🌎 🌎 “Path to Manhood” by Dane C. Hawkins

“Fuck yo feelings.”

“Aye. Yall calm down.” Duc blurts out trying to stop the arguing.

Mike is clearly pissed off and it is catching Carlos off guard. But the words can’t be taken back so the hard feelings aren’t going to just disappear after Duc interrupts. Carlos takes the opportunity to make an exit. “Whatever. I’m gone.”

As soon as he leaves, Mike immediately feels bad. He wasn’t planning to ambush Carlos, but his feelings got the best of him, and he doesn’t know a good way to handle things with him. He had this discussion with him when no one else was involved and he didn’t listen. He won’t sit back and let it affect the other people around him he cares about. They sit there for a few moments after Carlos left.

“Young, I’m trying to go back to the tattoo shop,” Jairus says. And just like that they are all on the same page and jumping into Duc’s SUV to go to the tattoo shop. Only this time it feels a bit more intentional since Jairus has obviously not moved past the idea.

They get to the shop and start discussing ideas for tattoos only this time instead of Jairus throwing out ideas and them trying to convince him not to do something they are all thinking of things they can get to honor Ovaughn. Eventually Duc, the flashiest of the group, gets tired of just talking about it and sits in one of the artist's chairs and gets a very distinctive but simple letter O on his shoulder. It is very understated for someone with such a big personality but as his friends watch as he gets the tattoo, they think it is perfect. Once Duc’s is complete, they each sit down in the chair and get the same tattoo in the same location on their shoulders. Not only does it honor their friend, but it is a sign of solidarity for them. It is the type of tattoo none of them will ever have to regret wearing for the rest of their lives.

17

“I Know That’s What You’ve Been Waiting For”

As more time passes, the remainder of the junior year begins to take on a new normal for the fellas. They will always miss Ovaughn but they start to operate regularly within the new reality of all the changes that have occurred in their lives. They now make a point to always have someone there to cheer on Kennedy during the track meets and preferably all of them together. Now it is all three of them riding to campus together for classes since Jairus is pretty much living at the apartment with Duc. In fact, they pretty much use his dorm room for extra storage and to do laundry since it is cheaper on campus. Jairus finally tells his mother that he has been staying at Duc’s apartment and why. Bernice is not happy to find out she is paying for room and board he is not using. But she understands going through something traumatic in college and is happy he is able to work through it rather than completely losing focus and dropping out. She looks into being able to drop the dorm room from the bill since he isn’t using it, but the school says it isn’t possible in March with only about two months of the semester remaining. Jairus is more than willing to drop it next year. He and his mother talk about him using that out of state room and board money towards his part of rent the next school year so they can get a bigger apartment. However, anything beyond what she is already contributing is going to be on him. That may be a different discussion if he tells her about the classes he dropped earlier that semester or that he is possibly on the verge of his worst semester of grades since starting school.

Duc throws himself back into work and school. As tough as it has been lately, he knows focusing on those things will help him. On top of that, Malik is starting to grow his business and now he is giving both Duc and Samantha more freedom to handle things themselves. Malik is venturing into the Atlanta strip club business now and will be focusing more of his time there leaving some of the more established ventures to be handled by his two deputies. He even begins to encourage them to work on their own branding and look for additional small club and lounge ventures to bring into the fold. They have the option to work together or individually on that. That means more of the party life for Duc and him getting a step closer to being able to do his own thing if he wants. Which he doesn’t since Jazzy Belles is now basically his promotion to run as well as the other attachments he has to his current situation. He is also feeling really good about managing Chaotic Harmony and isn’t sure artist management might not be the route for him in the future, even though it moves a bit slower.

Mike is the only one in the group who doesn’t have everything going as well as he wants. For the first time in his college career, he is not pulling in a 4.0 GPA for the semester. Although it is still a lot better than most, he is a bit disappointed in himself. He prides himself on his hard work and producing results. If he is nothing, he is diligent and responsible. He is also harder on himself than anyone else could ever be. He has seen his father go from frontrunner to failure and the fear of that happening to him is always a motivating factor in his life. Even though his semester is what Duc’s dreams are made of and Jairus consistently tries to tell him he’s still doing great, he carries a fear of not being good enough when he starts applying to internships for the summer. Another thing that isn’t going as well as he hoped is the situation with Shante. It seems to run hot and cold between them and he doesn’t understand why. After her being there for him with the passing of Ovaughn he begins to talk to her on the phone about a lot of things. She knows him so well that he feels comfortable confiding in her and trusts that she has his best interest at heart. So, whether it is on the phone or a one-on-one conversation walking outside or around the mall they get closer and closer. But every time they are around groups of people, specifically at school, Shante’s body language changes and she is a bit more distant. He doesn’t get it. He assumes that getting too comfortable publicly will signify that there is actually something between them and it may be too weird for her. That still doesn’t sit well for him though because his feelings are clearly changing, and he is starting to come to terms with the idea of moving to another level.

It isn’t until one Saturday afternoon in March that things really start to make sense for Mike. It is a week after the girls’ basketball team lost the conference finals game. Shante has been sad about it all week and Mike decides to go to campus to see her and try to cheer her up. Maybe get her off campus for a while. He gets to her dorm and gives her a call from the front door to let her know he is outside, and she tells him to hold on for a moment. He is surprised when Simone comes down to the door and let him into the dorm. He doesn’t question it; he just follows Simone into the dorm and up to their room where she drops him off and promptly makes her exact. He isn’t expecting to come inside, so he is caught off guard when Shante lets him in the room wearing nothing but a silk robe. A short silk robe. She had apparently just gotten out of the shower when he called and thought she had more time before he would show up. Rather than making him wait outside she let him up so they can at least talk while she gets ready. But now talking is the last thing he can focus on. His focus is on how short and thin the robe is and how the silky material hugged all her curves. He tries his best not to notice that her thigh keeps coming out of the side of the robe as she moves clothes around her room. At one point she starts asking him about clothes and he initially misses what she is saying as his mind wanders. He doesn’t understand why she is making a fuss over what to wear just to get off campus for a while.

It isn’t until he notices her looking in a mirror just outside of the closet door to see if he is checking her out that he thinks she may be intentionally flaunting around in front of him. She eventually pulls her closet door open to obstruct his view of her as she gets dressed and then throws her robe across the room onto the bed next to him.

“I know that’s what you’ve been waiting for,” she says and starts to laugh. Although he turns his head away once he sees the robe, he still catches a glimpse of her bare back and shoulder. Just enough for his imagination to run wild. Moments later she moves the door back and steps towards him in a crop top tank top, some skintight jeans and sandals. A simple outfit but she can put on anything at this point, and it will be appealing to him. So, when she asks, “How do I look?” His honest reply is, “you always look good to me.” He then remembers the bag of sour Skittles he bought for her. He knows they are one of her favorite candies so he picked some up hoping it will help to cheer her up. She is pleasantly surprised that he remembers how much she loves them and appreciates the thought. As she takes the bag of candy from him, she thanks him and gives him a kiss on his cheek making sure to fully press her lips against his face. Followed by her seeming to caress his face as she cleans off the lipstick stain she left before they head out.

As they make their way to the parking lot where Mike’s car is parked, he can’t help but feel like he just picked her up for a date. That wasn’t his intention but as they walk their pace is just a bit slower than normal and she seems to laugh at every little thing he says even though it isn’t that funny. He even finds himself opening the car door for her even though that is never usually the case with them. They go to eat lunch at a soul food spot a few minutes away from campus. They get there and the parking lot is packed. Obviously, Mike isn’t the only one that thinks it is a good idea that day. It is only a 20-minute wait, so they stay and eventually get seated after spending the entire time talking about their favorite items on the menu and what the other needs to try. They sit in the middle of the restaurant and Shante calls reference to how many students seem to be in the restaurant that day as if she is worried. Then the waitress comes to the table, and she happens to be a student that recognizes Shante. Mike feels her entire body language change and figures that she must be tired of all the attention or just doesn’t like it at all.

He tries talking about something else to take her mind away from the unwanted attention and asks Shante “How have Aunt Deb and Yolanda been doing? I don’t think I’ve seen them first semester. Well at least your mom.”

“It’s the same old same old. My sister is ready to finish school and my mother is acting like we’re not supposed to grow up. How is everything with your family? I need to call and check on your sister. I need to know everything she’s not telling y'all now that she getting' grown.”

“Nah. My sista ain’t grown. I go home all the time just to make sure” Mike says making them both laugh.

“So, you figure out what you’re going to do for the summer yet? You leavin’ me to go ‘cross the country again?”

Shante seems to stop worrying about their surroundings and just focuses on the conversation. Mike still hasn’t heard anything definitive from any of the internships he applied to for the summer. “I just know I want to do something different than last year” is the only response he can give her. Shante complains “I’m a be stuck in Atlanta all summer. With track and training camp I don’t get the opportunity to leave like you do.” She goes into experiences she wants to have and asks what he enjoyed most about his experience in Baton Rouge. The conversation leads her to show a little jealousy saying, “I know them girls were all over you out there.” He tries to avoid saying too much about the topic hoping he can just shrug it off and feign disbelief that any woman would want him. She isn’t buying it though. “I mean, it makes sense that they would want you. I get it,” as she gives him an alluring look.

For a moment they are both silent and then Mike breaks that silence. “You know we still need to talk about the night of the funeral.” Shante’s eyes go up as if she is recalling a memory and then she slightly grins. Just then they hear a female voice from someone walking up to the table calling Shante’s name. It’s the journalism student who was writing the sports article about Shante and her family the day she moved on campus at the beginning of the school year. She doesn’t even excuse herself. She just starts talking once she has their attention. “It’s crazy that I ran into you and your cousin today. I was just talking to my editor about us needing to write another article about you for the school year's final issue. To wrap up just how well things went for you this year and what we should expect in the future. I almost forgot you had family here, too. I can talk about how that support system probably helped too.”

Shante doesn’t say much in response to her. She just gets a really awkward smile on her face like when you have to fake like everything is good when it’s not. Suddenly it is all so clear to Mike. It’s not the attention that has been bothering Shante. It’s not their family connections that has made her so apprehensive. Shante is a very high-profile athlete at their school and everyone on campus who read that article introducing her to the student body sees a picture of her cousin. A picture of him. And the perception of that being someone she’s dating is a nightmare for her. That awkward smile isn’t for the journalist. It’s for Mike. She hopes he now understands why they haven’t talked about that night. He’s realizing they probably won’t talk about it any time soon. Not the way he is hoping they will.

In early April the final issue of the school paper is released, and everything mentioned that day weeks ago ends up in the article about Shante—including how having a family member attending school adds to her support and overall success. They once again reference him by name. Following the article Shante grows more distant and doesn’t have a lot of time to hang with him anymore. He can’t even enjoy the great news of being hired as an intern for one of the largest phone companies in the nation with headquarters in Atlanta. Even though it is likely the best opportunity he will have, one of the reasons he applied there is to stay in Atlanta to be around certain friends that summer. So, he doesn’t feel so lucky when Jairus is jealous of him getting yet another huge company to give him an internship. Jairus is happy for him but sad he hasn’t lined up any jobs for himself. It’s just another job to Mike. Nothing to get excited over. In fact, Mike thinks nothing about talking to them to see if they have anything in Jairus’ field for interns when he has the chance and even promises to try.

For the rest of the school year the guys pretty much play catch up trying to clean up as much of the mess they made of the school year as possible. Especially Jairus. He set a standard for himself and with everything he went through he just couldn’t keep it up. He doesn’t beat himself up about it but as he gets closer to feeling back to normal, he also regrets allowing himself to fall off that much. Besides the class he dropped he now has another class he is contemplating retaking to keep his GPA up. The only silver lining he has is that it didn’t bring his overall GPA down too much. After a few discussions on his behalf Mike is able to get him an interview with the same company he is going to work for that summer. This is actually great for all three of them. Duc didn’t show it, but he is ecstatic that everyone isn’t leaving him for the summer the way they did the year before. Mike is happy because it meant all three of them would be together for the summer, as well, and it will help to keep his mind off what he originally thought would be his reason for staying. Jairus is just happy to have a job opportunity for the summer. He is nervous that the rough semester would cost him the job, but he felt confident in how he interviewed. Now it is just a waiting game to see if they are impressed with him. He promised his mother that no matter if he gets the job or not, he will come home to celebrate his birthday with the family. She has been telling him that she has something important to talk to him about, but she wants to do it in person. He just hopes it won’t be a one-way trip to D.C. for the summer.

It isn’t until the last week of the semester that Jairus finally hears back from the company. The woman that calls him starts off very apologetic “How are you doing Mr. Thomas? First let me ask that you please forgive us for taking so long to get back to you about the internship. We try to let people know one way or the other earlier than this so they can plan accordingly.” He instantly begins to get down on himself. He really doesn’t want to miss out on work experience for the summer but with everything that has happened he dropped the ball and there is no one to blame but himself. The thoughts make it even more surprising she says, “Fortunately, this being last minute doesn’t mean it’s not good news. We just hope you are still open and available to the opportunity to come work for us this summer.” He is elated at the great news even though he tries to hold it together over the phone. He gets off the phone and yells out a loud “YES!” which brings Duc running out of his room into the living room to see what happened. He is almost as happy as Jairus and automatically goes into some of the things he is planning in his mind for the summer. Most importantly of all, moving into a two-bedroom apartment in May rather than worrying about switching the lease in August after Duc renews his current lease.

Jairus is very pleased to let his mother know the good news and even happier to tell her that he will only be home for a couple of weeks with the internship starting mid-June. Duc can’t keep the news to himself either and calls Mike to let him know before Jairus gets a chance. As excited as the three of them act about being together over the summer you would think they haven’t been around each other in years. It’s another indication of how tight the bond they’ve built has become. With the news, Duc decides to go home for Memorial Day weekend as well. So now Jairus can ride up with him instead of having to take a bus or train ride that lasts all day. Jairus even considers flying back now that he knows he will make money to pay for it over the summer from the internship. But before they leave, Jairus and Duc make sure they sign the lease to move into the two-bedroom apartment in June. Duc is just going to have to handle the move while Jairus is still in D.C. He puts up no argument since he gets no fight from Jairus over getting the larger bedroom. It seems like they get those plans in order and turn around and it is time to head home to see their families for the holiday. For the entire car ride to Washington D.C., Duc and Jairus discuss things they will be able to “get into” that summer they normally don’t have time or money to do around Atlanta.

They arrive in town the Saturday before Memorial Day and are greeted by Bernice at the apartment door looking overjoyed to see Jairus home. She got off work early and cooked dinner to make sure it would be ready when Jairus finally arrived. She made his favorite meal, smothered pork chops and rice. When they come in Duc doesn’t intend to impose but can’t help but notice how good the food smells so when Bernice gives him a huge hug and tells him to stay for dinner, he doesn’t argue. Jairus notices how his mom seems to be more accommodating than normal, being extra nice and not making them lift a finger to get anything they need. He enjoys the treatment, but he also wonders if she is going to extra lengths because of what they went through with Ovaughn. He already worries about why she wants to have a talk with him so badly and the last thing he wants is for everyone to be treating him differently while he’s home. He thinks to himself, if his mother’s intent is to focus on the loss of Ovaughn and how he’s dealing with it for the entire time he’s home, it is going to be a long two weeks because he is not interested in continuing to dwell on it. He gets the idea of bringing up them talking while Duc is present in hopes that he can be a buffer or at least tell his mother that he has been fine. When he asks his mother what she wants to talk about with Damaris and Duc sitting at the table she quickly just brushes it off for later. However, he does notice Damaris cutting her eyes up from her plate during the brief interaction.

They continue talking over dinner and eventually Duc needs to make his way to Maryland to his home before it gets too late but not before he gets some leftovers to take home. Every time Duc eats Bernice’s cooking, he always raves about it being some of the best cooking he’s ever had. It always makes her feel good and makes her want to feed him more. So, she made sure she had extra just for him this time. Eventually Duc makes his exit after making sure he and Jairus are on the same page about the huge cookout that Duc’s father, James, is throwing that Sunday afternoon. Somehow Damaris invites herself to come along with him to the cookout as well and Bernice is happy to see her want to spend more time with her brother. Jairus is just annoyed that he has to drag his baby sister along to the event.

Jairus stays up late with his family watching some of their favorite old movies, cracking up laughing and just having a good time together. The next day he tries to avoid bringing up the cookout hoping that he will be able to make it out of the house and on his way before his sister remembers anything about going along. To his dismay, it is one of the first things she brings up as they are eating breakfast late that morning. He realizes that there is going to be no getting out of taking her with him, especially since his mother is encouraging it. He isn’t in the business of intentionally disappointing his mother. So that afternoon they take their mother’s car and make their way to the home of Duc’s family for the big event. Duc warns them that it will be pretty big for a cookout, but they don’t realize just what he means. His parents have a huge yard, and large deck, and an in-ground pool, and they utilize all of that space for the cookout. There are tables all over the deck and yard and even a bounce house for the little kids attending with their family. There are two grills and a large smoker pumping out food for the guests as well as sides coming out of the kitchen from the caterers. They expect over 150 people in attendance at some point with more coming and going throughout the event. It is easily the largest cookout that either Jairus or Damaris has ever seen, and it is instantly clear to Jairus that Duc gets his party planning skills honestly.

As they enter the cookout Jairus looks around trying to find Duc, or at least his parents, so he can let them know they are there and properly greeting them. It doesn’t take Jairus very long to find Duc’s parents, James and Doretha, and thank them for the invitation as well as introduce them to Damaris since they have never met her. But what Jairus quickly notices as he continues to look for Duc in the backyard is that they are getting just as many looks from others as he is giving during his search. Well not them both, Damaris. Everyone notices how attractive she is as she is now sixteen and looking very much like her mother had as she entered adulthood. Only Damaris isn’t a reserved wallflower. She is well aware of what makes her attractive and accentuates it as much as she can without doing too much. Where Jairus only sees his little baby sister the rest of the crowd sees the young woman with a beautiful brown complexion, short shorts with long legs, and a top that shows her shape and allows her stomach to slightly peek out above her shorts. And now that's all Jairus can see too, feeling more and more uncomfortable as men older than him speak to her as they pass by even though she doesn’t seem to be phased by it.

Eventually they find Duc near the pool but by that time all Jairus wants to do is find somewhere to sit so his sister won’t be on parade for the crowd of guys checking her out as they walk by. Damaris finds his discomfort funny and says, “Jerry, what do you expect to happen when I go out? You look at attractive girls when you are out. Why are you so surprised?” He doesn’t respond. He just grinds his teeth trying to ignore the situation as he wonders why she chose that outfit. They eventually find a table to sit at in the backyard near the deck where Duc directs them to, grab some food to eat and sit down. It only gets worse as one of Duc’s cousins sits at the table. At 18 years old he is completely enamored with Damaris, and they begin to flirt right there in front of Jairus. Once he offers to get up and go get a drink for Damaris, Jairus has enough and goes into overprotective mode. “Aye slim. She good. And we tryna talk so I’ll get her drink.”

Damaris can’t believe him and let him know. “Really? He didn’t do anything wrong. You need to chill out.”

“I’m sorry I’m not good with grown ass men gawking over my little sister.”

“You say that like I’m still a 12 year old little girl. I’m 16 years old! And I’ve looked like this for a year. He’s like two years older than me. And this isn’t the first time men have flirted with me or tried to holla at me.” Jairus gets a look of shock and confusion on his face for a second. He doesn’t look at his sister that way and never imagined anyone else did either. “What did you think was happening while you were away at school? I was supposed to be a little girl forever? Nigga, stop it. You know I have a boyfriend, right?” She has already had to deal with the overprotective thing with Russell and even though he isn’t her brother they are almost as close having grown up together, so she already knows that the best way to deal with it for Jairus is to get it over with. That’s why she is being so direct with him.

She gives him a moment to internalize what she just said to him as she eats her food. He doesn’t say anything in response, but she can tell that he is thinking about it. After a while she begins to speak again jokingly saying, “Jairus, I look like your mother. I’m going to look like this for the rest of my life. You wanna spend the rest of your life upset because I’m cute to guys or you think it’s better to just accept it and let me know what to look out for, so I don’t make no mistakes dealing with all this attention.”

He cracks a grin and lets out a slight laugh at her comment. He begins to realize that he is in his feelings about something that is inevitable. She does look just like their mother. After seeing his laugh creep out, Damaris says, “We good?”

“Yeah, we good.”

“So, a more important question then. Are you good?” He knows that she is no longer just talking about his feelings about her growing up. She is checking on him after all he’s been through in the last year.

“You don’t know the half of what’s been going on this school year.” She surprises him by saying “Actually I do. You forget all of y’all think I’m so young and innocent that everyone tells me all their secrets. Tammy talked to me when she was worried about the conversation y’all had at Christmas.”