Chapter 3

I do wonder if people think as much as I do, are people also living inside their head more than they’d like to admit? I am fully aware I live inside my head; acceptance is key to making sure you live life every day as best you can, despite the flaws you feel you and your life have. It’s Monday again, like it is every week, whose idea was it to make us work five days a week and rest for two? I feel as if a four-day week and a three-day weekend would be way more appropriate. Alas, I do not rule the world. To start my day the right way, I pop into the coffee shop by the station for a cappuccino, it will always either be a cappuccino or a flat white for me, they hit the spot. I much prefer the specialty coffee places, sure I can enjoy a caramel macchiato and I can also enjoy a pumpkin spiced latte from Starbucks but they don’t quite compare. After I finish my coffee, I instantly feel chirpier, the small things in life truly are taken for granted, give me a good cup of coffee or a square of chocolate, I’ll be delighted.

Work is quiet, and when work is quiet, I browse social media, discreetly of course. Instagram takes first place, I’m not too interested in other people, I am interested however, in interior design and artwork. I scroll through and save my favourites, after around 10 minutes I move on. Tinder is next, this brings me less joy as swiping through the eligible men these days is painful. No matter how painful it is, I keep swiping don’t I? I finally got a match with someone, his name is James, he’s in Marketing and he’s “a dog person”.

The number of guys I match with who are obsessed with a girl they date being a dog person. Why do these things matter so much? How does being a dog person assist anyone in a relationship, it’s madness. With this in mind I still organise to meet him because A) it’s a night out and B) because I need to put myself out there (need a story to tell mum).

We agreed to meet at All Bar One at Liverpool Street station around 8pm, lucky I dressed smart casual today so my attire is date appropriate. I like All Bar One so if the guy is the worst, at least I can get 2 for 1 cocktail for myself, I will have a good time even if I’m wasted on a first date.

Chapter 4

As if his profile wasn’t enough of a slight red flag, he is late. I am a very punctual person so therefore being late is a major red flag. When I’m just about to head home, due to being left standing outside the bar for 20 minutes, as if like magic, James appears. At least he looks like his pictures, catfishing is all the rage these days and luckily, I have not yet been a victim of this. James hurries over and apologises profusely for his lateness, I accept his apology for the two reasons I accepted the date earlier so we head into the bar. We start the general chit chat, small talk, you expect from a first date and it’s going alright so far. I am counting the minutes until he brings up the whole dog thing and right on cue, James asks me, “So Mel, are you a cat or dog person?”

And he was doing so well. “I am neither a cat nor a dog person James, I am merely a person who would be happy to own either a dog or a cat. I actually have two hamsters at home.”

James stares at me blankly, clearly this is not the answer he was hoping for, I smile and take a sip from my mojito and await a response.

Four Mojitos in and I can confirm I am tipsy. James is rambling on about his work, his friends, and he hasn’t asked me a question about myself in the last 30 minutes. I’m ready to call it a night, I’m suddenly craving a Big Mac and cannot stand listening to James any further. “Sorry to interrupt, as lovely as this was, I’m going to head out, take care James.”

I don’t wait to hear his response; I just haul my ass out of there to McDonald’s. The beauty of online dating my dear friends.

Chapter 5

Tuesdays are just as bad as Mondays. However, they are a lot worse with a hangover. Just in case you’re interested, the Big Mac was amazing, as well as the 6 nuggets and mozzarella dippers I decided to get along with it. When I drink, I get hungry, real hungry so therefore I unleash my inner pig and munch out. As I’m staring at the computer screen wishing I was at home under my duvet wallowing in self-pity I can’t help but feel as if I’m going to scream. This inside scream happens rather regularly for me, it’s a problem.

As previously mentioned, my work colleagues are infuriatingly social and they do not take a day off even when I’m hungover. Lorna approaches my desk; she probably notices that I’ve had my head on the table for the best part of an hour and feels the need to start a dialogue with me. “Hey Mel, rough night?”

All I can muster is a mumble. This dissatisfies her so she decides to lift my head up off the table to get a response. The audacity, who in the hell does she think she is. “Lorna, please do not do that EVER AGAIN. I cannot promise I will not resort to violence.”

“Oooo sorry miss stroppy pants, I was just wondering if you’d like a little pick me up, say a smoothie from across the road? It could do wonders for your hangover.”

The inside scream that was brewing earlier is now in full swing and I actually audibly scream at Lorna.

Unsurprisingly she is shocked, her mouth is wide open and she just stares at me. Ok maybe that scream was a little over the top, but she brought it upon herself! Lorna leaves my office in silence and I suspect I will not be receiving a smoothie.

Chapter 6

It’s finally the end of the day and I assume Lorna told everyone else in the office about my little outburst earlier as no one and I mean no one has entered my office since. The hangover did not improve during the course of the day so therefore the train journey home was horrendous. Every chair I could find I sat down on but due to the commute home being during rush hour I did not get a seat on the train. I ended up leaning, or should I say falling into multiple people and they were not amused. I was in such a state, they were probably close to calling the transport police and informing them of a drunk and disorderly woman on the northern line.

Home at last, the first thing I do is check in on Coco and Pops, “Hello my pretties! How are my babies this evening?”

They squeal in delight; I’m hoping it’s delight anyway and I take this as a confirmation that they are fabulous. Whenever I feel like crap, I stand under the shower head for a good 30 minutes. It seems to have done the trick as I now feel as if I could stomach some food. I pull open the fridge and peruse my options; macaroni and cheese, beef hotpot or bread. I go for the bread, toast and butter it is. I do love peanut butter, jam and marmalade but the thought of adding some flavour to my toast makes me feel a tad nauseous.

I don’t know what it is but whenever I eat bread, I must have tea afterwards. I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way, I would see it as pretty standard. I’m exhausted so I curl up in bed, chuck on an episode of dinner date and fall into a blissful sleep.

Chapter 7

The rest of the week drags but thankfully as the team at work craved attention at all costs I was forgiven for my previous actions on Tuesday. Work was back to normal and I was bombarded constantly, sure this was annoying as hell but when work is dragging distractions are welcome. The team decided to go to a local bar after work on Friday, I politely declined as I did not want a repeat of Tuesday.

On Saturdays I do try to lie in but the body and mind does not always cooperate and I found myself waking up at 7:30am. To pass some time I decided to read the book on my side table. Half an hour later I decided it’s time to make some coffee and plan my day. I call around a couple of my friends to see if they’d like to grab some brunch and Hannah is free. Hannah is a friend of mine from college, we don’t get to see each other much seeing as she has two children so her hands are full pretty much all of the time. The boys are with their father today so we can grab brunch.

We decided to meet at our regular spot, I see her approaching the table and we embrace. “How the hell are you, Han? It’s been a while!”

“Hey Mel, I’m doing great thanks, the boys had their school pantomime last Tuesday and it was the cutest thing, I’ve recorded it and I took the liberty of making you a copy.”

Given this is a very sweet and thoughtful thing to do, I’m not exactly a kid’s person. I’m not broody in the slightest but I do love her little boys. I think I love them way more knowing I can see them as little or as much as I like but they always go back to their mum. “Oh Han, that’s super sweet of you, I’ll watch it tomorrow.”

The rest of the catch-up was lovely and I did miss Hannah. I decided to walk home to get some exercise and walking always gives me time to think and de-stress. I pull out my phone and give mum a call. I love to hear her voice when I’m feeling contemplative as it’s reassuring. Mum is doing well; she doesn’t seem to have off days and I envy her for this. I told her about the date and how it was unsuccessful and I could hear her sigh down the phone. My mum is traditional and would love nothing more than for me to get married and have children. I don’t want to disappoint her but I also have to stay true to myself and I cannot guarantee I will have that conventional life she so craves. We end the call saying we love each other and to catch up soon.

Chapter 8

It’s Wednesday and we’re having a team meeting. It is brought to our attention that a new person will be joining the company and they will be arriving tomorrow morning. I hope it’s a guy, a hot guy who ends up being my dream man and we live happily ever after. Ok maybe not happily ever after as this is real life and not a fairytale but it would be nice to date someone who I didn’t meet through tinder. I know people say dating people at work is a bad idea but let’s be honest, we’re all adults and we spend more time at work than anywhere else. It is extremely likely you will find someone you are attracted to at work and I’m completely down for it.

Today is the day the newbie starts. I’m not trying to find the love of my life but I would really like some male company and if it turns into more, great. Office romances can also be fun, they spice up your life. All the running around in secret, the sexual tension during team meetings, I live for it.

I’m at my desk and that moment has arrived. Mark knocks on my door and introduces Josh. “Hi Mel, this is Josh, he will be the new marketing executive.”

Josh is fit, he reminds me of Clark Kent, he has glasses with dark brown curly hair and is a respectable 5’11”. Who doesn’t fancy Clark Kent? “Hi Josh, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

I take his hand in mine and try to give him a strong handshake but due to his attractiveness my hands are clammy. What a great first impression, damp hands. “Mel, it’s great to meet you too. I’m really looking forward to working with you.” My knees go weak, lucky I’m sitting down.

Chapter 9

Josh has been working with us for about 3 weeks now. It’s lunchtime and I’m sitting in the kitchen eating my tuna Mayo sandwich and Josh sits next to me. He has a cheese and pickle sandwich; this only makes me fancy him more. I love cheese and pickles. “Afternoon Mel, good day so far?” I seem to always become tongue tied around him; this is the case whenever I fancy someone. “Josh, heyyyyyy! It’s been great, thanks, how about yours?”

“It’s been very productive.”

“That’s great, I’m so happy for you. Good choice in sandwich filling by the way, I love cheese.”

“I love cheese too,” Josh replies. With that, I yelp goodbye and scurry to my office. If I don’t pull myself together there is no chance of me and Josh having sex once let alone starting a glorious affair.

Whilst daydreaming in my office, I ponder a game plan on how to get Josh into bed. I don’t dress badly for work but I could look a whole lot better so I decided I needed to go shopping. I need to get new clothes and maybe if I’m feeling fancy enough a new perfume. If I look sexy enough and smell sexy enough, I’m sure my confidence will skyrocket and Josh will start drooling in my presence. Good plan.

The clock strikes 5pm and I make my way to Oxford Street. I have a little thought about the best place to buy sexy yet sophisticated clothes and Zara comes to mind. Zara is a little bit pricey but I only needed a few statement pieces plus they also do perfume. Killing two birds with one stone sounds good to me. When I think about that phrase it is quite violent isn’t it? I do wonder sometimes why we say certain things. I mean let’s take nursery rhymes as an example. Rock-a-bye-baby is about a baby falling out of a tree to its death. Humpty Dumpty also falls to his death and ring-a-ring-a-roses is literally about the bubonic plague. I digress.

I found the statement pieces I wish to purchase and now I’m saturating myself in perfume. There are so many choices, they all smell so good. I decided to go for gardenia. After paying for my new things and leaving the store I think to myself dang girl, you’re going to look and smell amazing. I was right, investing in a little self-care has given me more confidence and I’m feeling super happy. On the way back to the station to start my journey home I walked past a McDonald’s. I turned myself around and thought, while I’m in treat myself mode … I leave with a McChicken sandwich meal and a hot apple pie in hand.

Chapter 10

Today would be the day I would start seducing Josh. I’m totally hoping it doesn’t require too much effort on my part. I have a picture in my head of how this will go down. I’ll sashay into the office leaving my gorgeous scent along the way, Josh will smell it and then decide to follow the smell. The smell will lead him to my office where I will be sitting on my desk, leaning slightly back and he will just fall apart. He will look me up and down, taking in every inch of my sexy yet sophisticated look and then rush over and kiss me.

This does not happen however. What happens is I walk in; Josh doesn’t even bat an eyelid. I get to my office, get in position and wait a whole 10 minutes before I realise, he isn’t coming. Rather than seeing this for what it was I made up excuses for his reaction. He is clearly playing hard to get, he knows he would not be able to control himself and since he just started working here, he couldn’t risk getting fired. As the day goes on Josh comes into my office three times with work related questions and I behave in the strangest way. I can tell he felt super uncomfortable in my presence and I don’t blame him.

The first time he came in he asked me how I was. I responded with, “Better now I’ve seen you.”

Believe me, it only gets worse. The second time he asked me for some paper. I collected the paper from the stationary cupboard and handed it to him while maintaining eye contact. He tried to take the paper out of my hands but I would not let go of the paper. He gave a final strong tug and managed to take the paper from my clutches. The fact that he visited a third time today was a shock to me. The poor bugger, he must have been absolutely terrified.

Chapter 11