“Oh,” I said and my heart started racing. I wasn’t expecting that. I’d thought our arrangement was working. Janelle got to keep the cases she liked and hand off all the clients she didn’t want to deal with to me. I can’t say I loved the work, but I didn’t hate it either. Once Janelle taught me the basics, the job became very routine. But every once in a while I felt like I was making a positive difference in someone’s life, and that was enough for now. I also liked setting my own hours and not having a boss. Maybe that’s what Janelle didn’t like about our arrangement. She was used to having an associate working for her rather than a partner with whom she shared space.
“It’s nothing personal,” Janelle said. “I wasn’t looking to leave. The firm approached me, and it just seemed like the right move, professionally.”
“Of course,” I said, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. “Which firm?”
“Cadawaler Erickson.”
“I thought you hated them. Didn’t they poach your former associate?”
Janelle smiled. “Good memory. They just merged with a national firm, and she reached out. They’re under a lot of pressure to increase their diversity.”
“And you’re okay with that?” Janelle had made derogatory comments before about big companies allegedly embracing diversity without ever changing their ways.
“I’m okay with the salary they offered. I’m tired of always feeling like I’m teetering on the edge. I can talk to them about bringing you in too if you want. Maybe as of counsel or something.”
We both knew if the firm was looking to increase their diversity, they wouldn’t be interested in hiring me. They had enough white lawyers. “Thanks, but I don’t want to go back to a big firm.”
“You sure? Because I don’t think I’m going to be able to hand off any clients to you once I leave. They’ve already got plenty of lawyers to handle those types of clients.”
“Yes, but thank you for the offer.”
“What will you do?” Janelle asked. “Are you going to stay here? Try to build up your own practice?”
Honestly, I had no idea.
Chapter 30
I waited for Janelle to leave for court before I left the office too. I went straight home, changed into sweatpants, and spent the rest of the day laying on the couch daydreaming about Before, crying about After, and generally feeling sorry for myself. I forgot I was supposed to go to my aunt’s house for dinner tonight. If I remembered, I would’ve cancelled.
The house was dark when my aunt unlocked the front door with her spare key and let herself in. She flipped on the lights and spotted me curled up on the couch. I could see she was relieved but angry too.
“Are we back to this again?” she said, joining me in the living room.
“Please go,” I replied and rolled over so she couldn’t see my tear-stained face.
She sat down on the chair closest to me. “When I couldn’t reach you, I tried MJ. At least, he answers his phone.”
“I forgot we had plans. I’m sorry.”
“He told me Janelle took another job. Is that what this is about?”
“No.”
“Then what?” she asked.
I didn’t reply. Maybe if I didn’t answer she’d leave. I just wanted to be alone with my misery.
“Have you talked to Dr. Rubenstein?”
“No,” I mumbled. “We’re taking a break.” I’d made the decision after our last session. I didn’t want a therapist who didn’t believe me.
“Do you think that’s wise?”
When I didn’t answer, Aunt Maddy smooshed in next to me on the couch and pulled one of my hands out from under the blanket. “Talk to me, sweetie. I know the grief can come out of nowhere sometimes, but did something happen to set you off?”
I nodded and sprouted fresh tears.
“Please tell me.”
So I did. I thought Aunt Maddy would think I’m crazy too. But if she did, she didn’t say so. She went into the kitchen and returned with two small glasses of white wine. The leftover from Daniel’s last visit I presumed. I sat upright but didn’t drink. “I don’t think you’re supposed to have alcohol when you’re depressed. It only makes it worse.” They’d told us that at the Wellstone Center.
“You’re right,” she said and poured the wine from my glass into hers.
“What do you think?” I asked as she sipped her drink.
She sighed. “I don’t know what to think.”
“Can you honestly tell me all these things are just random coincidences? That I’m deluding myself because I can’t accept that sometimes bad things really do happen to good people?” I’d heard many platitudes since Jonah and Amelia’s death, but that one annoyed me the most.
She set her wineglass down on the coffee table. “No. Even at the time I thought it was odd that the police never investigated.”
That jolted me. “Why am I first hearing about this now? If you were suspicious back then, why didn’t you say something?”
“I didn’t say I was suspicious. I just thought it all seemed a bit…tidy. The police get an anonymous tip, the suspect pulls a gun, the police shoot him dead. Case closed. That does happen sometimes. It’s not necessarily a sign something nefarious is going on.”
“But?”
“It’s convenient too.” She picked up her glass and swirled the wine absentmindedly. “Although even if I had been suspicious back then, I’m not sure I would’ve said anything.”
