“Yes.” I’m dragging my feet behind him. No matter what, I will not cry. If I can at least make it through this conversation without blubbering all over myself in front of him, I’ll consider it a success. This is the low bar I’m setting for myself on my first night as an allegedly purebred fucking vampire.
Thirty-Eight
Junichi
“Do you want a beer?” I ask, holding the fridge door open in front of me.
“No thanks.” Jae moves to the living room and sits on the couch, his back straight and stiff as he waits, like I’m about to read him a death sentence.
Shit. I haven’t even said anything yet and he’s already teetering on the edge of a cliff. My goal is to have a rational conversation without him flying off the ledge, but he’s already there with his hands up, shouting, “Stay back or I’ll jump.” At this point, anything I say is going to push him over.
Once I have my bottle, I head toward the couch and sit beside him. The happy, playful creature from earlier is gone. Now he’s like a prickly hedgehog sitting here. “Jae… would you please try to relax a little?”
“No.” He shakes his head, staring straight forward, avoiding my gaze. “Just say it. You’re done with me.”
“Why do you say that? You said that to me before—”
“Because that’s what it is. Plain and simple. I’m like this now… and you don’t want this. You’ve told me over and over, so I don’t need to have an elaborate conversation about it.”
I set my beer down on the table, then twist my body with my leg folded against the couch so that I’m fully facing him. “I’m not ‘done’ with you. But can you understand that this is definitely unexpected for me.”
“Right.” He sighs, then runs his fingers up and through his dark golden hair. “Like this isn’t unexpected for me. All of it.” I’m staring into his side profile, amazed. He was attractive to me before, but now there’s a glow that radiates from him—aggressively pulling me into him. Making me want to touch and comfort him. Hold and reassure him.
I stand my ground. “I’m not thinking of you as a big bad purebred, Jae. I don’t suddenly think you’re like Ren. And I don’t think you’ll change and try to control me. It’s not like that.”
“Alright… then what is it like?”
“A few things. I think what’s happened between us over the past two months has been a whirlwind. Really intense and really fast. I think… I was ready to wean my system off Ren with you. To transition myself into a normal feeding routine. But now it feels like I’m just hopping from one purebred to another—like a lucky tick.”
He finally looks at me, his warm eyes sincere. “I don’t mind, Jun.”
“I do. I’m already codependent on him. It’s toxic, and I’ve been like this my whole damn life. I don’t want to have that same superficial dependency on you.”
“It isn’t superficial, though. It’s what your body is accustomed to. You need to feed, your body prefers a certain kind of blood… I have it, and we’re not toxic. So what’s the problem?”
“It’s just preference,” I counter. “An addiction to iconic, super-luxury-level wine when premium should really nourish me just fine. It’s been nagging me for decades… I just need to know I can break it. That I’m not some purebred-sniffing bloodhound cultivated and trained by my father. I’m my own fucking vampire and I make my own choices. I was ready to do that with you, but…”
“In the end, I’m purebred and you sniffed me out because I’m super-luxury-level wine, and you think that’s why we’re here. Why we’ve come this far.”
“Maybe? I’m not completely sure.” I think about all the ways I’ve been inclined to cater to him. The way I adamantly hunted him down when we first met. Was all of that just my instincts driving me? My nature easily recognizing and knowing what he truly was, even though I consciously had no idea?
Jae falls back, slouching against the couch cushions. He sighs, pulling off his glasses, tossing them aside and closing his eyes. He massages the bridge of his nose with his fingers.
“I’m also thinking… that you’re like a brand-new vampire, and that’s incredible, Jae.”
“Mm,” he breathes, the sound flat and his eyes still closed.
“You should explore this. Drink other vampires’ blood and experience the aristocracy as a purebred—learn what that means to you and establish your new individuality. I don’t think it’s healthy for your identity as a vampire to be completely wrapped up in me and my blood.”
Jae opens his vivid eyes, but he’s staring straight forward. He folds his arms. He doesn’t say anything, so I continue.
“I want to make sure we’re together for the right reasons. Not because I’m a greedy, purebred-sniffing bloodhound, and not because I’m the only ranked vampire you’ve ever intimately been with and I awakened you. How do we know the exact same thing wouldn’t have happened with another ranked vampire had they found you first?”
“Because they didn’t find me.” Jae finally looks at me. “You did.”
“I don’t think we should barrel into this. We’ve moved so fast… I think we should separate for a while and give everything that’s happened some thought. Can you understand?”
“Do I have a choice?” Jae frowns, still watching me. “I think this is contrived.”
“What?”
“You don’t want me because of what I am, so this is your way of letting me down easy—gradually distancing yourself. You’re telling me that how I feel about you is potentially artificial, but it’s not. I’m not into you because you’re the first ranked vampire to pay me some attention or because you’re fit. There are loads of other reasons. This might be my first night as a vampire, but I wasn’t born yesterday. I know who I am and what I feel. I’m not confused about it. It’s all rubbish.”
I’m shocked, staring at him and blinking. If nothing else, this male always surprises me. “I’m not ready for you, Jae. Not yet. Not right now.”
“When will you be?”
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I can’t give you a timeline… Are you demanding that I do? Is this an ultimatum?”
“No, Jun. Christ. I just—” He shakes his head and stands up from the couch. He’s pacing now, running his hands into his thick hair. “I’m not ‘making demands’ of you. I would never. I don’t know how to do this, alright? Be a purebred vampire. It’s like I can’t be myself because I know how you feel about me now—this new version I’m supposed to be or whatever. It’s unfair. It’s bollocks. If I’d known you’d be like this, I wouldn’t have fucking gone through with it. I would have just tried to stay as I was!”
I fold my arms as I sit against the couch, watching him carefully. “So… you became a vampire for me, Jae? You blame me for this?”
Jae pauses. First, he’s looking at me in disbelief. Then he shifts his gaze away and rubs his palm into his hair again. He looks like he’s in pain. “Shit. No. I didn’t mean that… I…”
He plops down against my live-edge coffee table. His head is in his hands and his back is hunched. “Fuck.”
“You still aren’t registering the situation, and it makes me nervous, Jae. You had two choices—be awakened or die young. Embrace your nature or let it slowly eat away at you. You have always been a vampire. Regardless of whether or not I awakened you, you were one of us—you just didn’t know it. You still don’t get that. It’s not sinking in and you’re putting all your vampire stock in me.”
