Ryun laughs, looks at her in her big fake veil and glittering sash. “You seem pretty special.”
Lila’s cheeks flush like she is already drunk, and maybe she is. “Thanks.”
Marla gives Ryun a death stare for flirting with the bride. Phoebe holds up her glass.
“A toast to the bride,” Phoebe says, and Lila smiles. “Now let’s go see the Sex Woman.”
THE SEX WOMAN is already in the billiards room when they arrive.
“You’re late,” she says.
She stands behind a giant projector in a taupe suit and a low ponytail. She reminds Phoebe of her old self in the classroom, secretly angry at all the late students but trying desperately not to seem so. Maybe this is why Phoebe apologizes.
“Very, very sorry,” Phoebe says.
They sit down on the teal couch with their drinks. Lila gives them all a big smile, like she is better now. Ready to have some fun.
“Good evening, ladies,” the Sex Woman says. “And who is the special bride tonight?”
Lila raises her hand and the women cheer.
“Well, congratulations,” the Sex Woman says. “As you likely know, I’m a former colleague of Viv’s. We worked together not long ago while I was at the Atlanta Zoo.”
They all nod like they knew this.
“But ever since the pandemic, I’ve obviously made a bit of a career shift. Turns out there’s more money in bachelorette parties than the nonprofit sector,” she jokes, and everyone laughs. “But more seriously, in case Viv didn’t tell you, let me introduce myself. I am the world’s foremost international mating expert for the Ailuropoda melanoleuca, otherwise known as the giant panda. I have been the chief consultant to three national zoos. I have appeared on two different PBS conservation specials and have personally participated in the sexual intercourse of at least four pandas across the world.”
Nat and Suz laugh. Marla looks at Phoebe and nods her head, as if she’s genuinely impressed by the Sex Woman’s credentials. But Lila looks confused, whispers, “Is this Viv’s idea of a joke?” and they shrug. Phoebe suspects that if they were in grade school, this is when they would break into uncontrollable laughter. But they don’t. They are adult women. It does not feel right to make fun of any woman standing before them, not to mention pandas. It feels more like she’s at an academic conference and should raise her hand, inquire about the pandas. But it’s Marla who does it.
“You participated in panda sex?” Marla asks. “What does that mean?”
“Good question,” the Sex Woman says. She pulls up the first slide. “This is Mei Mei.”
She points to a sad photograph of a panda holding a single stalk of bamboo.
“I helped Mei Mei make love for the first time, probably one of the biggest achievements on my CV to date. For seven years, Mei Mei showed no interest in mating with the other pandas at the Atlanta Zoo. Our research suggests this is largely due to being in a state of captivity. In captivity, the giant panda has forgotten how to have sex. By trying to protect the pandas, we have nearly killed them.”
More photos of pandas in separate rooms. Pandas looking forlorn.
“This is actually very upsetting,” Suz whispers.
Phoebe is concerned, too. Phoebe wonders when she will break character, morph into the opposite of herself, rip out her low ponytail, pass out vibrators for each of them, like the stripper cop who arrives at the bachelor party angry and ready to make arrests, just before she removes her pants.
But maybe this is not a character? Maybe she’s truly just here to talk about pandas. Maybe Viv was a terrible maid of honor. Phoebe should have asked the Sex Woman on the phone what it meant to be a Sex Woman. But it’s too late now. Lila is staring at the Sex Woman like this is the worst kind of Sex Woman out there: the boring kind.
“During the pandemic, when we were all stuck at home every day, I realized that we, too, were in captivity. And just like Mei Mei, I, too, stopped wanting to have sex. And the only thing that carried me through this dark time was believing that there were other miserable and sexless folks out there who felt the same.”
She started hosting Zoom sex workshops, sharing her research, her discoveries. Clips from her workshops went viral, and by the time the pandemic was over, she had helped millions of people around the world want sex again.
“What we’ve learned from studying pandas in captivity is that they are, essentially, trapped in paradise. There is too much leisure, too much comfort, too much bamboo. Too much ESPN, if you know what I mean.”
Suz nods knowingly.
“The males stopped trying and the females no longer rubbed their anal glands over nearby trees like they did in the wild,” the Sex Woman adds, and Suz stops nodding. “All their needs were met. There was no flirtation, no foreplay, no delicate dance, because through captivity, we eliminated almost all of the natural Darwinian factors in panda mating. What we know now, what we all know now, is that we can’t just put two animals in a room and expect them to have sex. We can’t even expect them to want it. So why do we expect this of ourselves?”
The Sex Woman, and her colleagues, spent years teaching the pandas how to remember to want it.
“We showed them videos of other pandas mating,” the Sex Woman says. “Videos to stimulate them.”
“Like panda porn?” Suz asks.
“Yes.”
“Do pandas actually get turned on when they watch other pandas have sex?” Nat asks.
“Of course.”
“That’s kind of beautiful,” Suz says and looks at the rest of the group. But Lila is unmoved.
“It’s not beautiful,” Lila insists. “It’s porn, Suz.”
“Yeah, but panda porn.”
“Porn is not suddenly beautiful just because two bears are doing it,” Lila says.
“Are there … like … panda storylines?” Marla asks.
“Two pandas, one a billiards champion and the other needs to learn,” Nat says.
