“I was. I was questioning everything. About me, mostly.” Rebekah’s palms went clammy. “Mostly, I thought you would not want me anymore. Wouldn’t want there to be an us anymore.”
Joseph nodded. “I understand. Because if you don’t truly understand something, you can’t love it. Right?”
“Right. Exactly right.”
“Sounds like you two think the same already.” Peter huffed. “I don’t see how there could be any problems here.”
Joseph continued. “Well, that night I went for a walk. Katie was there.”
Whatever comfort had creeped in between the three of them disappeared with Joseph’s words.
“Shall I continue?”
Rebekah and Peter nodded, but said nothing.
“She asked what was wrong, and we spoke a bit. I told her I was going for a walk, and she joined me. Over the course of the walk, I realized she was growing closer and closer. I poured out my heart to her.” He faltered. “I should have been pouring out my heart to you, Rebekah. And I knew that.”
Cool tears tracked down Rebekah’s flushed cheeks. Despite trying to quell them with a sniffle, they refused to be staunched. It should have been me, I agree.
“She moved in to kiss me, saying it should have been she and I the entire time.”
Rebekah found a loose pillow and clutched it to her middle. It did nothing to stop the dull ache there.
“That was when I did what I should have done before and I stopped it.” He lifted his face and looked first at Rebekah, then at Peter. “I stopped what never should have started. And it will never start again. Even if you’d said no to me, I still wouldn’t have gone to Katie.”
He reached his hand over and placed it on hers. It wasn’t until then Rebekah noticed that Joseph’s was quivering just as much as hers. “You’re the one for me, if you’ll have me. I’m sorry, Rebekah; I’m sorry for not telling you before. Can you forgive me?”
God help me. Please.
“Only if you can forgive me, Joseph. Forgive me for doubting you, for doubting us.” She turned her hand over and accepted his trembling fingers. She gripped them tightly, and he did the same.
“There was nothing to forgive. I just regret that I wasn’t mature enough to stand by you in your time of need.” His blue eyes were hot sapphires. And they burned. “I will never make that mistake again. Let me prove it to you.”
“And me to you.” She didn’t have to force the smile that found her lips. “Let’s never let this happen again.”
Joseph raised their clasped fingers to his lips and brushed her skin with a dry kiss. “Never again.”
Peter propped one leg up on his knee. “Well, I am certainly glad you two worked out your differences.” His voice wasn’t demeaning and it wasn’t taunting. It was morose. He sucked in another breath. It sounded as though it was holding back tears. “I knew you two had your issues with Katie, and I knew that she had her issues with you two. But from the sound of it, she brought all of this on herself.”
“Oh Peter,” Rebekah began.
Peter held up one hand. “You two got to talk. Now it’s my turn.” He sniffled and brushed his nose with the back of his hand. “She told me things.”
Rebekah took care not to untwine her fingers from Joseph’s, but turned her attention to Peter. Joseph did too.
“She told me how she feels she pales in comparison to you, Rebekah. How she feels her faith isn’t as strong as yours, and her piety isn’t as strong as yours. That you, my sweet sister, are closer to perfection in every sense of the word. You’re a more perfect Amish and a more perfect person. And she wants what you have.” Peter glanced at Joseph. “I think that’s where you come in, Joseph. She wants what Rebekah has. To be looked at as Rebekah is.”
Peter continued. “I knew all of this. Yet I still wanted her for my own. To join in a life with me. I just don’t know if I’m going to be enough for her. Or if she ever even wanted me at all.”
Chapter Nine
On the Train to NYC
“If I never ride on another train, it will be too soon.” Never had Rebekah heard Joseph grumble before, but he did this morning. She felt grumbly too, but said nothing. Mostly, the righteous ache in her neck and shoulder were a damper on her mood.
After their heart bleeding session the day before, everyone had been mostly quiet. Peter especially. Though emptied of the emotions that had weighed her down for so long, her heart was filled with a new emotion. An ache for her brother. She couldn’t fix it, she couldn’t make it better. She could do nothing except be there for him, and hopefully be a beacon of God’s love for him.
Finally, she let her eyes flutter open. She’d fallen asleep facing the window, her back to Joseph and her brother. There before her very eyes, God’s creation flew by through the lens of the train’s window. God, all of this is in Your hands. Please, be with my brother. Heal the ache in his heart and fill it with Your love. Give him the wisdom he needs to discern what to do with his life. Amen.
A quiet answer blanketed her tender heart.
Gelassenheit.
God’s will be done.
She smiled a tiny smile and sat up to stretch. There he was, the man who promised all of his tomorrows to her, sitting in the seat across from her. His black hair was askew, uncovered by the black wool hat that occupied the seat beside him.
“Good morning, Joseph.” Rebekah reached to straighten her covering, which felt all twisted and turned. And probably was. She scanned the immediate area. Several more people had joined their car. From where they’d come from, Rebekah wasn’t sure. Perhaps they’d stopped somewhere over night, or perhaps they’d simply grown tired of sitting in their seats elsewhere on the train and wanted a change of scenery. No matter, the one face she was looking for wasn’t anywhere to be found. Peter.
“Good morning, Rebekah.” Joseph ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up all the more.
She was powerless to stifle her giggle, but the catch in her neck made her jerk.
Joseph’s smile faded and he stuck his hat on to cover up his wild mane. “What’s the matter, Rebekah?”
“The night Pa took sick, I ran into the doorjamb. It really hurt my shoulder.” She tried to rotate it, but stopped. “Then I slept funny in the wagon on the way to Montgomery. Seems I caught a crick something awful.”
“Here, maybe I can help.” Joseph stood up and made a motion with his hand. “Turn around.”
