Cugel tilted his head cautiously sidewise. “Are you ready for unorthodox procedures?”
With a bravado conferred partly by wine and partly by Dame Sequorce’s rude handling of his beard, Nisbet declared: “I am a man to stop at nothing when circumstances cry out for deeds!”
“In that case, let us get to work,” said Cugel. “The whole night lies before us! We shall demolish our problems once and for all! Bring lamps.”
Despite his brave words Nisbet followed Cugel with hesitant steps. “Exactly what do you have in mind?”
Cugel refused to discuss his plan until they reached the columns. Here he signaled the laggard Nisbet to greater speed. “Time is of the essence! Bring the lamp to this first column.”
“That is the column of Fidix.”
“No matter. Put down the lamp, then touch the column with your amulet and kick it very gently: no more than a brush. First, let me secure the column with this rope … Good. Now, apply amulet and kick!”
Nisbet obeyed; the column momentarily became weightless, during which interval Cugel extricated the ‘One’ segment and pushed it aside. After a few seconds the magic dissipated and the column returned to its former position.
“Observe!” cried Cugel. “A segment which we shall renumber and sell to Dame Sequorce, and a fig for her nuisances!”
Nisbet uttered a protest: “Fidix will surely notice the deduction!”
Cugel smilingly shook his head. “Improbable. I have watched the men climbing their columns. They come out blinking and half asleep. They trouble to look at nothing but the state of the weather and the rungs of their ladders.”
Nisbet pulled dubiously at his beard. “Tomorrow, when Fidix climbs his column, he will find himself unaccountably lower by a segment.”
“That is why we must remove the ‘One’ from every column. So now to work! There are many segments to move.”
With dawn lightening the sky Cugel and Nisbet towed the last of the segments to a hiding place behind a pile of rocks on the floor of the quarry. Nisbet now affected a tremulous joy. “For the first time a sufficiency of segments is conveniently to hand. Our lives shall now flow more smoothly. Cugel, you have a fine and resourceful mind!”
“Today we must work as usual. Then, in the unlikely event that the subtractions are noticed, we shall merely disclaim all knowledge of the affair, or blame it on the Maots.”
“Or we could claim that the weight of the columns had pushed the ‘Ones’ into the ground.”
“True. Nisbet, we have done a good night’s work!”
The sun moved into the sky, and the first contingent of men straggled out from the village. As Cugel had predicted, each climbed to the top of his column and arranged himself without any display of doubt or perplexity, and Nisbet uttered a hollow laugh of relief.
Over the next few weeks Cugel and Nisbet satisfied a large number of orders, though never in such profusion as to arouse comment. Dame Sequorce was allowed two segments, rather than the three she had demanded, but she was not displeased. “I knew I could get what I wanted! To gain the satisfaction of one’s wishes one needs only to propose unpleasant alternatives. I will order two more segments shortly when I can afford your exorbitant prices; in fact, you may begin work on them now, so that I need not wait. Eh, Nisbet? Do you remember how I pulled your beard?”
Nisbet responded with formal politeness. “I will make a note of your order, and it will be fulfilled in its proper sequence.”
Dame Sequorce responded only with a coarse laugh and went her way.
Nisbet gave a despondent sigh. “I had hoped that a flow of segments would glut our customers, but, if anything, we seem to have stimulated demand. Dame Petish, for instance, is annoyed that Dame Cillincx’s husband now sits on the same level as Petish himself. Dame Viberl fancies herself the leader of society, and insists that two segments separate Viberl from his social inferiors.”
Cugel shrugged. “We can only do what is possible.”
In unexpectedly short order the segments of the stockpile were distributed, and the women of the town once again became importunate. Cugel and Nisbet discussed the situation at length, and decided to meet excessive demands with absolute obduracy.
Certain of the women, however, taking note of Dame Sequorce’s success, began to make ever more categorical threats. Cugel and Nisbet at last accepted the inevitable and one night went out to the columns and removed all the ‘Twos’. As before, the men noticed nothing. Cugel and Nisbet attempted to fill the backlog of orders, and the antique urn in which Nisbet stored his terces filled to overflowing.
One day a young woman came to confer with Nisbet. “I am Dame Mupo; I have been wed only a week, but it is time to start a column for Mupo, who is somewhat delicate and in need of upper level flux. I have inspected the area and selected a site, but as I walked among the columns I noted an odd circumstance. The bottom segments are numbered ‘Three’ rather than ‘One’, which would seem to be more usual. What is the reason for this?”
Nisbet started to stammer, and Cugel quickly entered the conversation. “This is an innovation designed to help young families such as your own. For instance, Viberl enjoys pure and undiluted radiance on his ‘Twenty-four’. By starting you off with a ‘Three’ instead of a ‘One’, you are only twenty-one blocks below him, rather than twenty-three.”
Dame Mupo nodded her comprehension. “That is helpful indeed!”
Cugel went on to say: “We do not publicize the matter, since we cannot be all things to all people. Just regard this service as Nisbet’s kindly assistance to you personally, and since poor Mupo is not in the best of health, we will provide you not only your ‘Three’ but your ‘Four’ as well. But you must say nothing of this to anyone, not even Mupo, as we cannot extend these favors everywhere.”
“I understand completely! No one shall know!”
On the next day Dame Petish appeared at the quarry. “Nisbet, my niece has just married Mupo and brings me a peculiar and garbled story about ‘Threes’ and ‘Fours’ which, frankly, I cannot understand. She claims that your man Cugel promised her a segment at no charge, as a service to young families. I am interested because next week another niece is marrying, and if you are giving two segments for the price of one it is only fair that you deal in the same manner with an old and valued customer such as myself.”
Cugel said smoothly: “My explanation confused Dame Mupo. Recently we have noticed vagrants and vagabonds among the columns. We warned them off, and then, to confuse would-be thieves, we altered our numerative system. In practice, nothing is changed; you need not concern yourself.”
Dame Petish departed, dubiously shaking her head. She paused by the columns and looked them up and down for several minutes, then returned to the village.
Nisbet said nervously: “I hope no one else comes asking questions. Your answers are remarkable and confuse even me, but others may be more incisive.”
“I imagine that we have heard the last of the matter,” said Cugel, and the two returned to work.
During the early afternoon Dame Sequorce came out from the village with several of her sisters. They paused several minutes by the columns, then continued to the quarry.
Nisbet said in a quavering voice: “Cugel, I appoint you spokesman for the concern. Be good enough to mollify these ladies.”
“I will do my best,” said Cugel. He went out to confront Dame Sequorce. “Your segments are not yet ready. You may return in a week.”
Dame Sequorce seemed not to hear. She turned her pale blue eyes around the quarry. “Where is Nisbet?”
“Nisbet is indisposed. Our delivery time is once again a month or more, since we must quarry more white-stone. I am sorry, but we cannot oblige you any sooner.”
