Sure, Callan liked me now, but when it came down to it, I didn’t feel beautiful enough to be loved the way other women were. I had a C-section scar, stretch marks—nothing about my body was the same from before I had her. And while I loved my body for growing and birthing my baby, it didn’t stop my thoughts from spiraling.
From the fear of rejection from kicking in.
From my insecurities shining through, despite being told I was attractive or beautiful.
Because in the end, when I rarely looked in the mirror and saw my body for what it was now, all I had were my thoughts. And those thoughts weren’t always on my side.
***
I’d been at Bell Buckle Brews for thirty minutes and was already told by Gemma twice that I needed to dial back on the “cheeriness.”
Was it a crime for a girl to be happy?
I wasn’t sure about Gemma’s love life, but I thought she needed to be asked on a date. Maybe then she’d lighten up a bit.
Avery was in good hands, I was going on a date with Callan in the near future, and for once, my mind wasn’t spiraling with my mental to-do list of grocery shopping, cleaning the house, or thinking about Pudding.
The cat still hadn’t shown up, so I’d bought Avery a few more cans of wet food for her to replenish the bowl every night. She sat on the porch last night and read her book out loud in the hopes that Pudding would hear her voice and come home. It hadn’t worked, but I wasn’t giving up hope. Pudding was out there. We’d find her.
My grandmother always told me to keep the faith, so that’s what I’d do.
“I’m heading out,” Gemma said, her purse already slung over her shoulder.
I looked up from the cookie I was decorating. I’d been practicing a bit at work for Avery’s birthday coming up soon. She wanted My Little Pony sugar cookies for her party, so I was doing my best to perfect them well before the event.
“Don’t you have another thirty minutes?” I asked, setting the piping bag down.
She shrugged, chewing that ridiculous bubble gum she always smacked on. “I want to go home.”
“Can I ask you something?”
She not-so-discreetly rolled her eyes. “What?”
“Did I ever do anything to you to make you hate me?”
Her chewing paused for the briefest moment, the only indication that what I said took her off guard. “No.”
I pressed my lips together, doing my best to ignore the obnoxious noises that resumed coming from her mouth. “Is there a reason you don’t like me, then?”
She shrugged. “No.” Her tone suggested she was bored, wanting nothing more than to leave right this minute.
Talking to her was like pulling teeth.
“Alright.” I picked the piping bag back up, turning back to my cookie.
“Finally,” Gemma muttered under her breath, walking around the counter and out the door.
A pent-up breath escaped my lips as my phone buzzed on the counter. I glanced at it, keeping my hand hovering over the cookie.
Callan: Forget I said I’d text you about the date
My heart sank. I knew it was too good to be true.
I went back to practicing with the pink icing when my phone buzzed again.
Callan: Sorry Ace hit my elbow and I accidentally hit send too early. I meant to add - it’ll be a surprise. Avery can come
I set the bag down next to the cookie, grabbing my phone to reply.
Me: Ace?
Three dots appeared as he typed his response, my eyes glued to them the entire time.
Callan: My horse. You’ll love him
The corners of my lips inched up.
Why did meeting his horse feel like meeting someone’s parents, or their child?
Like it was some kind of next step?
Stop it. I haven’t even gone on one date with the guy and here I am trying to play house with him.
It wasn’t only my feelings I had to think of, it was Avery’s, too. Callan seemed like a nice guy, but I couldn’t be too sure. I had to take this slow, for both our sakes.
I bit down on my bottom lip, sending my response.
Me: I think I will.
