The sky began turning black, and what little light that was making it through the clouds shrivelled into nothingness. Every tree in the cemetery shed its leaves in synchronisation, and the grass underfoot me turned to ash. The very ground disappeared underneath me, and I was granted my wish. I started falling at speed down a huge shaft made from soil and earth. I fell for what felt like miles, gathering speed as I continued down the passage in freefall. I extended my arms, and my fingernails started to drag in the dirt walls of the mud chute to try to slow my fall. I could just make out the bottom of it, and there lay a single coffin. Just before I made an impact with it, everything turned completely black, and I was left unconscious.
XIII
THE HERMIT
AMELIA
The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the flickering fluorescent light above me and the brown-stained ceiling tiles surrounding it. The light popped with every flicker, each time making my skull-splitting headache even worse. I had no idea where I was, but I barely had enough energy to turn my head. A doctor came into my field of vision, but I could barely focus on him because he was that blurred. He shined a small torch in my eyes, and I closed my eyes in response.
“Do you know where you are? Amelia?” The doctor asked.
“No. What happened?” I asked wearily.
“You are in Bridlington Hospital. You were found unresponsive next to some tablets; we think you overdosed. I have to ask, were you intending to harm yourself?”
“No, I had a panic attack. The tablets are prescribed to me.”
“How many did you take?”
“About six. Maybe more. I’m not sure.”
“That is very dangerous, Amelia. We’ve checked your records, and they say you are pregnant, too?” the doctor asked, looking vexed.
“Is the baby okay?” I said.
“The baby will be fine, and so will you. You just need to rest now,” the doctor explained calmly.
For the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I actually felt the sting of parental instinct. My child was innocent and hadn’t even been born yet, but I’d threatened its life. Even though I knew it was a paranoid manifestation of my overdosed state, Harry was right, and I felt repulsive about it. His words had cut into me deeply, and at that moment, I would have given anything to undo all the damage that I’d caused him. The only part of him that still existed was nestled safely in my womb, and I had a renewed urge to protect it at all costs. Maybe all the mistakes I’d made would be somehow forgiven if I managed to keep it safe. That was the only thing Harry was wrong about. I was going to keep the baby.
“We had to give you Flumazenil, which counteracts the Alprazolam in your system. You might have some mild side effects like dizziness or a headache, but it should be all out of your system quickly,” the doctor explained.
“Thank you, doctor,” I replied.
“Are you experiencing any chest pains or shortness of breath?”
“Not anymore, I just feel rough,” I said with my hand on my head, “can those pills I took cause hallucinations?”
“Those drugs in the right quantity can be very dangerous. There have been reports of extreme paranoia and hallucinations given the right circumstances. Did you experience some hallucinations?”
“I think so.”
“Usually, it’s a delusion of whatever you are struggling with to begin with. Alprazolam is a very strong drug, which is why it isn’t usually prescribed in the UK. May I ask where you got the tablets from?”
“I have a private prescription.”
“I see. I’d recommend seeing the doctor and changing to something more appropriate. You should continue taking it in the prescribed dose until then. It can be quite addictive.”
“Thank you, doctor. I will.”
“You have a visitor outside. We were unable to get in touch with your next of kin. Would you like to see them?”
“Sure.”
The doctor returned my chart to the end of the bed and continued making his rounds. I’d never felt so nauseated in my life. When I was remembering the hallucination, it felt entirely real. It was the same kind of feeling as when you have an argument with someone in a dream, and you wake up still angry. Harry had never spoken to me like that, ever. Every single insecurity I’d held over the years was repeated back at me with malice. I kept telling myself that it was just an illusion and it was my own paranoia talking, but I knew that everything he said about me was true. I started this journey to discover more about Harry, and I had to accept it meant looking at some hard truths about myself, too.
The door opened, and Kim sheepishly walked in with a punnet of grapes. For the first time ever, I didn’t roll my eyes at her. I felt guilty for speaking to her the way I did; she was only trying to put my mind at ease. If someone had spoken to me like that, there was no way I would be coming to their bedside bearing gifts. I needed to put aside my own obsessions and paranoia and accept that she was just trying to help. In a way, she was the only friend I had left.
“How did you know I was here?” I asked.
“I came back to apologise when they were putting you in the ambulance. How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Rotten. You?”
“Guilty.”
“Why?”
“I shouldn’t have left you there like that. I could see you were struggling. I should have been kinder. I’m sorry.”
“You are fine, honestly. I’m sorry for how I spoke to you.”
Kim sat down on the chair beside the bed and offered me a grape, which I refused. She took one herself and entered a reflective state. I could see her building up to say something in her usual way, and I turned my head to make eye contact with her keenly.
“The doctor mentioned it. You never said you were pregnant,” Kim said softly.
“It never came up,” I uttered.
