🌎 🌎 “Path to Manhood” by Dane C. Hawkins

He knows why she is asking and doesn’t try to act like he’s oblivious. He feels safe letting her know what’s up since she is such a compassionate person by nature. “I’m okay. I was just thinking about someone I lost when they were preaching.”

He is shocked when she replies, “Your friend that was on the basketball team?” He pauses for a second, confused that she is already aware of it. Not that she wouldn’t already know about Ovaughn passing away. He was a starting basketball player and the word of that got around campus quickly, but she also knew it was his friend.

“You knew I was friends with him?”

She responds as if she wants to be careful with her words. “I didn’t want to bring that up because I’m sure it’s not easy to talk about. Most people know about him now. Plus, he was always with the party promoter guy that goes to school. I think a lot of people know who they are and whenever you saw them on campus, you saw the same two random guys with them. You and your other friend kinda stood out.”

Jairus isn’t sure about how to take it. A part of him feels like he has been deceived, but he also knows all he really wants is for people to just treat him normal and not view him as just the guy whose best friend died. She can tell that he is taken aback by the information, so she tries to explain. “I’m sorry for not letting you know but I figured you didn’t need to be reminded of that. Plus, I just recognized you from seeing you all on campus sometimes. It didn’t make a difference in us being friends.”

Angel has a way of talking to him that makes him feel like she is giving out wisdom. It’s one of her gifts and part of why he feels comfortable confiding in her even though he hasn’t known her for long. He knows what she is saying is true. He can’t spend the rest of his time at school avoiding talking to anyone who knows about Ovaughn. He lets it go and explains to her that he is thinking about Ovaughn because of the team planning to honor him this upcoming Tuesday. She suggests he should pray for strength and comfort if he is still mourning the loss of his friend. It will help him when he’s down. He’s been trying to go back to church like his mother suggested, but he isn’t sure he believes prayer is the answer to this issue. He’s still wrestling with his thoughts about why God took another one of his friends. He feels he just needs time to heal some wounds. That’s what seems to have worked in the past.

The Tuesday of the first home game seems to arrive in the blink of an eye. Tuesdays generally feel as though they are dragging for the guys since they don’t have a lot of classes and anticipate Open Mic Night, but this day is on superspeed. All the guys are glad their friend is being honored but none of them are happy to be reliving the emotions of the loss. Even worse for Duc is that he gets a call an hour before the game starts letting him know that the host for Open Mic at Jazzy Belles can’t make it tonight. It’s the one thing he thought he wouldn’t have to think about that night. Everything is supposed to be in order but what can go wrong, will. So, Duc finds himself in a mad dash to figure out who can handle the hosting duties for the night, before heading to the game. He doesn’t want to ask Angie to help because he feels it looks bad to ask her to do the work she’s paying him to get done. He starts by calling Samantha to see if she can take care of it for him, but she is already pulled into something for Malik and doesn’t have the time. He reaches out to Riley, but she is planning to go to the basketball game as well so that she can see what they plan to do to honor Ovaughn. He calls the DJ lined up for the evening to see if he can handle doing both the music and hosting, but he can’t get an answer when he calls his cell phone. Probably because he’s started his set up by that time.

Duc quickly runs out of options and the only last resort he can think of is to ask Quad if he is willing to host. Quad initially sounds apprehensive about taking on the hosting duties, so Duc has to go into his salesman mode and talk him up. He says, “Quad, we’ve all been watching you get better and better at your performances over the last two months. How many times have I, Samantha, or the band told you. This will be a cake walk for you now. All you have to do is incorporate your own writing into the process. Your writing has been great from day one and you know those words like the back of your hand. I already know you built for this. You just need to know they will hit when you deliver them to the crowd.” Once he seems convinced, Duc quickly goes over how to bring people up, when to interject his own writing, telling him to do more than one of his own pieces, which pleases Quad, and that he trusts him with the task. It gets Quad energetic about bringing others to the stage the way he wants to be brought up. Duc knows he seems to always want to impress him and is banking on that motivating him to do well with this task. When they get off the phone all he can do is wish for the best. The DJ finally calls him back as the guys are on their way to campus and Duc informs him of the new plan and asks him to give him a call when it ends to let him know how it goes.

The guys arrive at the basketball auditorium early so they can make sure to be able to sit close to the seats they used to get every game the previous year when they came to watch Ovaughn. They are surprised to see Mr. Carter and Kennedy are already standing in the seats behind the home bench having a conversation. Kennedy is there with a few of her friends, which includes Shante and Simone. Mr. Carter blocked off the seats behind the team for them. Kennedy planned to be there so early that they didn’t need to. Mike, Duc, and Jairus all greet everyone as they make their way over to the seats that have been saved. Shante makes a point to go over to Mike, who still seems surprised she is there but probably shouldn’t, and just gives him a big hug. She doesn’t want to say anything and get a response that may mess up the moment. She just wants him to know she is still there for him. He hesitates to hug her back at first, but then relents and hugs her just as tightly before sitting down.

The game starts with the announcer speaking about the team suffering the loss of one of their members at the end of the season last year as they roll out multiple pictures of Ovaughn in team photos or game photos. They then highlight his jersey with his name on the back around the gymnasium that will be up for the entire season saying it will remain only his number for the rest of the time he would have been eligible to be on the team. They talk about how he worked his way up from a walk-on to a starter and even helped members of other sports teams on campus train to help them improve. Then they state the team will wear the black bands on the shoulders of their jerseys this season to honor him. They finish by taking one of the framed jerseys to mid court to present to Ovaughn’s parents, who walk out of the team's tunnel to accept. They are all surprised to see them at the game. They had no idea they were coming into town for the ceremony. The game begins with the players’ introductions and Ovaughn’s parents come over to the blocked off section of seats to sit with the group. They all share hugs and greetings with his parents as the game tips off. It’s almost like a family reunion for some of them. The last time they saw them was at the funeral. Oscar tells them “I know you all are wondering why we didn’t tell you we were coming up. We flew in early this afternoon and are leaving first thing in the morning, so we didn’t want anyone to go out of their way trying to accommodate us. It is such a short visit, and we didn’t need anything. We are just glad to get to the opportunity to see you all again.”

The basketball game ends with the team getting a decent victory. They didn’t want to come out flat and lose on this night. It is a good night for the team and for the loved ones of Ovaughn. Following the game, the guys and Kennedy walk Ovaughn’s parents to the rental car they have, still trying to catch up. Omelia pulls Kennedy to the far side of the car away from the men so she can talk to her and to allow Oscar to check on them. He isn’t interested in small talk. He wants to know how things are really going. What do your grades look like? How are things financially? Are you working and what does your work/life balance with school look like? Are you on track to graduate in May? If not, when? How have your parents and siblings been doing? Are you seeing anyone serious? Are you being safe? He talks to them like he would talk to Ovaughn if he were still there. He knows these young men meant a lot to his son, so they mean a lot to him. The guys start to notice Kennedy and Omelia seem to be having a bit more of an emotional conversation as there are tears and hugs being shared.

That leads Oscar to ask them if they have been making sure she is okay. They all tell him how she seems to be doing well lately. They are floored when he follows that up by telling them they have to be okay with letting her move on. They never gave any thought to the fact that Kennedy will be anything other than Ovaughn’s girlfriend. But it’s been over seven months since he died, and she is a very young woman. She can’t hold onto that loss and pain for the rest of her life. She has too much life to live. Oscar knows it will be very hard for them not to be upset with her when she starts to make that transition. He is hoping that hearing it from him will make them okay with it and realize it’s not a disrespect to his son. Mike understands where he is coming from as he explains it to them. Duc is upset at the thought of it but tries to take heed to his words. Jairus just remains silent trying to tell himself it won’t be a concern.

After about an hour everyone is all done talking and Oscar leaves the fellas with the advice to always make sure they are checking in with their loved ones. He tells them that he knows first-hand the importance of making sure you always take any chance you have to be connected with your family because you don’t know when it will be your last opportunity. The last year has made that message hit home for the guys. Oscar and Omelia say their goodbyes to the guys and then give Kennedy a ride to her dorm room to make sure she gets there safely.

On the ride back to the apartment Duc remembers that Quad is hosting Open Mic Night and starts to get nervous since he hasn’t heard anything yet. He checks the time, and it is close to the normal end time, so it doesn’t make sense to try and drive there. He rushes to get back to the apartment so he can wait for the phone call to let him know how things went. It was the longest 22-minute wait of his life. He hates not having things under control or at least being able to influence things the way he wants so he’s dying with anticipation to know how it went. Finally, the DJ calls and before he can get a word out Duc is asking a thousand questions about everything that could have gone wrong. He is stunned to find that nothing went wrong. In fact, the DJ says that Quad may have done the best job of hosting since he’s been working the showcases. Duc finds it very hard to believe that the guy who has a bit of stage fright and is always sheepishly hanging around the open mic nights is who he’s referring to. Against his better judgement he gives a call to one of the female servers he’s “friends” with that he knows worked that night. She doesn’t gush over Quad the same way the DJ did, but she does agree that he was good, and everything went well. The idea that Quad stepped up at the last minute and was successful is more intriguing to Duc than anything he’s seen from him thus far. For the next few days, it has him thinking of giving Quad another opportunity to prove himself.

20

“So... I Finally Talked To Him”

Jairus spends the next few days thinking about the words from Oscar following the basketball game. He keeps hearing him say that you never know if and when you will have another opportunity to connect with family and he keeps thinking about Lucas. A part of him is mad at that being the person he’s thinking about, but he’s had his phone number for two months now and he has yet to call. He feels like that message may be telling him that he needs to talk to him, if just for himself. So, he can actually know where he comes from completely. He never knows how long he will have that opportunity. It’s not something he’s always had.

On that Saturday afternoon Jairus decides to push past his fear and confusion, ignore his apprehensions, and finally pick up the phone to call Lucas. As the phone rings he becomes self-conscious and doesn’t know what to say. The phone is answered on the other end but as soon as he hears a male voice in a low timbre he immediately hangs up. He has no idea how to start this conversation. Lucas should know his name from his mom, but he can’t just call and start talking like they know each other. How do you discuss 21 years on the first conversation you ever have with someone? He has a ton of thoughts running through his mind that only add to his confusion of how to have the conversation. Then his phone begins to ring. He sees the number with the New York area code pop up and says “Shit!” He knows it’s Lucas calling back. He is afraid to answer but still feels compelled to and he puts the phone to his ear. He doesn’t say anything for a second until he hears the same voice say, “Did someone there just call me from this number?” It is said calmly as if they are hoping for a positive response.

Jairus decides then there is no right way to have this call so he might as well do it now and responds. “I did. I called. I was trying to reach Lucas.” He pauses hoping that this man is in fact Lucas and that he will say something to break this immense amount of tension. He says in an unsettled tone, “Is this Jairus?” Jairus confirms and then goes quiet again.

Bernice told Lucas when Jairus asked for the phone number a couple of months ago, so that he would not be blindsided by the call and say the wrong thing. He has been anticipating a call ever since.

“I almost gave up on hearing from you,” Lucas says. “I mean, I can understand if you don’t want to talk to me.” Jairus is not giving him anything in response, but he knows that he is still on the phone listening. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being there…for everything.”

Those words finally prompt a response from Jairus. “Did you really not know? How did you not know?”

It is a difficult question for Lucas. The answer is simple. He really didn’t know. The hard part is that his mother, who he lived to please, was the reason. It’s still very hard for him to reconcile that the person he loved so much did something so deceitful to him and caused so much pain. He thinks through his words before answering and then explains, “I really didn’t know. My mother, in her own way, thought she was protecting me. So, she made sure I didn’t know and that I wouldn’t be contacted. We had no idea she was pregnant the last time your mother and I saw each other. We didn’t have the internet back then. All I knew was that I went from being waitlisted at the university of my dreams and trying an intriguing summer program at my fourth choice to getting accepted at the last minute and being disappointed that I was leaving the girl of my dreams. I think my mother believed she was protecting my future. She had a lot of things in her life growing up that made her very overprotective of me and my siblings.”

Jairus is a bit overwhelmed listening to Lucas try to explain how things ended up the way they had, but one word that he said stood out to him. Siblings. Up until this point it never crossed his mind that he could have other biological siblings. “Do you have any other children?”

Lucas pauses after hearing the question. He is afraid this can be a point of tension and doesn’t want to jump into that on the first conversation but feels like it’s probably worse to try and deceive Jairus or not be willing to answer his questions. “Yes. I have a daughter.”

“What’s her name?”

Lucas, still cautious, says, “Jasmine.”

“It starts with a J like mine.”

“Yeah, you have a biblical name just like your mother.”

Jairus is surprised by that response. No one generally knows his name is from the bible. It’s very uncommon even for a biblical name. He appreciates that Lucas seems to automatically get it even though he won’t show it.

Jairus asks a couple of more probing questions to see how open Lucas is. He asks if he’s married and finds out that he is, and that Jasmine is not from his wife but from a previous relationship. He then asks how Lucas found out about him and found his mother. Lucas tells him the story about his uncle learning and keeping the secret until his mother’s death, and how he searched for months over the internet to find Bernice after he found out. Lucas makes sure to fully explain everything Jairus asks about, hoping that his vulnerability will allow Jairus to be comfortable with him. He doesn’t ask any questions back; he just wants to allow Jairus the space to get what he needs from the talk. He hopes it won’t be the last one. Jairus appreciates the transparency, but it doesn’t take long before it is all too much for him and he wants to get off the phone. He tells Lucas that he needs time to process everything and that he will give him a call back at a later time.

For the rest of that day, Jairus can’t stop thinking about the conversation he had with Lucas. He has so many mixed emotions about it that he feels the need to talk to someone about it. He is apprehensive about talking to his friends about it because he doesn’t want to get emotional in front of them and seem soft. He just wants someone to know what happened and feel like he has some support. Despite the apprehension he can’t help but bring it up while talking to them. What’s in the heart will eventually come out of the mouth. He talks to Duc before he heads out for the evening and mentions that he talked to Lucas for the first time, but he can tell he doesn’t know how to react. Duc has spent his entire life trying to prove himself to his father and become more independent of him. He has no way to relate to Jairus’ situation. The only thing he can offer is support. “You straight?” A little while after Duc leaves, Mike comes home, and he and Jairus start talking about their plans for the evening. After deciding on finally catching an action movie they’ve been wanting to see, Jairus lets him know that he talked to Lucas. “So, you remember I told you about my biological father popping up? So... I finally talked to him. I mean it was just the first conversation. It wasn’t too long... but we talked.” Mike, being able to relate better, gives pause at hearing the news. He seems to be looking for the right thing to say. “Well, I hope it was better than what I get when I have to talk to my father. He just acts like nothing is wrong. Like he hasn’t been absent for over a decade.”

Jairus immediately remembers that Mike has his own father issues he still has to deal with. As much as he tries to keep the fellas aware of what’s up with him, guys typically just don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable with each other, especially not at such a young age. He isn’t upset that he doesn’t get more from them. It’s actually about what he expects.

The next day he meets Angel at church, which has become their normal ritual. Since both Mike and Duc are working that afternoon, Jairus asks Angel if she is trying to go somewhere to get something to eat after service and she is up for it. They end up at a spot she knows that he has never been to before, but she promises him he will love the food. It’s a creole spot near the mall he has passed dozens of times over the years but never paid any attention to. Jairus has never tried creole food, but he is happy when he sees the menu full of seafood. Some comfort food is right on time for him today. They sit and begin to talk about what’s been going on with each other respectively and just like that Jairus finds himself opening up about talking about his father. As usual, it seems like Angel knows just what to say to make him feel comfortable about the situation and think clearly about how he will move forward. “Jairus I truly believe talking to your father is great for you. There is so much you can learn about yourself just from knowing where you come from. The fact that you are able to get past the hurt and anger you must have with the situation means you are going to be better from this no matter what happens now. I pray everything goes well. Just move at a pace you’re comfortable with. How are you feeling after talking to him?” After her question, she lets him vent. It’s all he really wants and makes him comfortable with sharing things with her that he generally has only shared with Tammy or Damaris in the past. It also makes him more comfortable that she is open and willing to talk to him about her personal life as well. It strengthens their friendship beyond just coworkers who go to the same church.

The semester advances and the friendship between Jairus and Angel grows. She eventually meets Duc and Mike and even goes to lunch with the group of friends occasionally. They all instantly see how comfortable the pair are with each other and joke with Jairus about her being his girl even though she’s single. The more they make the inside joke to him the more that thought creeps into his mind as he realizes he shares more with her than he did his past girlfriends. The thought comes to the forefront of his mind as he watches Mike push himself to finally go out on a date with someone new for the first time that school year. Mike reconnects with a girl who used to work at Jazzy Belles and goes to another one of the schools in the AUC. After much prompting from Duc, he finally asks her on a date. He doesn’t have any expectations or care if it goes anywhere serious with her; he just knows she’s cool and is tired of sitting around thinking about what he doesn’t have. It looks like he’s finally trying to move on from all the awkward situations of the last couple of years and Jairus wants the same thing for himself.

Jairus is hesitant to say something to Angel about being more than friends because he isn’t sure whether the feeling is mutual or not. She always tells him she is focused on school and God, and not worried about anything else right now. She is truly a good friend, and he doesn’t want to make things awkward if there’s nothing there, but he doesn’t want to miss out on the perfect girl for him either. Where else will he find a woman who will be cool enough to talk about his family stuff, past relationships, church, school, work, sports, and everything else—and actually be knowledgeable. But the one thing they don’t do is flirt and he can’t stop overthinking that fact. So, he waits until he feels like he sees a sign from her, an opportunity to approach the subject together. He waits and watches Duc continue to date around. He waits as Mike seems to just be having fun with his new uncommitted friend. Unfortunately for him, it’s almost the Thanksgiving holiday and he still hasn’t seen a sign that makes him feel comfortable bringing up dating Angel.

Over that time, he does tell Mike he is thinking about it just to get his opinion. Mike thinks he should just get back out there whether it’s Angel or anyone else. Mike has spent a lot of time being in a similar state as Jairus as far as relationships and women. Now it seems like he is putting it all together. He and his old coworker hang out occasionally and he always seems to be flirting with some girl on campus or at work. After the ceremony to honor Ovaughn, when he saw Shante, he even got to the point where he started trying to support her again. He has been going to some of the women’s basketball team home games even though he missed the first couple. Mike is becoming more social again and doesn’t seem to be stressing over Shante at all. He is trying to move on with his life and Jairus notices. So Jairus takes his advice and goes with the flow. When the holiday comes and they are leaving school, he resists the urge to say something before Angel heads home to Savannah even though he made this false deadline in his head. He reminds himself that if it’s meant to happen, she isn’t going anywhere. Plus, they would be back in a few days.

The Sunday following Thanksgiving arrives and Jairus and Duc arrive back in town from traveling home. Mike’s mom Brenda has a ton of extra food leftover from her Thanksgiving feast and tells the boys to come over and eat. So, the three of them all go raid her kitchen and sit around talking. There’s only a couple of weeks left of school, so the fellas are mentally preparing themselves for the upcoming final exams as well as all of the parties that occur immediately following those exams. Duc is excited to invite the fellas to the graduation party Samantha is throwing at one of the nice hotels in downtown Atlanta. If there is one thing she is good at, it's throwing a party and since she is finally graduating, only a semester later than planned, she is going all out for this party. The guys can hear the excitement in his voice as he describes all the nice things about the party that don’t mean much to them. It sounds more like a New Year’s party than a graduation party by the way he describes it, but they only care about it being fun. Duc is all in on the event even talking about getting a room at the hotel and just staying there for the night. They feel like that’s a bit much but if he’s paying for it they will definitely crash the afterparty.

The week begins and the campus is buzzing as the end of the semester approaches. Duc is still buzzing the entire week about the party. He is expecting it to be a huge bash and is telling people about it like it’s one of his own parties. He makes sure Chris knows the plan they have so he can go with them if he wants and when they have lunch with Kennedy, he lets her know so she has time to let some of her friends know in case they want to attend. Mike and Jairus still aren’t nearly as excited about the party as Duc but spread the word to people they know all the same. Mike just wants to have fun regardless of who is there. The only thing pressing on Jairus’ mind at the moment is he still hasn’t heard from Angel since they got back to school. He gives her a call in the middle of the week but there’s no answer and he doesn’t get a call back. They must not be working on the same days because he doesn’t see her at work when he’s in the office. He tries to take Mike’s advice and just have fun regardless but the protector in him makes him wonder if something may be wrong.