‘That one’s got weevils in it,’ he told her helpfully. ‘All the Castle ration cheeses have weevils, or worse. Why don’t you...’
She glared at him, hauled it onto the cutting board and gave him a knife.
‘You cut it, then. I want about half a pound.’
‘But, Philly...’
‘Go on, if you want to find out what I’m doing. I hate the way they wriggle even after you’ve cut their heads off.’
Carey did too, but he manfully cut the required piece and lifted it gingerly onto a platter. Philadelphia arranged nasturtium leaves and dill around it and looked about for somebody to carry it. One of her maidens hurried past in the passage, carrying a newly scoured butterchurn.
‘Nelly,’ she shouted. The girl was a round-faced doe-eyed creature with a wonderful crop of spots and the faint cheesy odour of all dairymaids. She blenched at the sight of what she was supposed to hold.
‘Don’t drop it,’ Philly ordered the horrified girl, as she swept into the wet larder by the Castle wall. She went purposefully to a barrel of salt beef in the corner of the room, this one with a no less ominous JP for James Pennycook on it, and used the tongs to fish up a piece of meat that managed to be as hard as wood and still stank, with a decorative light green sheen. Slicing it with great effort and her breath held, she arranged the whole on another platter, with some loaves of gritty bread and a dish of rancid butter, grabbed Carey’s youngest servant Simon Barnet as he wandered past still rubbing straw off his hose, and had him form a procession up to the Keep. She herself took a pewter jug, dived into the buttery, and filled it from the ale barrel that was shunned by anyone with a nose.
‘Robin,’ she said brightly as they walked back to the draughty Keep. ‘Do you remember what you were telling me the other day about victualling contracts?’
‘Er... yes.’
‘Good,’ she said, tweaking Simon’s blue cap straight. ‘I’ll go first. Then Simon and Nelly, then you, Robin. Then agree with everything I say and back me up.’
‘Philadelphia...’ began Scrope in a strained voice as the combined smells hit him.
‘Yes, my lord?’ said Philadelphia sweetly, turning back.
‘My lady, we can’t serve this to our guests...’
Her face crumpled with concern. ‘Oh my lord, I’m so sorry. It’s their own supplies. I thought they’d be interested to see the quality of them. But if the food’s too rotten to eat, I’ll go down and fetch something better...’
Carey coughed with the effort of keeping a straight face. Four pairs of male eyes were glaring at his sister.
‘Madam,’ intoned Michael Kerr, Pennycook’s factor and son-in-law, ‘surely these gentlemen should not be expected to eat the same food as the common soldiers of the garrison?’
‘No?’ asked Philadelphia, greatly surprised. ‘Why not? It costs as much as our own food from our estates. More, in fact. And my brother eats it, don’t you, Sir Robert?’
‘Yes, yes, I do.’ Carey had his face under control now. ‘When it’s edible.’
‘Ye eat with the men?’ asked Pennycook, disbelievingly. ‘But Ah thocht ye were the Deputy Warden.’
‘It’s good practice for a Captain to do so sometimes,’ said Carey blandly. ‘That way, he and his men get to know each other better, which is important in a fight.’
This was certainly true, as far as it went. However, he generally ate with them at one of the many Carlisle inns, not in the Keep hall where this rubbish was served up to those of the garrison who had spent or gambled all their pay.
Scrope was watching hypnotised as a maggot broke from the safety of the cheese and began exploring the rest of the platter. No doubt it was in search of its friends still hiding in the meat. Perhaps they could have a little party... Get a grip on yourself, man, Carey told himself, as he sat down beside Michael Kerr and drew his eating knife to cut the bread. Simon came rushing back with the goblets and plates, laid them out and Philadelphia served them all from the jug, curtseyed again and swept from the room, followed by Simon and Nelly.
Carey was enjoying the row of stunned expressions. Lord Scrope had been told often enough about the appalling quality of the garrison rations and he had in fact carried out a short inspection. But clearly it had taken the sight of the muck laid out on plates ready to eat to bring home to him just how badly he and the Queen were being cheated.
The junior clerk swallowed stickily. With a flourish straight from the Queen’s Court, Carey offered the platter to James Pennycook, who flinched back.
Scrope coughed. ‘I think we’re in agreement then, gentlemen,’ he said lamely. ‘The old contract is renewed for the following year. I’ll have Bell draw up the notice...’
‘Excuse me, my lord,’ said Carey very politely. ‘I was wondering if you’d had a chance to sort out the question of wastage?’
‘Wastage?’
‘Yes, my lord. When I was in the Netherlands...’
‘My brother-in-law has served with the Earl of Essex in the Low Countries,’ explained Scrope. ‘He’s an experienced soldier.’
‘The Earl of Essex, eh?’ said Pennycook. ‘Is he the Queen’s minion... er... favourite?’
‘Yes,’ said Carey pleasantly. ‘I received my knighthood from him. The Queen was very put out; she said she had wanted to knight me herself since I’m her cousin.’
There, you Scotch bastard, he thought. Chew on that.
‘Do have some of this meat, sir,’ he added. Pennycook smiled feebly, held up his hand and Carey, deliberately misinterpreting, gave him two generous slices. Oh dear, he’d got some severed weevils as well.
‘While I was fighting the Spaniards, I learned a great deal,’ he continued, taking some of the food onto his own plate. No help for it, he had to do it, thanks to Philadelphia. ‘Particularly from Sir Roger Williams, a most reverent and experienced soldier.’ They weren’t really listening; they were watching him cut a slice of cheese that was veined with blue mould, tap out the foreigners. ‘He always got on very well with his purveyors.’ He ate the cheese while the men who had supplied it watched in fascination, realising to their dismay that if he ate their food, common courtesy dictated that they must too. There was an acrid musty tang to the cheese, not too bad, really, he thought to himself. It was actually better than the frightful stuff they’d eaten on board ship when fighting the Armada. He swallowed and continued. ‘The contracts were generous—as yours are—but always included a clause stipulating that any food that was unfit to eat was sent back to the purveyors and its price subtracted from the next payment.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ said Scrope, with an air of pleased surprise. Pennycook picked up a piece of bread, nibbled on it. Carey could hear his teeth grating on the grit, sand, sawdust, ground bones and God knew what else these thieves adulterated the flour with. Pennycook put it down. Michael Kerr had eaten a piece of cheese and was blinking unhappily at the crock of butter. The junior clerk looked at the meat and wisely decided to nibble on some bread. Thank the Lord, Philadelphia hadn’t seen fit to offer them any of the salt herring as well; Carey had recognised the barrels as ones that had been condemned as unfit for the English fleet in the Armada year, four years ago.
Scrope put down his knife with a bright smile. ‘You’d have no objection to a clause like that in our agreement, would you, gentlemen?’
Carey thought about braving the meat, but decided to stick with the cheese since the bellyache you got from that rarely killed you.
‘But the food we supply is of the verra highest quality,’ protested Pennycook automatically, falling straight into the trap. Michael Kerr choked on his ale.
‘Of course it is,’ said Carey smoothly. ‘I’m sure that, as with Sir Roger, we will hardly need to use the wastage clause. The Queen will approve as well. She was very concerned at some of the troubles my brother has had with his victuallers in Berwick. Can I offer you some cheese, Mr Pennycook?’ Mr Pennycook, who was, as Carey knew, one of the victuallers to the Berwick garrison, shut his eyes, shook his head.
