Thursday 24th February 2022
Jess
Jess watches the boys shoot hoops. Sometimes she wishes she could join them – she’s tall enough – but one of them might tell her to fuck off and she couldn’t stand the shame. So she turns to Amber leaning against the fence next to her instead. ‘Shall we go home?’ she asks. ‘I’m freezing my tits off in this wind.’
Amber smirks. ‘What tits?’
‘Ha-ha, very funny,’ Jess responds, trying to look like it doesn’t bother her that Amber is only 11 and already wears a bigger bra size than her. ‘Honestly though, why are we even here? An empty park when it’s freezing cold and spitting rain.’
‘We’ll leave soon,’ Amber says, dismissing Jess’s request with a flick of her hand. ‘But Sean’s coming down tonight.’
‘You’re obsessed with that guy,’ Jess grumbles.
‘No I’m not,’ Amber snaps. ‘We’re good mates, that’s all. You’re just jealous.’
Jess looks at her sister like she’s crazy for suggesting that, but secretly it’s true. She is jealous. Except not in the way Amber thinks. Jess isn’t interested in Sean. She just wishes Amber would look up to her like she does to him.
‘Anyway, it’s you he wants to talk to today,’ Amber continues.
Even though it’s arctic, a sheen of sweat starts to form on the back of Jess’s neck. ‘Me? Why?’
‘He wants to thank you, for going to see Pearson today. I’ve told him about Mum, so he knows how hard it was for you.’
Jess nods slowly, unsure how she feels. She doesn’t like that Sean knows how their mum died – it’s private, and embarrassing. Murdered at home, Jess and Amber there, Tyler still in prison for it. But she likes the idea of being thanked. Sitting in Pearson’s office with those detectives this morning was proper peak; she deserves some praise.
Five minutes later, Amber tips her head towards the park’s entrance, and they watch Sean walk across the grass with some mates. She forces herself to keep her gaze steady, which is why a small whimper escapes when she sees his face up close. Amber has already shown her a photo, but it’s nothing compared to the real-life version. Sean’s right eye is swollen closed. The whole eyelid is bruised; mainly deep blue, but with a red lightning strike above his eyebrow where the skin has split. There’s more bruising around the eye and it’s working its way down his cheek too.
The last time Jess saw injuries like this were on her mum. Her knees feel wobbly, and she wonders if they’re going to fold. She shifts her gaze, just over his shoulder, and it’s enough to find control of her limbs again. ‘Wow, he really slammed you,’ she says.
‘Yeah, you noticed.’ Sean tries to smile but his face is off centre. ‘He’s out of control, that guy. And now the world’s going to know about it, thanks to you.’
‘I don’t think you needed me to tell anyone,’ Jess says, still staring at his injury. ‘I think your face does a pretty good job of that by itself.’
‘Not with the way the feds around here think. They’d always take a teacher’s side over mine. Say I got this in a gang fight or some bullshit like that. But now there’s a witness, they can’t pull that stunt.’
Jess feels both proud and scared by the responsibility. ‘Well, he definitely shouldn’t get away with that,’ she offers, nodding towards Sean’s face. She’s known Sean for about six months now, but he’s always been Amber’s friend. This is the first time they’ve had a proper conversation.
‘I heard he’s been suspended,’ Amber pipes up, edging forwards, perhaps sensing a new threat from her sister. ‘Maybe even fired. He hasn’t been in school since it happened, they reckon.’
‘That piece of shit deserves to be in jail,’ Sean says gruffly. ‘First the guy makes me stay behind because of fucking backchat, and when I refuse to apologise, he goes mental. I halfway stand up for myself and the psycho does this.’
‘Did the police take photographs?’ Jess asks. ‘Of your injury?’
‘Yeah. Yesterday. I went into school like normal, but Pearson saw me in the corridor. He asked what was up with my eye, so I told him. He sent me home, and then the feds turned up about an hour later. I told them everything, and they said they’d look into it. I didn’t think shit would happen to be honest, until I heard you’d talked to Pearson today.’
‘What did your mum say about it?’ Amber asks.
The idea of Sean having a family feels weird to Jess. He’s always seemed so old, like an adult, with mates who own cars. But he’s still at school, so he must be looked after by someone.
‘I haven’t told her,’ Sean says, his voice a mix of defensive and sad. ‘Made sure the feds and school keep their mouths shut too. She only had her operation on Tuesday, so she’ll be in the hospital for another week.’
Jess glances at Amber. Her sister doesn’t look surprised by Sean’s comment, so she must know what he’s talking about. Jess knows enough about sick mums not to ask about it, but the damage to his face makes more sense now. Like he went looking for a beating because he was worried about his mum. That doesn’t excuse the teacher though. Makes it worse in fact.
‘So you’re on your own until then?’ Amber asks. ‘Maybe I should come over – we could watch a movie or something?’
‘Thanks, but all I can think about right now is making sure that prick Rose gets his punishment.’ He leans back against the fence and kicks it with his heel. ‘I just can’t believe it’s going to take so long.’
Amber takes a side step closer to him, his brush-off already forgiven. ‘What do you mean, so long?’
Sean purses his lips, then blasts a shot of air through them. ‘The police told me. Apparently assault cases are taking months to get to court, maybe even years. And it’s not like the feds would lock Rose up on remand for one punch.’
Jess doesn’t know what these phrases mean. On remand. Months to get to court. Don’t the police just arrest you and put you in prison? That’s what happened to Tyler – she’s sure of it.
‘So what happens between now and then?’ Amber asks – and thank God she does because there’s no way Jess was going to risk speaking.
Sean shrugs. ‘Nothing. Rose will probably be chucked out of school, but he won’t get done properly until the court case. Let’s just hope Jess remembers what she put on her statement when it finally comes around.’
Jess’s head jerks as she hears her name. ‘Me? What do you mean?’
‘Well, you’ll have to go to court, won’t you? Tell the judge what you saw?’
‘Court?’ Jess’s mouth is so dry she can hardly speak.
Sean pulls back his face until it looks somewhere between disapproving and confused. ‘What did you think was going to happen?’
‘I, I don’t know,’ Jess mumbles. She feels unsteady on her feet. She wonders if she’s going to faint. Then Amber’s hand slips discreetly into hers, and the feel of her sister’s cold fingers are just enough to settle her.
ONE YEAR BEFORE
Tuesday 16th May 2023
Jess
‘Come on, Jess. At least eat the mash.’ Lou’s voice whines. Pleads. Frustration hovering underneath.
Jess doesn’t want to cause another argument, and she’s not keen on seeing Lou cry again either, so she dips her fork into the grey-white stodge and scoops up the smallest bit she can. Three little peaks of mashed potato on the fork’s prongs goad her. What are you going to do now, bitch? She jams her eyes closed – a perverse attempt to shut out the voices – and forces the gunk into her mouth. She almost gags, but somehow manages to control her reflex and it mercifully slides down her throat.
Lou looks relieved. Justin hardly looks at her at all anymore. Not for the last six months at least. She’s heard them arguing about it, hissed whispers through the thin bedroom wall when she’s supposed to be asleep. Justin admitting that he doesn’t understand it. She’s already skinny, he says. So if that’s why she’s doing it, congratulations, Jess, you’ve got what you want. And then Lou explains – always crossly – that it’s nowhere near that simple. That Jess has a serious mental health condition with physical symptoms. And that the effort it takes to put one morsel of food in her mouth is like swimming a mile against the strongest current. Jess doesn’t understand why Lou gets it. But it’s probably got something to do with her trawling eating disorder websites and reading a load of books.
Except she doesn’t always get it. Like now. Lou’s expression has already changed; the relief gone. She’s not thinking about the hellish current Jess is swimming against; she just wants Jess to eat more, and more, until she finishes the whole fucking plateful. A burst of anger fills Jess’s chest – why does everyone always want stuff from her? Things she’s not capable of giving them? She pushes back her chair, flips open the bin, and deposits the food in one motion.
‘Jess!’ Lou cries out. ‘Why did you do that?!’
‘I’m not hungry,’ she mutters.
‘You can’t live on thin air, for God’s sake!’
‘She ate loads of biscuits after school,’ Amber pipes up. ‘That’s why she can’t finish her dinner; that’s right, isn’t it, Jess?’
