Can I ask my caregiver?

Can I ask a different safe adult?

Is there a nonfiction book in the library with this info?

Do they cite their sources?

Does it agree with other answers?

Was it worth it?

You’ll note that I said that ideally my child would be this reflective while searching. Unfortunately, we do not live in an ideal world—even the list above is not likely to register with many teenagers. So I’ve come to the conclusion that starting with something that can be repeated and reinforced—a single, simple phrase—is often a better place to start.

Think before you click, and if what you find scares you—stop.

This mantra is repeated over and over as soon as my children gain access to any type of device. The internet is not easy to navigate for accurate, useful, and inclusive information about sex and sexuality, but kids and teenagers don’t know that. (And, as mentioned above, the internet can be a minefield even for adults who have years more experience with tech and research.) Much like abstinence-only sex education, asking our children to just … not look isn’t going to be the most effective way to guide them through seeking their own information. Instead, having an open dialogue about the experience can yield better results. This isn’t always an easy feat, but as you’ll discover in chapter 12, it is possible.

Beyond teaching our kids how to find information on their own and answer the questions they ask us, we must remember that there are going to be questions they do not even think to ask. Children, especially children who have not reached the early stages of puberty, may be less likely to ask questions about parts they do not have. A child who does not have a penis may be less likely to ask how erections happen, and a child without a uterus may not be curious about periods. This is something to keep in mind as children get older, especially given that as they approach puberty, you will be having discussions about how bodies interact. Without at least a passing knowledge of how most bodies work, it will be that much more confusing when you try to explain how they work together. This is yet another reason to normalize conversational curiosity and present interesting facts throughout our day—it helps the child feel comfortable considering information that may not directly apply to them. You can find examples of books that do this really well in the Resources section on page 285.

Providing appropriate biological knowledge about how other people’s bodies work can also be a form of protection. When children feel informed—when they feel that they already know how all of the parts work—there is nothing intriguing or forbidden about it. As much as it may terrify us to consider it, there are people who can and do weaponize what our children do not know about their own and other people’s bodies. Providing age-appropriate information makes it measurably more difficult for an ill-intentioned person to trick your child into a dangerous situation by offering information that feels illicit. No one can look at little Sibley and say, “Oh, you don’t know what an erection is? Let me show you …” You have armed them with knowledge of how bodies work and the security to come to you for open, honest answers.

We must also remember that others in society feel it is their duty to influence children to feel like they shouldn’t be curious. Having these ideals projected on them may make them worry that their curiosity makes them weird, bad, or wrong, especially if their questions or searches are related to ideas outside what is presented as “normal” in the mainstream understanding. We must remind them that wanting information about how things work does not determine who you are. To put it simply: Curiosity and behaviors in childhood do not necessarily draw a blueprint for a child’s future. Playing wedding doesn’t mean a child will ever walk down the aisle; pretending to be a farmer doesn’t mean they will ever drive a tractor; and playing fashion designer doesn’t mean they’ll have a debut at fashion week. In the same vein, as NEMOURS KidsHealth states—and in accordance with researchers and pediatric professionals—“Despite myths and misconceptions, there is no evidence that being gay is caused by early childhood experiences, parenting styles, or the way someone is raised.” Supporting a child in exploring who they are, how they feel about themselves, and their interactions with the world all while reminding them of your unconditional positive regard for them is vital in keeping open lines of communication and feelings of safety.

Unconditional positive regard and valuing curiosity can manifest in a helpful communication tool for tweens and teens: a Free Pass for questions about bodies. This hypothetical pass is particularly handy when teens start to venture into territory that may have consequences. It works like this:

“I want you to know that as a teenager you have inherited a Free Pass for questions about bodies. What this means is that you can tell me, at any point, that you have a question you need answered, but that you do not want to talk about it any further than getting the question answered. Before asking the question, I’ll verify with you that the question is not being asked in the context of something harmful or actively dangerous. If you confirm that, then I will answer the question with no follow-up, no matter what the question is. If it becomes clear that I do need to be concerned, then I will follow up, but I promise to explain why I am concerned and following up.”

Providing this card—which, for the record, does not currently exist as a physical card in my house, but I could decide to get crafty with it—allows your teenager to know that you value their privacy, respect their autonomy, and trust their judgment. It also helps your teen start to consider information and situations through a lens of safety and adds an introspective step to their knowledge-seeking process. Imagine your fifteen-year-old son comes to you with this scenario:

“Hey, Mom, I wanna use my Free Pass.”

“Oh, uh … okay. Nothing I need to worry about safety-wise?”

“No. I just want to know.”

“Okay. Ask away.”

“Is there, like, a practical reason for scissoring?”

*TIRE SCREECH SOUND*

Okay, your first thought might be, Where, PRECISELY, did he hear the term scissoring? What is he watching where this is a thing? Your second thought might be that he really doesn’t need to know, because it’s not like he’ll ever need to do it—he doesn’t have a vulva! But if you give yourself a beat, you might realize he is coming to his safest adult to answer a question that is perplexing him before he turns to the internet and whatever cursed information he might find there.

“What do you mean by ‘practical’?”

“Like … is there a reason for it?”

“I mean … nothing beyond it feeling good for the people who do it, as far as I’m aware. The same bits are stimulated, no like … special spot is activated or anything.”

“Oh. Okay … thanks.”

At this point, you might have to fight the urge to ask why he needs to know—I know my curiosity would be killing me!—but you know that if you violate the terms of the Free Pass, he may never use it again. It might also be tempting to continue the conversation and offer up information that is related and clarifying, but, as we’ll cover in the Consent for Knowledge chapter, it’s vital to ask if they want the information before going too far into the conversation. Think about where he might have learned the term—is it something he’s read online or heard a peer reference, or could it be that he’s accessing pornography? Instead of offering up more information, you decide to make a mental note to have a separate talk about relationships, representation, and porn at some point in the near future, but since the question had no super tangible impact on his safety right now, you let it go. Consider, however, a slightly different scenario with the same child:

“Mom, I wanna use my Free Pass.”

“Reminder of the safety clause!”

“Yeah, I know … is it illegal to buy the morning-after pill with a fake ID?”

“Ahhhh. Okay. Well, I’m going to need a little more context, bud, and I can’t promise I won’t need to follow up, especially if this is about you or someone you know.”

“Yeah … I kinda figured.”

You can compassionately continue the conversation, and if you have done some pre-reflection on how you might handle tough questions like these, you can also give your child an answer while still reminding them of your unconditional positive regard for them. These scenarios are not outside the realm of possibility—every day, teenagers encounter new and sometimes confusing information, scary and life-altering decisions, and the pressure to always know what’s up. The very least we, as parents, can do is let them know that we love them enough to help them navigate their ever-changing reality and give them an out when they just can’t handle the third degree.

CHAPTER 2: IN BRIEF

Healthy curiosity about ourselves and the world around us is valuable for all humans. Though kids are naturally curious about their world, it’s important to help them learn how to seek information that is accurate and appropriate for their developmental age. By guiding our children in their curiosity, we can both answer their questions and help them learn how to safely answer their questions for themselves in the future.

Key Takeaways

Children are going to be curious about their body, and one of the first ways they are likely to learn about it is by touching it. Setting boundaries about how they can do this safely is important for their health and development.

It can sometimes feel like our children never stop asking questions. As parents, we can support our children’s inquisitiveness and maintain trust by working on our own emotional regulation, so we don’t snap when asked a million “whys.”

Acknowledging our children’s curiosity and providing accurate, age-appropriate information can help protect our children from people who would seek to exploit their innocence.

A Free Pass is a tool that shows children they can always come to us with questions, even questions they worry are “bad,” because we have unconditional positive regard and unconditional love for them.

CHAPTER 3 Consent

My middle daughter, Turkey, has always been the queen of what is known as bodily autonomy. In other words, that girl will not let anyone but herself make any decisions about her body—she is calling 100% of the shots.

One day when Turkey was about three years old, we were doing some shopping at our beloved haunt—Target. We had perused our favorite sections and were making our way through the grocery aisles when we ran into an acquaintance of mine. This nice older woman had never met any of my children and was as charmed by Turkey as most people are.

“Oh my goodness, aren’t you a sweet little thing!”

“Nice to meet you.”

“And such good manners, too! Oh I just wanna give you a little … *boop*”

And she booped my daughter on the nose.

Without missing a beat, Turkey furrowed her eyebrows and poked the woman on her nose.

“Oh! My!” said the woman, taken aback that a little girl would poke her in the face.