The feeling slammed into my chest, surprised me with its abundance, then rushed through my blood and left me dizzy. Heady and magical, and unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I wanted to paint the sky declaring this revelation, but that would have to happen another day.
Right now, I had Nik in front of me, and I wanted to take advantage of every second I had with him.
I raised my skates and pointed them to the rink. “So, you up for this? If not, we can take a rain check and do a boring dinner and movie.” Nik’s face scrunched up in dislike, and I had to laugh and say, “Or not.”
“You asking me to miss an opportunity for the two of us looking ridiculous? Naw.” He jerked his head toward the skate rental. “Let’s get it.”
Nik made it sound like he was a newbie with skating, but he wasn’t half bad. He soon caught on that I was far from a novice too, and we relaxed and had fun skating around the rink.
After a few laps, Nik tapped my arm, pointed to an exit area, and wheeled off the rink. I followed him into a quiet area with seating tucked away from the music and people.
“What the fuck, are you some secret Olympian or something?” he said in disbelief as he leaned back in the chair, running his fingers through his hair. “You move like a damn figure skater.”
A laugh burst out of me, and I bent over, pressing a hand to my stomach. “You’re giving me way too much credit. I used to ref for the derby team a couple of years ago. We got pretty into the group. It was fun.”
“Is that why you volunteered at the fundraiser?”
“No, actually, Leon caught me after support group and asked me if I could help.”
“Ah,” Nik said with a tone of understanding. “Leon and Toryn have a way of recruiting people in a way that’s too sweet to say no. But it ain’t even fake, it’s for real. They’re good people.”
“Seems like they are.”
We sat back to rest, unconsciously syncing our movements with each other as we bobbed our heads to the music. The lapse in conversation allowed my brain to wander again, memories of going to the rink with Ada so she could practice skating before going to the training sessions for the fresh meat, the evenings when she’d come back to the apartment drenched with sweat and so, so happy.
She was a favorite at the derby after-parties, and I’d never forget the surprise on her face when she scored her first MVP award. Little bits of nostalgia like this caught me off guard, weaseling into a light moment and slashing it in half.
Nik’s arm stretched over the back of my chair, his fingers brushing over my shoulder. “Hey, where’d you drift off to? Looks like you went somewhere unpleasant.”
“Sorry, took a trip down memory lane.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
I stole a glance of him out of the corner of my eye. “Sure, if you’re up for taking on the emotional labor of my woes?”
Nik made a face like I’d asked him to do something insane like climb House Mountain. “Trust me, I don’t offer time I don’t have to people.” His fingers trailed up the back of my neck, weaving through my hair. “I got plenty of time for you.”
Such simple words on their own, but strung together with the rasp of Nik’s voice and his touch, they made it impossible for me not to open up to him. He didn’t take his blue-gray eyes off of me, listening intently.
Nik leaned closer, and the heat in his eyes had my breath hitching. He whispered, “You know how you said it’s hard to think when you’re around me sometimes?” He tightened his fingers in my hair little more. “Yeah, I feel that about you too. Hard.”
His voice was both playful and sweet, so I couldn’t resist the urge to lean in and steal a kiss. He chased after me when I pulled away, placing his hand on my chest so the sensation of his touch mixed with the sensation of his kiss on my lips. Suddenly, I needed to be someplace more private with him, so I asked, “Wanna come back to my place? We could watch Netflix and order Chinese to go.”
Nik wetted his lips, fingers crawling up to my collarbone. “Yeah, sounds dope. But just so you know, I don’t put out on the first date.”
I huffed out a laugh and shook my head, leaning in for another lingering kiss. “I wouldn’t dare assume,” I murmured, our foreheads pressed together.
We walked together toward the parking lot, and with each step, the overwhelming rush of adoration and love swelled inside of me. I pulled it close to me, cradling it against my chest, wondering if Nik felt the same. A part of me wanted to keep this wonderful feeling selfishly close, so I didn’t mention it.
NIK
“If you come in and talk to Duncan, I know he’ll put you back on a probation period,” I said, leaning against my car in Sunrise’s parking lot, holding back my urge to push. Walt had been on the phone with me for the last twenty minutes, and I could tell he wasn’t sober. What he was on I had no fucking idea, but he was definitely messed up.
I was supposed to be on my way to Micah’s already, but I didn’t want to let Walt go when he was like this. No one had heard a peep from him in days, and if I let him go now, we might never hear from him again.
“C’mon, you know that’s not how it works. It’s not how it works ever. You mess up, and then people cut ya off,” Walt said, his gravelly voice rumbling through the line. “I wanted to show I could get better. I wanted to prove to my kids I was worthy to be their father, and—ah, hang on a second.”
Walt started talking to someone, but the conversation was muffled. I poked a finger in my other ear, straining to figure out where the hell he was.
I kept him on the line and listened. The sharp wit of the person I’d grown to respect had dulled. Walt was the kinda dude who had a personality that would take up the entire room, and people loved it. He didn’t have a single gripe with anyone at work, and everyone there had a bone to pick.
“You ever think maybe it’s better to not get clean?” Walt asked, his voice wobbly. “Everything I touch turns to rot. Maybe . . . maybe this is how it was all meant to be.”
My throat hurt from holding back tears. Every addict felt that way at some point, but I knew from his tone that his words were a red flag. One so bright I knew all it would take was one wrong turn and Walt would be permanently gone.
He continued to talk, but I could barely hear him over the sudden burst of voices in the background. Fuck it, if they got him off the line, at least I tried.
“Hey, why don’t you tell me where you’re at and we can hang out?”
Walt huffed a dark laugh. “Relax. I’m not doing that shit. I just hit up an old dive I used to go to, okay? I won’t do anything stupid.”
I tilted my head up to the sky, the head of the sun baking into my skin. “Are you drinking?”
“Don’t you pull that judgment with me, son,” Walt said with enough bite that I winced. “I could be out on the streets picking up whatever the fuck I wanted. At least I’m not doing that.”
I bit my tongue to stop me from snapping back. The slippery slope back into using always started with bargaining. Drinking was better than pills, which was better than snorting coke, which was better than shooting meth. In the end, it all came out the same in the wash.
“But you’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” I asked. “You’re thinking about going down to the street and scoring. All it takes is one choice.”
The answering silence was enough for me to push forward. “Let’s meet up. We can talk about this more. I can even take you to my support group tomorrow.”
“Sure,” Walt said, his tone detached. I knew immediately that I’d lost him. “Hey, I gotta go, but I’ll call you soon, and we can talk about that more.”
He hung up before I got another word in. A part of me wanted to go and scout every fucking bar Walt ever mentioned in passing, but I knew that doing it wouldn’t amount to anything. All I could do was keep my line open and wait for his call.
I shot a text to Micah letting him know that I was on my way. It was easy to distract myself from my conversation with Walt by driving, humming along to the radio, and keeping an eye on traffic. It made me crave Micah’s presence, and the closer I got to his apartment, the more excited I was to see him.
When I started walking toward his apartment, I knew something was wrong. Micah’s door was cracked open, and a woman was screaming.
“Micah, tell me now where the fuck my shit is or I am going to rip this entire place apart, I swear—” The door was yanked open, revealing a woman who shared Micah’s raven hair and icy blue eyes. There was no mistaking who she was.
To someone else, she may have looked tired, but I could see in the hollow of her cheeks and the deadness in her eyes that she was strung-out.
“Who the fuck are you?” Ada said, turning to Micah and pointing at me. “Who the fuck is this?”
“Nik,” I said, extending my hand. Ada looked at my hand and rolled her eyes, breathing out a curse before disappearing back into the apartment.
