"And if it had been a male cosmonaut," she went on, "would you feel so guilty about it?"

He stared at her. "No, I guess not."

"Why not?"

"I don't know," he said vaguely. "Men expect to fight, I guess. Ifs different . . ."

"You've let this thing hang around your neck for how long now?"

He shrugged. "Ten years, just about."

"That's long enough," Diane said firmly. "It's over. It's done with. You can't bring her back. And it wasn't your fault, to begin wi—"

"I've had all the psychology lectures," he snapped. "It was my fault. Nobody else's."

"So you've got a built-in excuse for keeping a wall around yourself and not taking any chances on getting hurt again."

"Me get hurt?"

"Yes, you! You're not worried about some Russian woman you never knew. You're worried about Chester Arthur Kinsman, worried that people won't like you if they knew you killed somebody. Worried that Leonov won't be your buddy anymore. That's what's eating at you. Not her. She's been dead for ten years."

"Don't tell me what's churning my guts!"

"Chet," Diane said more softly, leaning her head against his bare chest, "you lost control, didn't you? For the first time in your life you let your emotions take over."

"And committed murder."

"So ever since then you've kept yourself all bottled up, kept your emotions under lock and key."

He nodded silently. Diane was right, he knew.

"That's why you're so afraid to let your emotions loose again, isn't it?"

Kinsman felt tears in his eyes. "I can't, Diane. Even when I try, even in bed—I can't let myself go."

"You're a very good lover," she said.

"I'm good at the mechanics, maybe, but the emotion isn't there," he whispered, admitting it to himself more than to her. "I'm just going through the motions, conscious of every move I make."

"You could have fooled me." Diane giggled.

He smiled in the darkness. "Yeah, but I can't fool me."

Diane reached up and kissed him lightly on the lips, "My poor Chet. Even when I first met you, you were the most self-contained guy I had ever seen. All these years I couldn't figure you out."

"So now you know."

"I'm beginning to understand you." Diane sounded pleased. "I'm beginning to think maybe I can get through the wall you've built around yourself. If you let me."