He’s silent with his back bent, elbows on his knees. I pick up my beer and take a sip before I say, “You know what I don’t want? For us to bond, and then some weird shit happens in the aristocracy—because inevitably, it will—and you have a bad day. Then you come home and say, ‘If I hadn’t let that fucking Junichi awaken me, I wouldn’t need to deal with this bullshit.’”
Jae sits up, frowning as he turns to look at me. “I wouldn’t say that.”
“You basically just did.”
“I apologize.”
Bringing my bottle to my lips, I tip my head back and down the rest of the liquid.
We sit in a long stretch of silence. Lulú eventually appears, slinks past me and hops up on the table, bumping her head into Jae’s lower back. Traitor. She’s taking his side. Or maybe she’s giving him comfort when I’m refusing to.
He turns, petting the top of her head with his palm. She’s nuzzling her nose into him. Showering him with affection. “What now?” Jae asks, focusing his gaze on Lulú and stroking her back. “I should sleep around the aristocracy and get a taste of everyone’s blood on my path of self-discovery?”
“Generally, sleeping around in the aristocracy is frowned upon. But you’re a purebred, so technically you can do whatever the hell you want… maybe not in this particular aristocracy? I don’t think Haruka and Nino would appreciate that. But they are pretty chill about things.”
“Is that really what you want me to do, Jun?”
“It’s not about what I want. It’s about you accepting who you are now. Whatever path you decide to take to get to that point. Again, your choice. I won’t tell you not to.”
I know what he wants from me—what he wants me to say. I don’t want him to sleep around and feed from anything ranked that moves, but I won’t say it. It’s his journey. His decision, and I think it’s necessary.
“I’d like for us to stay close, though,” I say. “I’m not ‘distancing’ myself from you, like you said, and I don’t want us to become strangers. It would be nice to know what you’re doing—how you are. I don’t want you to be angry with me. I just need time.”
“I—I understand,” he says. “I hear you…” Lulú is literally lying against him now with her legs outstretched. Dios mío. She sits up abruptly when Jae slowly stands from the table. He sighs. “I’ll go pack up my room then.”
I sit up straight, surprised. “What? I’m not kicking you out, Jae. You don’t need to leave—you can take your time, and you probably need to feed again.”
He shakes his head. “No… I’ll figure something out. I’ll leave tonight. It’s best, I think.” He tries to walk around the opposite side of the table, an effort to avoid passing me. I stand and quickly move to block his path. I put my hands on his shoulders and look down into his face.
“Are we clear that I’m not ‘done’ with you, or whatever the hell you keep saying? That’s not what this is. Do you really understand? It’s just time apart to think and work on ourselves. Recalibrate.”
“I understand,” he says, avoiding my eyes.
In this moment, and in this singular day where I have decidedly not indulged Jae (after weeks of doing so), I take his chin in my fingertips so that he looks up at me. I lean down and brush my nose into him, slowly submitting to the intense pull I’ve been feeling toward him all damn day. Resisting it has been exhausting, and even giving in this little bit eases the tension in my spine.
I tilt my head and press our lips together. I’m kissing him, but Jae is totally guarded. He doesn’t part his lips for me. He’s awkward and not meeting my rhythm, trying hard to keep the kiss polite. Sterile. I decide to steal a page from his book. I move one hand up and into the thick waves of his hair, then move the other down between us to graze my fingers against the swell between his legs.
He opens his mouth in a gasp and I attack, licking into him and sliding our tongues together. He groans, exhales, and he’s with me now, falling into our unique rhythm and moving his chin against mine. His hands are fisting my sweater at my waist like he’s melting into me, or maybe we’re melting into each other.
I’m getting swept away to where I can’t tell where his mouth starts and mine ends, so I pull up. The back of his head is gripped in my palm and his eyes are clenched shut like he’s in pain. I’m about to ask if he’s okay, but his eyes open and my breath catches.
They’re alighted in the most incredible shade of blue. Cobalt blue—lush and compelling. Like the sky over Santorini and the Aegean Sea, when you’re genuinely not sure which is reflecting which.
He clenches his eyes shut again and tears stream from the inside corners. I don’t know if it’s because his eyes have alighted for the first time (and it truly does burn the first few times), because our emotions are running high or a likely combination of the two.
“Jae—”
He pulls away from my grasp, shaking his head. “Sorry—I need to pack up.”
I reach out for him, to grab his wrist, step into his path again and wrap my arms around his shoulders. When he’s secure in my arms, I say, “You don’t need to pack right now. Just sit with me, alright? And don’t leave tonight. At least stay until tomorrow and talk to me—about everything. If you’re angry, if you’re sad… if you think I’m being stupid and this is bullshit. Don’t hold it in. Tell me.”
It takes a minute, but slowly, he brings his arms up to my waist and wraps them around.
He’s crying, silently, into my sweater as I hold him. It’s good. I’d rather he do this here, with me, and then we talk openly as opposed to him being alone in his room—packing and pretending like everything is fine. That shit breeds bitterness and resentment. I want this separation to be healthy for us. Not a launch pad for toxicity.
Thirty-Nine
Eva
October 2
Weather—cloudy
I finally told Jae-Hwa about the terrible dreams I’ve been having. I think it’s been happening for a month now? Every time I have one, I wake up with terrible shakes and I’m sweating. I get shakes sometimes anyway, but this is rather unbearable—like I have no control over my body. I just wish that it would stop, but it seems as if it’s getting worse.
Every night that I’m hit with it, my work morning is hell. Some of my students have even noticed and started asking me questions. That is the last thing I need right now.
My darling David made it as a finalist to the National Sciences and Innovation competition. He has a big showing tomorrow at Cardiff University. I told him I couldn’t come… but the truth is, I’ve taken the day off for it especially. Both me and Jae-Hwa will be there. He’s going to be so surprised. I cannot wait to see his face. I’m so proud of that boy.
October 7
Weather—cloudy, rain
I had another episode last night. Terrible. Jae-Hwa woke up with me and got a cold compress for my head because I was so hot, and then he held me. It’s like a fever, but it’s not. We went to the doctor again, but as usual, they’ve got nothing. Utterly useless lot, they are. If I told them what I really think is wrong with me, they’d have me institutionalized. Why aren’t there any proper vampire doctors? Someone like that would actually listen to me. Maybe it’s time I take matters into my own hands. I’ll talk to Jae-Hwa about it.
David came in second place at the competition last week. He was disappointed, but I think he’s incredible. Jae-Hwa was impressed, too. We took him for sushi at that posh Japanese restaurant in town, even though Jae hates sushi. I pushed for it because it was David’s special night and he should get to have what he really likes, dammit. Jae-Hwa complained the entire way there, but thankfully, he shut it at the restaurant. It was a nice dinner.
October 20
