I woke up today in a foul mood. This was due to being struck away from my lovely, peaceful deep sleep. Not all nights allow deep sleep, so I appreciate them when they occur. Alas, work had other plans. So, if work starts at 9am I need to be up and out the door in 45 minutes, I can totally manage this. I’m actually a very organised person, I like things better when they are planned accordingly. I can’t handle being late so even though my mood is foul, I have this all under control.
As I’m en-route to work via public transport, (driving would just give me anxiety) I ponder the thought, I bet almost half these people on the way to work are questioning their life choices. I mean I definitely am. Hi my name is Mel, and I work in an office. I could have introduced myself at the start, but I wanted to dive right in. What type of office worker am I, you might ask? I am an office manager. Totally suits my personality and the need for organisation. Do I enjoy being an office manager? A very good question. Honest answer, I like work how I like everything else, mood depending.
The guy with the red and white spotty tie catches my eye, he looks jolly, he doesn’t seem to have the same expression as me and others on this train journey. Maybe he is happy with his life choices, or maybe he is just a professional at hiding his true emotions. I for one currently have a resting bitch face, this is evident for all who dare look at me. I see a ring, so he is married, I reckon he also has a few kids, no evidence to suggest this but I have a feeling. The vibe a person gives off can be very telling, however, do we ever really know anyone? Deep for a Tuesday morning I know. For the rest of the journey, I pull out my paperback, there is nothing I love more than a good ole read, anywhere at any time.
As I edge closer to the building where I work, I get a sudden shudder. This shudder was brought on with the knowledge I am going to have to face my work colleagues. I like my work colleagues but only in small doses, this is challenging considering I have to spend 8 hours with them every weekday. Lorna is the accountant; Mark is the receptionist and Lulu is the intern. Lorna is lovely; however, she loves to gossip and also loves to chit chat about life in general ALL OF THE TIME. Mark is a bit of a twat, he thinks the world revolves around him and lastly, we have Lulu, she is also lovely, but has no real work ethic and floats around the office for the most part.
The first person I have to face is Mark, being the receptionist, he is the face of the company as it were, and he most definitely likes to babble on about this fact. I try to avoid eye contact with Mark, this is clearly rude, but that doesn’t stop him. “Morning Mel, good weekend? Mine was great, the strangest thing happened to me…” I cut Mark off with a I’m not in the mood for your shit today glare as I walk past, and he just laughs. He is fully aware of my mood swings and finds them amusing, this works in my favour as he leaves me alone. Guys like Mark require your full attention when they are talking to you about anything, no matter how uninterested you may be. He won’t get any enjoyment out of a conversation unless you make him feel like the only man in the world. I take a detour into the kitchen first, to pop my lunch box into the fridge, Lulu floats in, on cue. “Hi Mel, how are you?”
“Lulu as much as I would love to chat, busy day ahead, bye now.”
I would have said you know the drill, but as previously mentioned, Lulu does not know the drill, and she never will.
Finally, I’m in my office, my solace, my quiet place. “MELLLLLLLLLLLL, darling,”
Oh no, it’s Lorna. I have asked the boss for a lock; (he did look at me rather strangely when this was suggested) and to my surprise, he said no. No lock means uninvited guests enter my office whenever they want. “Mel, did you hear me?”
Unfortunately, I did hear her. “Hi Lorna, what do I owe this pleasure?”
“Well, I just wanted to check in, see what’s happening in Mel’s world.”
“Lorna, nothing new, sorry to disappoint. I’m super busy today, so can you please give me some space?” “Sure honey, I’ll give you the update on my date last weekend at lunchtime. Are you still going at around 12:30pm?”
“Erm, that’s the plan, but plans can change. Maybe I’ll see you later, have a good day now Lorna.”
PEACE AT LAST.
Chapter 2
Home time is the best time, sure I love keeping myself busy and having a purpose but even so, I don’t like people that much. Being at home, I am only responsible for entertaining myself, and my two hamsters. I could have gone for a cat but I don’t feel as if I want too much responsibility at this point in my young life. I’m not that young, I’m just lazy and selfish. I would ask you to guess my age but I guarantee you’d get it wrong. I am 32, yes, 32 is my age. Moving swiftly on, as I am only cooking for one, microwave meal it is. I don’t know why people knock microwave meals, I mean I make sure it’s Tesco’s finest range or from Marks & Spencer’s as to affirm my high standards. As my beef stroganoff is circling in the microwave, I plan my evening ahead. After dinner, tea, and a mince pie, whilst eating said mince pie and drinking said tea, I will watch dinner date on Netflix. Perfect evening.
Here’s the 411 on dinner date (whether you care to know or not), it’s a dating show (you could’ve guessed that surely) whereby a singleton, looks at menus cooked by five other singletons, and out of the five presented, three will go on a blind date with the singleton looking at the menus. Decent program to watch to pass the time however, some of the contestants are absolute TWATS. I do sit there for the most part swearing at the TV and trying to understand why these people act the way they do. You want to know why someone is single, just watch them on a dating show.
Coco and Pops my babies also enjoy a bit of dinner date, they run around in their little exercise balls and pause in front of the TV. I mean I can’t be sure they are watching the TV but I like to think Coco and Pops are special hamsters who can recognise more than the typical hamster. Or maybe it’s just a way to make me feel as if I’m not watching TV all alone. Drink anyone? Just kidding, I am a strong, independent woman who does not need a man. I have my fabulous job, my fabulous ‘rented’ flat, fabulous friends, you get the idea, I have a FABULOUS life, (sarcasm will get you everywhere). I’ll just grab that drink now.
Deep into an episode of dinner date, my phone dings and it is my best friend. My best friend is my mother, I have other friends (that I can count on one hand) but alas, mum is my numero uno. I’m not surprised by this message as mum messages me at the same time, same day every week, just to check in. Mum is under the impression that I have a FABULOUS life but the truth of the matter is, it’s simply average. I don’t have the heart to tell her this though, I just exaggerate things for her to make her happy and tell a little white lie, maybe five. She’ll say things like, “How’s work dear?”
And I find myself saying things like, “I had just the best day, I got so much done, had a girly lunch with my work friends, drinks with the team after work.” When the reality is, my day was actually mediocre, I got disturbed at lunchtime by Lorna and Lulu, (they ambushed me in Pret and took it upon themselves to share my table) and lastly, everyone else went for drinks while I went home as soon as the clock struck 5:00pm. Mum is satisfied for now, until next week. I wonder how creative I’ll have to get, if I continue to lie to my mum, I’ll worry about that later.
Chapter 3
I do wonder if people think as much as I do, are people also living inside their head more than they’d like to admit? I am fully aware I live inside my head; acceptance is key to making sure you live life every day as best you can, despite the flaws you feel you and your life have. It’s Monday again, like it is every week, whose idea was it to make us work five days a week and rest for two? I feel as if a four-day week and a three-day weekend would be way more appropriate. Alas, I do not rule the world. To start my day the right way, I pop into the coffee shop by the station for a cappuccino, it will always either be a cappuccino or a flat white for me, they hit the spot. I much prefer the specialty coffee places, sure I can enjoy a caramel macchiato and I can also enjoy a pumpkin spiced latte from Starbucks but they don’t quite compare. After I finish my coffee, I instantly feel chirpier, the small things in life truly are taken for granted, give me a good cup of coffee or a square of chocolate, I’ll be delighted.
Work is quiet, and when work is quiet, I browse social media, discreetly of course. Instagram takes first place, I’m not too interested in other people, I am interested however, in interior design and artwork. I scroll through and save my favourites, after around 10 minutes I move on. Tinder is next, this brings me less joy as swiping through the eligible men these days is painful. No matter how painful it is, I keep swiping don’t I? I finally got a match with someone, his name is James, he’s in Marketing and he’s “a dog person”.
The number of guys I match with who are obsessed with a girl they date being a dog person. Why do these things matter so much? How does being a dog person assist anyone in a relationship, it’s madness. With this in mind I still organise to meet him because A) it’s a night out and B) because I need to put myself out there (need a story to tell mum).
We agreed to meet at All Bar One at Liverpool Street station around 8pm, lucky I dressed smart casual today so my attire is date appropriate. I like All Bar One so if the guy is the worst, at least I can get 2 for 1 cocktail for myself, I will have a good time even if I’m wasted on a first date.
Chapter 4
As if his profile wasn’t enough of a slight red flag, he is late. I am a very punctual person so therefore being late is a major red flag. When I’m just about to head home, due to being left standing outside the bar for 20 minutes, as if like magic, James appears. At least he looks like his pictures, catfishing is all the rage these days and luckily, I have not yet been a victim of this. James hurries over and apologises profusely for his lateness, I accept his apology for the two reasons I accepted the date earlier so we head into the bar. We start the general chit chat, small talk, you expect from a first date and it’s going alright so far. I am counting the minutes until he brings up the whole dog thing and right on cue, James asks me, “So Mel, are you a cat or dog person?”
And he was doing so well. “I am neither a cat nor a dog person James, I am merely a person who would be happy to own either a dog or a cat. I actually have two hamsters at home.”
James stares at me blankly, clearly this is not the answer he was hoping for, I smile and take a sip from my mojito and await a response.
Four Mojitos in and I can confirm I am tipsy. James is rambling on about his work, his friends, and he hasn’t asked me a question about myself in the last 30 minutes. I’m ready to call it a night, I’m suddenly craving a Big Mac and cannot stand listening to James any further. “Sorry to interrupt, as lovely as this was, I’m going to head out, take care James.”
I don’t wait to hear his response; I just haul my ass out of there to McDonald’s. The beauty of online dating my dear friends.
Chapter 5
Tuesdays are just as bad as Mondays. However, they are a lot worse with a hangover. Just in case you’re interested, the Big Mac was amazing, as well as the 6 nuggets and mozzarella dippers I decided to get along with it. When I drink, I get hungry, real hungry so therefore I unleash my inner pig and munch out. As I’m staring at the computer screen wishing I was at home under my duvet wallowing in self-pity I can’t help but feel as if I’m going to scream. This inside scream happens rather regularly for me, it’s a problem.
As previously mentioned, my work colleagues are infuriatingly social and they do not take a day off even when I’m hungover. Lorna approaches my desk; she probably notices that I’ve had my head on the table for the best part of an hour and feels the need to start a dialogue with me. “Hey Mel, rough night?”
All I can muster is a mumble. This dissatisfies her so she decides to lift my head up off the table to get a response. The audacity, who in the hell does she think she is. “Lorna, please do not do that EVER AGAIN. I cannot promise I will not resort to violence.”
“Oooo sorry miss stroppy pants, I was just wondering if you’d like a little pick me up, say a smoothie from across the road? It could do wonders for your hangover.”
The inside scream that was brewing earlier is now in full swing and I actually audibly scream at Lorna.
Unsurprisingly she is shocked, her mouth is wide open and she just stares at me. Ok maybe that scream was a little over the top, but she brought it upon herself! Lorna leaves my office in silence and I suspect I will not be receiving a smoothie.
Chapter 6
It’s finally the end of the day and I assume Lorna told everyone else in the office about my little outburst earlier as no one and I mean no one has entered my office since. The hangover did not improve during the course of the day so therefore the train journey home was horrendous. Every chair I could find I sat down on but due to the commute home being during rush hour I did not get a seat on the train. I ended up leaning, or should I say falling into multiple people and they were not amused. I was in such a state, they were probably close to calling the transport police and informing them of a drunk and disorderly woman on the northern line.
